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Original poster

To think it's not the end of the world if you can't have children?

336 replies

Jaygee61 · 13/02/2018 12:36

I speak as one who couldn't. Ttc for 10 years. It broke my heart. But I healed. I have a different perspective on things now. I feel there were worse things that could have befallen us, being diagnosed terminal cancer (OH did have cancer but it eas treatable fortunately) motor neuron disease, being paralysed in an accident. We live lives of joy and dignity.. We have created a great marriage and I'm proud of that. I love spending time with my nephew.

But society seems to view being childless by choice as a fate worse than death. Something not to be accepted but fought against at all cost. . If you're not prepared to go to any lengths to have a child you can't have really wanted one in the first place....

OP posts:
openbluewater · 13/02/2018 15:03

Every cliche abounds on this thread doesn’t it? From oh well, kids aren’t that great anyway to Oh well, cream carpets and Netflix!

YodaIsDead · 13/02/2018 15:03

know someone who's just found out she's having twins and is not happy about it. She's even thought about abortion, pisses me right off.

That's her right.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 15:04

But if we didn't have children I think we'd have a great marriage, far more time together, both would have pursued interests with more focus...

That’s a very rose tinted view of what not being able to have children (not through choice) does to your relationship.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 15:05

Having them late is in no way comparable to not handing them at all.

no, but it's also wrong that thinking that having a baby is a straight and final answer to all the problems, and everything suddenly has a meaning once you get pregnant. There are enough threads about things going horribly wrong to realise that it's not that simple.

Anyway, the point was in reply to the OP. People are allowed to agree with that post, and that one way or another having or not having children doesn't have to be the center of your life.

Glitteryfrog · 13/02/2018 15:05

society’s narrative for what the life of a childless person looks like is ridiculous. It’s all drinking, holidays and loads of spare cash.

To be fair, that's what my childfree by choice looks like.
But I'm very happy without children and I have no idea if I am fertile or not as I have never tried to get pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 15:06

no, but it's also wrong that thinking that having a baby is a straight and final answer to all the problems, and everything suddenly has a meaning once you get pregnant.

Where has anybody said that? Confused

openbluewater · 13/02/2018 15:06

Ok, everyone discussion over! GlitteryFrog is childless and her life is about alcohol, money and travel.

crunchymint · 13/02/2018 15:07

There are lots of way to be childfree. From those who live a hedonistic life, to those who devote themselves to a cause.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 15:07

That’s a very rose tinted view of what not being able to have children (not through choice) does to your relationship.

It's not, every couple is different. Some are brought closer together, some split up.

It's the same with losing a child, it can bring people together, or completely apart.

How many couples have separated only because they have children?

YodaIsDead · 13/02/2018 15:08

And I cannot have children and I do think there is more to life.

amusedbush · 13/02/2018 15:10

openbluewater

Clearly this thread has touched a nerve and that's understandable because it's a loaded subject but you're being insufferable. There's no need to jump on every post that you dislike.

Ragwort · 13/02/2018 15:10

Being 'childless by choice' (as in the original opening post) is totally different to being childless when you would really like to have children.

Equally, for some people it might be 'the end of the world' when you have to face an unwanted pregnancy.

There are no easy answers and no 'rights or wrongs'.

Glitteryfrog · 13/02/2018 15:11

Ok, everyone discussion over! GlitteryFrog is childless and her life is about alcohol, money and travel.

Yes I'm happy in my choices. I can see that if you desperately want children then this isn't what you would choose.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 15:12

Ragwort I don't think the OP had any choice

crunchymint · 13/02/2018 15:12

Childless by choice is clearly not the end of the world.
But I also know women who have not been able to have kids and do not see it as the end of the world - although I appreciate some do.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 15:13

To try and get back to the OP. I don't think being childless has to be the end of the world.

I do think that those who face it aren't helped by well meaning insensitive parents banging on about how great it must be not to have children.

PurpleDaisies · 13/02/2018 15:14

I do think that those who face it aren't helped by well meaning insensitive parents banging on about how great it must be not to have children.

Hear hear.

morningconstitutional2017 · 13/02/2018 15:16

I understand what you mean. If you choose not to have children you are asked "why?" as though you have to justify it - whereas parents don't tend to be asked why they wanted children.

It's not the end of the world and as you say, you mourn, then you move on and get on with the rest of your life.

Occasionally I'm asked if I regret not having children and my response is always, "No, I bloody well don't!" They soon move onto another subject.

It's not what happens (or doesn't happen) to you in life what matters, it's how you cope with it hat makes all the difference. For those who desperately want children and can never come to terms with being childless though it must be devastating.

SaskaTchewan · 13/02/2018 15:17

No one is saying that it must be great not to have children, most parents have them because they chose to, merely agreeing with the OP that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, you shouldn't be judged for not going to extreme, and that you have opportunities and choices that you don't have as a parent.

Not everybody puts their life on hold when they are struggling with infertility and having treatments and various surgeries because of it.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 15:22

Saskia do you have children?

I'm not necessarily referring to comments on this thread. I'm referring to comments I experienced as a single childless 40 something from parent friends who knew damn well how unhappy I was with my situation. Well meaning but completely insensitive.

pallisers · 13/02/2018 15:23

That’s a very rose tinted view of what not being able to have children (not through choice) does to your relationship.

I don't think that is rose-tinted. Not having children isn't the only difficult thing you can face in a marriage - we have faced some very difficult stuff and got through it. I have no reason to think my marriage wouldn't still be great if childless and tbh at times the responsibility of children hasn't been a boon to the relationship.

One BIL/SIL would have liked children (one couple probably weren't that pushed). They couldn't have them. Their lives and marriage aren't ruined by any means - actually they live a rich, interesting life with friends and family.

DownAtFraggleRock · 13/02/2018 15:27

I never can understand why childless couples (like us) are 'meant' to be off doing wonderfully exciting things like travelling the world and breaking glass ceilings career-wise.

Why?

We just potter along like everyone else. We just don't have a child in the house.

juddyrockingcloggs · 13/02/2018 15:30

For me yes it would have been the end of the world. I don't want a career, I have a job that I enjoy that pays the bills and leaves us with a very good disposable income along with DHs wages but it's not a career, we travelled extensively but I wanted to do that with a child. I wanted to be a mother and my husband wanted to be a father, for us it would have been an ordeal not to have have had a child and we struggled massively to accomplish that. We would have plodded on through life I'm sure but I would never have felt truly happy.

That's not to say it should be the same for everyone, of course it's fantastic that people can move on from unsuccessfully TTC but I would not have been able to.

Of course there are far worse things in life - illness, death etc but an outsider can never ever say to someone else that 'it's not the end of the world'. You don't know their world and want they want in it.

Rosiie · 13/02/2018 15:33

It's so easy to sit there and say there's more to life than children, when you've already been given the chance to carry and give birth to a child!

I don't think there's a right answer to this because for some people it is the end of the world if they can't have children and for some it's not. I have children and I know if I couldn't have children I would be heartbroken and no amount of money, holidays, career etc would ever fill that void.

The pain will always be there, I just think you learn to cope with it as time goes.

Leiaorganashair · 13/02/2018 15:37

The other part that really annoys me is the idea parents will give you that you can't travel to exotic places or have a career with a child. Of course you can, it just takes more planning.

Which makes the whole "I would LOVE to be able to go to Australia on holiday and progress my career, you're so lucky" line coming from parents even more callous.