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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler biteing. aibu to still take him to play group?

48 replies

Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:33

DS is 19 months and is going through a nipping biting phase (in praying its a phase). I dread taking him anywhere just in case he lashes out. He bit my nephew at the weekend and we literally had to prise him off and the bite bruised. Whenever I take him out to soft play and play groups I follow him and watch him like a hawk proper helicopter parenting but I have no choice as I'm scared he will bite or last out. When he does it we tell him no sternly and give our attention to the child he has hurt and sit him down for a 30 second time out..
Aibu to still take him to play groups as I really don't want him to not socialise and miss out.

Also any tips for toddler biteing would be greatly appreciated its awful BlushSad

OP posts:
Whisperquietly · 13/02/2018 19:37

A lot of DC seem to go through this Flowers. Provided you keep your gimlet eye on his every move, I think it’s fine to take him to groups.

I would probably take him home straight away if he bites though. Depending on your DS’ level of understanding, “No” and 30 seconds time out sounds like quite a mild sanction for biting.

Callamia · 13/02/2018 19:38

Can you spot when he’s getting ready to bite? What is it that happens before? Is he overexcited? Tired? Had something taken from him? A particular toy? I think dealing with biting is best dealt with by stopping it before it happens, but you might not catch every occasion.

TeaBelle · 13/02/2018 19:40

He won't learn to play with other children if he stays t home all day. Dd went through a few weeks.of hitting at nursery and I was so embarrassed but we just kept sending her because she had to work it out (with adult support) how to manage without hitting. I would be pissed off if you weren't paying any attention and my child was bitten, but sounds like you are doing all you can

Allthewaves · 13/02/2018 19:41

I would take him, helicopter and if he tries to bite or bites then you leave straight away. 30sec timeout is not suitable punishment for biting.

NurseryFightClub · 13/02/2018 19:42

Hitting or biting equals time out until apology for DD, repeating would mean going home

ImAPeppermintNightmare · 13/02/2018 19:45

I follow him and watch him like a hawk proper helicopter parenting but I have no choice as I'm scared he will bite or last out. When he does it we tell him no sternly

This is great but do you mean, when he attempts to do it? Because if he's still managing to bite despite you hovering, then you do need to take a break from groups until this passes. Biting is very distressing for a child and can scar. If you mean that you're stopping him in his tracks before he is able to bite, and using time out etc, that's fine.

Original poster
Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:48

Oh gosh he struggles with even 30 seconds! Will definitely try to make it longer though and we always tell him to apologise to the person and he always does. He knows he's done wrong its like he gets an urge to bite. I ALWAYS follow him and do everything I can to intercept so nothing happens.

OP posts:
timeforachangeithink · 13/02/2018 19:49

I think you are doing just fine op. That is the same as nursery would do for biting but probably wouldn't give a time out, just a no biting it hurts and distract. He's only 19 months not 4 or 5. I certainly wouldn't stop taking him to groups, it's a very common thing for children to do at that age.

Original poster
Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:50

He's only bitten my nephew and me and DH but he's tried to bite others and we've stopped him but he has nipped or hit at play group and I had to find the mum to apologise etc.

OP posts:
timeforachangeithink · 13/02/2018 19:55

I am actually amazed that anyone gives such a youg child a time out, never mind suggesting one longer than 30 seconds! My 2.5 year old just wouldn't understand that, he has autism but still.

Original poster
Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:57

He does struggle with the 30 seconds we have a 30 second time at home but he doesn't quite get it yet.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 13/02/2018 19:57

Time out is completely ineffective for a child this age. He's little more than a baby. A firm no and remove him / distract. If he does again then take him home.
What's causing him to bite do you think? Is there a trigger?

Original poster
Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:58

Timer

OP posts:
TruJay · 13/02/2018 20:03

My dd went through this, biting is horrible, it's so much worse than hitting isn't it? I feel for you op.
My dd did it out of pure frustration due to speech delay, she was a bit older than your dc though. It was always in retaliation to a child hitting her or taking something off her that she was playing with, she couldn't vocalise her thoughts about the situation so she bit. The worse one was when she bit her best friend, it left an awful mark and I was so upset she had done that to him, how it didn't bleed I have no idea.
I gave her a good telling off/left the place we were at as punishment etc every time and apologised profusely to the child and their parent when it happened.

