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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler biteing. aibu to still take him to play group?

48 replies

Anxiousally · 13/02/2018 19:33

DS is 19 months and is going through a nipping biting phase (in praying its a phase). I dread taking him anywhere just in case he lashes out. He bit my nephew at the weekend and we literally had to prise him off and the bite bruised. Whenever I take him out to soft play and play groups I follow him and watch him like a hawk proper helicopter parenting but I have no choice as I'm scared he will bite or last out. When he does it we tell him no sternly and give our attention to the child he has hurt and sit him down for a 30 second time out..
Aibu to still take him to play groups as I really don't want him to not socialise and miss out.

Also any tips for toddler biteing would be greatly appreciated its awful

OP posts:

minipie · 13/02/2018 21:13

Take him

Helicopter

If he looks like he's getting upset about something, intervene/intercept

If he does bite, say no, we don't bite, biting hurts. Make big fuss of bitee.

Try to explain what he should have done instead. Eg "If someone takes away your toy, don't bite, tell mummy". 19 months bit young for this but if he's still doing it at 2 this will really help IME

minipie · 13/02/2018 21:15

^ to clarify: Don't give this explanation at the time of a bite when you are all upset. Do it before you go to playgroup ("what will you do if someone takes your toy? don't bite, tell mummy") and repeat again at playgroup if he seems to be getting upset by things

FayJay · 13/02/2018 21:17

YANBU. My DD1 went through a biting phase at about the same age. Thankfully it was short lived. I used to take her to toddler groups but I would follow her around, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of bared teeth.

Squeakybubbles26 · 13/02/2018 21:20

What your doing sounds right. He's still young and learning and sometimes children get frustrated and can't explain what they want or their needs so bite! It's their way of venting! It's very normal especially as I've seen this many times in nursery settings. Our best practice is if they were to bite to take the child away from the situation, explain biting hurts it's unkind etc then let them have some 'quiet time' even if only for seconds then take them back to say sorry! I wouldn't personally not take h somewhere just incase it could be he's doing it to people he knows and feels comfortable with (this is even more common!) go and enjoy yourself :)

field10 · 14/02/2018 11:26

A tip...

Has your child been bitten or nipped?
I ask this because if they haven't they don't know how much it hurts so will continue this behaviour.
I know I will get all sorts of abuse for this but this is how I dealt with it. My daughter bit me really hard and no amount of telling her off or time out worked so in the end I bit her back so she knew how it felt. She never bit again.
You can tell a child off and give all the reasons you can think of for them not to do it but until it has been done to them they just do not understand how much it hurts. Sometimes showing them is the only that works.

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2018 11:35

I found time out totally effective for throwing toys (ds1) and hair-pulling (ds2) at 18 months. I didnt use it for anything else at that age - just to quench these particularly undesirable behaviours.

Tbh OP I would skip toddler groups for a few months til he grows out of it. If you don't want to do that (and you can stop the biting from happening) then I suggest you keep helicoptering and take him straight home at any attempt to bite. He'll likely learn very quickly that way.

OhPuddleducks · 14/02/2018 11:36

Some kids just go through this phase (and it will be a phase). I would still go to the playgroup but would immediately leave if he bites someone and use time out for trying to bite someone. Time out doesn’t need to be sitting on a naughty step on his own - it can be 30 seconds away from the action, so he isn’t playing or with other children while you calmly explain why he has been removed from the kids. Definitely prep him on alternative actions if he is biting out of frustration or anger but also use the time out to reiterate this too. It will pass but it’s awful while you’re in it.

Lorraine265 · 14/02/2018 11:41

Take him. You are doing the right things.

My DS was bitten a couple of times at nursery. If it helps it didn’t particularly bother him or me. Kids go through these stages.

Spikeyball · 14/02/2018 11:44

Ignore suggestions of biting to show it hurts. Aside from the unpleasantness of it the child either won't get the connection or if they have that level of understanding, you can explain without biting them.

Enwi · 14/02/2018 11:59

Yes of course take him out:-) The more he witnesses healthy social interactions between other children the quicker he’ll grow out of biting. Sounds like you’re doing everything right... some children just bite

dontforgetbilly · 14/02/2018 12:16

I had a biter. It felt awful, like people tolerate/understand children pushing/hitting/hair pulling but when you have a biter you must be doing an awful job to allow something so socially unacceptable so have some

Whilst it's a phase, it can be a long phase which comes and goes. You can't keep him away from children until it's over.

Helicoptering helped us! Watching for the triggers (hungry,tired,over whelmed,over powered) and trying to preempt an attack. He liked the biting sensation so had a stress ball type thing to gnaw on.

