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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re expectations of grandparent looking after DC

109 replies

Grannydaycare · 12/02/2018 21:08

So it’s half-term and my mum had our two children (4&7) for the day today as we were working. We live nearby but although she makes a big play of telling other that she enjoys seeing her grandchildren she never suggests doing anything with them. Her DH (not my DF) works full-time. I do realise it’s hard when you’re on your own but she’s reasonably fit and not particularly old.

Today she picked them up and went to the cinema (because I’d suggested it, checked where a film was on and given her times). They then popped into see some of her DH’s family before heading home to hers and basically watching tv for the rest of the day. There are a few toys/games there but DC aren’t really aware of them because she never suggests them. She also only fed them sweet snacks and they were really hungry when they got home. They did at least go out today but I don’t think it would have happened if I hadn’t planned it. I just feel that she doesn’t give any thought to what they could together and doesn’t do anything that gives her chance to get to know them. She’s very passive. But then I wonder if maybe I’m making an unfair comparison with my PiL who are the exact opposite and come up with interesting things to do that appeal to the DC’s interests.

So AIBU to expect my DM to give more thought to what to do with DC? What do your parents/PiL do if they have your DC for a one off day in the holidays?

(Ps I changed my username just in case)

OP posts:

Mollieben · 13/02/2018 07:28

YABU. I would love some free childcare

Silvercatowner · 13/02/2018 07:28

She's of that generation that doesn't see a need to Do Stuff with children. I suspect I will be the same when I have grandchildren. My parents and grandparents didn't plan lots of stuff for us when I was a child - we amused ourselves round the house and the garden.

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2018 07:32

The not feeding her other than sweet snacks isn't good. How hard would it be to make a sandwich or keep a tin of spaghetti hoops in?

I think it's a shame your mum seemed so passive about it all. But this is where it really helps to use paidfor childcare. You know exactly where you are with that.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 13/02/2018 07:35

When people say they want the grandparents to have a good relationship with their grandchildren it's always code for free childcare on demand.

It's perfectly possible for grandparents to be very involved without providing childcare but it takes effort from their adult children rather than just dumping the children on them as it's free.

Tensecondrule · 13/02/2018 07:43

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time here! I don't think you're being unreasonable wondering why she doesn't do more with them, I would be wondering the same. However, she clearly doesn't have much imagination, so you'll just have to take the lead. Send them with a packed lunch and some activities, and suggest to them that they initiate them with GM, the 7 yr old is old enough to suggest a trip to the park/doing some baking/playing games.

Babbitywabbit · 13/02/2018 07:50

Agree with Yellow. My own grandparents featured very significantly in my life- probably more so because seeing them was special, it was different to the usual routine whereas if it had been an everyday thing where my parents wanted them to replicate exactly what they did with me, it wouldn’t have been the special bond it was.

I also agree with the view that this manic occupying children every minute of the day with organised activities is just too much. At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old lady, when I was growing up, my siblings and I spent huge swathes of time occupying ourselves and creating games.
My own children (now in their twenties) did have more toys and games than I did (which I think is almost inevitable) but we didn’t drag them round endless structured activities and I’m eternally grateful they were children before the rise of the internet, social media and endless screens

Honestly if you want control,
You need to pay for proper childcare

BarbarianMum · 13/02/2018 07:51

Well clearly I mut be very spoiled because I don't think feeding children lunch is a "charming extra" I think it's basic care. Where else could the OP have sent her kids for 8 hours where not feeding them a meal would be acceptable?

Beanteam · 13/02/2018 07:53

My DMIL had no toys at hers for GCs, didn’t play games - she was a DM to 4, v strange, what did she do all those years with her own??

RadioGaGoo · 13/02/2018 07:53

I think it's pretty poor that a GM cannot feed her own GC properly. Just don't use for childcare in the future OP.

The envy brigade need to calm down with their screams of 'free childcare though'. Not everyone is after free childcare. If my GP want to look after my DC for a day it's not because we want free childcare, it's because we want our DC to spend time with their GC. For the benefit of GC and DC, not for mine and DH's benefit. Having GP look after their GC also doesn't automatically mean they get to ignore all the routines or parenting preferences of the DC's parents. It's aboyt respect both ways.

SoftBlocks · 13/02/2018 07:53

Many people have no help from grandparents at all. Sorry, you sound very ungrateful.

SoftBlocks · 13/02/2018 07:55

I mean ungrateful for the contact and relationship your children get to have with their grandparents as well as the free childcare.

DayKay · 13/02/2018 08:03

When my dcs are looked after grandparents, I send them with a backpack which contains a packed lunch and stuff the kids can do like sticker books, drawing or simple craft stuff, a couple of books that grandma can read with them and even workbooks. They have some toys like building blocks and jigsaws there.
I ask her to throw them out in the garden for a bit where they play with balls, bubbles or even help with gardening if it’s a nice day.
Tv after around 3 usually.
They never take them out.