It is a phase op and he will stop, it's just a case if riding it out. I wouldn't stop him socialising as then he won't be learning social norms etc and it may make the biting worse

TrappedAndLost · 13/02/2018 20:06

He is still a bit small for time out. But it should be longer for biting.

If you can work on teaching gentle touch ie. Get a teddy and teach him to to stroke it like a dog saying gentle. It sounds weird but it gives them a concept of soft/ kind touch.
And being over dramatic helped with my daughter also. I acted as if I was horrified when she bit me- which I was- but expressed it ott. I looked like an idiot but it worked. And she knew she had done wrong.

Good luck. He is little he will get there. Flowers

DancesWithOtters · 13/02/2018 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancesWithOtters · 13/02/2018 20:07

This reply has been deleted

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5plusMeAndHim · 13/02/2018 20:08

I think he needs a much harsher telling off

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 13/02/2018 20:14

We were doing time out for DD at 18 months... A minute and a half Blush
She can be quite aggressive and we don't tolerate it.
Still went to baby groups and nursery, they followed our lead on the discipline, and DD will be two next month and we hardly have to use time out.

MacaroniPenguin · 13/02/2018 20:23

A random but helpful bit of advice I was given was to offer him a different physical sensation if he is looking bitey. Give him a hug or rub his shoulders before he goes in to bite.

I had no idea why he was so bitey or why this helped, but it did. I guess it was a sensory thing.

I think it's reasonable to keep taking him, but give it a miss if you're having a particularly difficult day or either of you are under the weather/ill.

onewhitewhisker · 13/02/2018 20:24

I have a slightly different take on this. if you're only taking him because you're worried that he will 'not socialise and miss out' if you don't,' i really wouldn't worry so much about this. 19 months is young and for the majority of children this is a developmental phase and will pass. i think lots of structured social contact, sharing etc, can be too much for some kids at that age and in a few months time he may well be ready to handle it differently, and also will be more responsive to telling off/consequences etc. i don't think a few months of not going will mean he doesn't learn to play nicely with other children. My DS went through a phase of pushing and one or two bites at a similar age. i look back and wonder why i put us both through the big playgroups, i know mostly it was me being desperate to get out of the house but it was exhausting hovering over him at playgroups and then feeling rubbish if he hurt another child. Can you do small meet ups for a while, at least these are a bit easier to be right there with him and still get you both some social contact. FWIW it passed for my DS in a few months, i never once saw him be rough to another child after that and he's never been in trouble for roughness in nursery or school. Hugs to you OP, it's tough.

MacaroniPenguin · 13/02/2018 20:30

Very good point onewhitewhisker.

RingFence · 13/02/2018 20:40

I would take him but watch him very closely, and if he bites take him straight home. Repeat that you must leave because he bit. Ignore him on the way home and act very disappointed.

My DD went through a phase of biting me but nobody else. However she was bitten by another toddler at toddler group, it left teethmarks and a big bruise. I felt angry with the other mum as she just ticked him off, sat him on her knee for a bit then let him carry on playing. Biting is unacceptable and they need to learn that if they bite all the fun stops and they leave.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 13/02/2018 21:02

I think he needs a much harsher telling off

He's not even 2yo Hmm

OP, one of my DC was a biter and one of them was that child that biters home in on. You're supervising your child closely but they're so quick at this age that it can sometimes happen right under your nose. If my child was bitten I was satisfied if the parent noticed and at least did something such as tell them no and/or move them away, which is exactly what you're doing. With my biter I used to do what you're doing and do you know what? He grew out of it.

Stay consistent, stay calm, and if you want to keep going to play group then keep going. It'll be someone else's child doing the biting in a couple of months, I guarantee it.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 13/02/2018 21:04

Repeat that you must leave because he bit. Ignore him on the way home and act very disappointed.

This would be beyond the comprehension level of many 19mo toddlers and ignoring a child as a means of punishment is shitty parenting bordering on cruel.