I didn't time out or take home, but would take out of the situation to calm him down so have a minute or two quiet cuddle after explaining what he did was wrong. After that we would go and say sorry to child who was hurt (before he could speak I taught him to gently rub their hand to mean sorry and would explain that to the other child). He is now 3.5 and when overwhelmed can still be found chewing on a blanket or his sleeve so obviously still feels the urge but has been well over a year since I was last given a childminder naughty sheet!

dontforgetbilly · 14/02/2018 12:23

(I was also very happy the day someone bit him and we used it as a biting hurts lesson)

CradleCrapNap · 14/02/2018 12:40

He is only 19 Months old. He does not needs a stronger punishment or a longer time out. He is learning so much about his actions and sensations and his body and what he can do. He does need to know what is and isn’t acceptable but punishing him will only teach him that when he hurts others that there is a lot of attention. Watch him and try to distract him to prevent it happening. And if it happens, say ‘no bite/hit etc firmly but calmly. We then found baby sign was great. We signed ouch/pain (basically shaking an outstretched hand like you’ve just scolded yourself), and then stroked a finger down her cheek saying ‘gentle’ every time to indicate how we should touch each other. If he did it again I would cwrtainly love him away at the very least. This worked for us. There were times with our little one though where she was so frustrated she would become furious and keep trying to lash out at us, really hitting hard! So I would gently lower her arms (never force) and tell her calmly I wouldn’t let her hurt me. When she started to realise she was not going to be allowed to hit, she would start to calm and then I would give her a big hug. All I knew was she was frustrated and couldn’t tell me why. She’s 20 Months now and we are coming out of this phase. She hasn’t bitten for over 2 Months. Kids need to feel loved and secure and to know they can trust you 100%, just be consistent and it will pass. He’s not being naughty.

Rainatnight · 14/02/2018 12:40

DD only () bites us but is going through a phase of hitting at the moment and while it's not the same thing, here's something that's really helped us.

I figured out what the triggers were - usually someone coming into her space, looking like they were going to take a you, etc - and narrated what was happening and how she was going to deal with it.

So in the playground - 'here's a little girl coming up to join you in the little house. Hello there. It looks like she wants to play with some stones too. The stones are for everyone so you and she are going to share the stones. There's enough for everyone!'

It's slightly knackering but it does seem to do the trick, I think my giving her some sort of alternative narrative about what's happening.

Rainatnight · 14/02/2018 12:41

Sorry, that was supposed to be 'looking like they were going to take a toy'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2018 12:47

@timeforachangeithink - you are being vigilant, and doing your best to stop any more biting incidents, and so I think you are perfectly reasonable to carry on taking him to toddler group.

I had a friend whose dd2 used to follow my ds3 around, when they were toddlers, and used to pull his hair all the time. I didn't like seeing my son hurt, but my friend was always on the lookout, and did her best to stop her daughter pulling my son's hair - she even used to put her in the high chair, with some toys, so if she'd pulled his hair - but then he would go and stand next to the high chair, in easy reach, so she could pull his hair again!

My friend and I didn't fall out over it because I knew she was doing her best to stop the behaviour, and I also knew that it was probably just a phase, and it would go away - and it did. The two of them are now 20, and there is no more hair pulling!

sonithewoni · 14/02/2018 15:08

My DC was a biter. He genuinely seemed to enjoy chopping rather than there being a trigger for why he did it. I never stopped him from joining in any social events but watched him like a hawk! One day he just stopped x

Original poster

Anxiousally · 14/02/2018 15:42

Just wanted to pop on and say a huge thankyou for all of the advice you going to have a read through with DH tonight and decide what to do as we need to be as consistent as possible.
Play group was really good this morning even though it was an hour of torture I was so on edge but glad we went as ds was really good with all of the other children no hitting biting or nipping, this is probably a one off but feels like a small step and he enjoyed it.
We went to see my niece and nephew afterwards though and I noticed my nephew who is 10 ( has autism) gets in D'S face a lot and that's when when he goes to bite him (no excuse AT ALL)but it seems that is the trigger for him he gets frustrated and then bites so definitely something to look out for now.

Thank you again for all the advice I feel a lot more positive about tackling this phase now.

OP posts:

Yura · 14/02/2018 17:34

My oldest has been bitten quite a couple of times at nursery. It’s just something that happens, parents/ nursery staff can’t be there all the time! Don’t worry too much, just tell him off („we don’t bite“, remove and distract

WinterRose92 · 15/02/2018 14:26

We're going through the exact same thing at the moment with our 14 month old. Awful, isn't it?
He goes to nursery, soft play Tec and hasn't bitten any other child - he just seems to do it to his Dad and me. We sternly tell him 'no' then try to distract him. But I do worry he'll do it to another child. Just got to keep doing what you're doing and hopefully the phase will end soon! Fingers crossed!

Themirrorcracked · 15/02/2018 15:40

Op- my son was went through an AWFUL biting/hitting/kicking phase. It was terrible. He once had 3 children in tears in the time it took me to get to him across the room.

It was so bad I didn’t want to take him anywhere, and it came out of nowhere. I did what you do, stayed right by him and also never pushed anything- so if he was a bit tired for something I didn’t take him (rather than going anyway because he would probably cope) or a particular friends house that stressed him out for some reason.

Then I just said a stern loud ‘you are not allowed to hit/bite’ and took him right away from where it happened (or home if necessary) The same at home if he bit me.

Then it suddenly stopped, but sometimes comes back if he seems to be doing something developmental or having a growth spurt. But he is never bad enough to hurt other kids now, just annoying.

Don’t loose hope!

TotHappy · 15/02/2018 15:54

I sometimes have an urge to chomp down n something as hard as I can! Even worse a few years ago, when wisdom teeth we're coming in. If he tries o bite, how about preventing him, and saying 'we don't bite people, it hurts, here's something to bite' and give him a chew toy? Maybe look for something with a similar texture to human flesh?!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/02/2018 16:02

All of my kids went through biting phases.

I think so long as you remove him from the activity immediately, so there is immediate consequence and he understands it is because of the biting, then it’s ok. It’s hard though when they’re so little and you don’t know if they actually do understand.

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