Notonthestairs · 13/02/2018 08:05

If it makes you feel any better Op - my kids had all the fun of a trip to Bunnings and Tesco's yesterday I did feed them though! We are going to the cinema today but that will be it.

Seriously there is no need to pack any holiday but especially half term with trips etc. They are knackered and benefit from a mooch in my opinion. But that might be because I don't have the option of free childcare!

stickytoffeevodka · 13/02/2018 08:17

Did you pay for the cinema?
Taking two children plus paying for any associated snacks and parking isn't cheap!

Some of my best memories with my grandparents include helping my granddad water the plants, watching my grandma's tv shows with her and helping polish her silverware!

My grandparents were too old to take me places but I still had an amazing time visiting them. Children don't need a constant stream of activities all the time.

Babbitywabbit · 13/02/2018 09:50

Radiogagoo- it’s not envy. The only people who I think might feel envy in a sad way is those whose parents have died or for some reason are estranged so the family never get to see them.

It’s quite reasonable for grandparents to want to spend time with their grandchildren without it being at the convenience of the parents. Usually when the line about wanting a special bond is trotted out it is in the context of wanting convenient free childcare.

corythatwas · 13/02/2018 09:57

Do you know for a fact that your mother can't get to know your children by watching telly with them? I'd have thought that could be a very good way of bonding.

RadioGaGoo · 13/02/2018 12:29

Babbitwabbit

Usual for you maybe to use emotional blackmail for free childcare. I have paid childcare, I will not be using GP for childcare at all. If they want to see their GC they are very welcome, but they are not expected to provide childcare and never will be. However, DH and I would expect them to support our parenting methods, which they happily do.

Piffle11 · 13/02/2018 12:40

I've got to say that I think you're very lucky! My 2 DC hardly ever see any GPs, and they never get taken anywhere. My DParents have NEVER taken them anywhere, unless they've tagged along on a trip that I've organised. MIL has taken 1 of my DC out twice (kids are 10 & 7) that I can think of. It would never enter my DP's heads to do anything with the DC: they come here to see them and basically just sit and watch the boys play. It's pretty clear to me and my DH that none of the GPs give a shit, despite telling everyone else how they love seeing them and how 'hands on' they are. My DP were supposed to come today: I had to push their arrival time back by half an hour, so they rang and left a message saying they wouldn't bother. FWIW my DPs live about half an hour away by car (they have a car so no problem there) and PIL live a short walk away. We haven't seen my DP for over 3 weeks and we haven't seen MIL for over a month (her DH isn't my DH's DF, and he's not interested in any of us ... he hasn't seen one of my DC for nearly 10 months). I know that they don't have to be involved, but the fact that they act so devoted when talking to other people ... well, drives me mad! So count your blessings.

MaidenMotherCrone · 13/02/2018 14:42

Out of curiosity Op, did you ask your mother to look after your children or did she offer to.

thecatsthecats · 13/02/2018 14:58

I honestly think the number of times I 'did stuff' with either set of grandparents could be counted on one hand.

I did have an awesome time learning card games off my gran though, being fed chocolates, and 'helping' in the garden.

YABU to be so overbearing and dictatorial about not only what they do, but what the interaction means to them. There's no point getting all pouty about anyone else 'getting to know your children as individuals'. They'll build their own relationship in their own time, and as long as it isn't a harmful one, your children can develop their own feelings about it perfectly well.

phoenix1973 · 13/02/2018 15:02

Yabu. Be grateful.
I understand that if and when gp's have my child, they set the day. Not me. What goes on a grandparents, stays at grandparents.
The same goes for food.
All I want is for her to be safe, fed and happy. Everything else is a bonus.
Honestly, if you want to control it all, do it yourself or stick them in paid activity child care. I've done that too.

OutyMcOutface · 13/02/2018 15:03

Ffs people, age didn't even feed them. She clearly isn't that into them-just don't use her for childcare again.

shebagthehag · 13/02/2018 15:09

My dc have just returned from a 4 day weekend at my parents.

They ventured out once but spent the rest of the time indoors , it's always been like that, my mum tho still a young 60yo prefers cuddling up with them doing not a lot!

It's one weekend and she could feed them chocolate all weekend for all I care. They're happy, fed and loved. I buy her some flowers as a thank you in exchange to free childcare lol

My mil won't even see my dc let alone babysit

Bluelady · 13/02/2018 15:10

My mum used to have my son to stay a lot when he was little. They used to spend days on end doing very little, just pottering. His contribution to her eulogy included "hugs and kisses on tap". Doesn't get much better than that, does it?

meredintofpandiculation · 13/02/2018 15:18

Piffle11 Why does DPs coming over to watch the boys play equal not giving a shit? I'd have thought that shows quite a bit of interest.

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