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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re expectations of grandparent looking after DC

109 replies

Grannydaycare · 12/02/2018 21:08

So it’s half-term and my mum had our two children (4&7) for the day today as we were working. We live nearby but although she makes a big play of telling other that she enjoys seeing her grandchildren she never suggests doing anything with them. Her DH (not my DF) works full-time. I do realise it’s hard when you’re on your own but she’s reasonably fit and not particularly old.

Today she picked them up and went to the cinema (because I’d suggested it, checked where a film was on and given her times). They then popped into see some of her DH’s family before heading home to hers and basically watching tv for the rest of the day. There are a few toys/games there but DC aren’t really aware of them because she never suggests them. She also only fed them sweet snacks and they were really hungry when they got home. They did at least go out today but I don’t think it would have happened if I hadn’t planned it. I just feel that she doesn’t give any thought to what they could together and doesn’t do anything that gives her chance to get to know them. She’s very passive. But then I wonder if maybe I’m making an unfair comparison with my PiL who are the exact opposite and come up with interesting things to do that appeal to the DC’s interests.

So AIBU to expect my DM to give more thought to what to do with DC? What do your parents/PiL do if they have your DC for a one off day in the holidays?

(Ps I changed my username just in case)

OP posts:
Phineyj · 12/02/2018 21:50

Actually my PIL take this same attitude with DH's nieces (although they do feed them properly) and while I find it annoying as it means so much hanging round the house, I think it's done them no harm as they are now great at entertaining themselves without many toys or trips out. I would say it's a generational thing but the reason I notice it is that my DM plans days with small DC like a (fun) military campaign.

I think I'd definitely send them with a packed lunch and suitable snacks though - you'd have to do that at holiday club anyway.

MoralBeryl · 12/02/2018 21:54

I am incredibly lucky that my DM falls over herself to look after her grandchildren and to take them to the most exciting places. She's currently abroad with my older niece and nephew! I have to reign her in, because:

  1. I want my children to have some down time and experience boredom sometimes. They need to learn to entertain themselves, or we're going to run into problems IMHO.
  1. I like to pay for their outings (even though she mostly refuses) and a day with DM is likely to cost me more than a day of paid childcare!

I'm not always comfortable with the amount of sugar consumed, but they eat very little sugar when I feed them, so it's no big deal overall. I wouldn't be at all happy if they only got sweets, so I send food. I don't expect DM to provide it.

I think YABU.

meredintofpandiculation · 12/02/2018 21:56

I think it's done them no harm as they are now great at entertaining themselves without many toys or trips out. That's an interesting comment. We used to visit my mother's parents every Sunday, and while the adults were in the kitchen talking and preparing lunch, I used to be in the front room, playing with a small stuffed toy of my grandmother's. Never took any toys with me. A lot of keeping amused was in my head, with any toys just being "props". Maybe it is a generational thing. It's stood me in good stead, though.

NotAnotherEmma · 12/02/2018 21:58

If she was detached from her own kids too then I'm not surprised she might be from grandkids as well. Some people are just like that. To me though it sounds like she is putting in a lot of effort despite that.

I'd be happy with the free childcare too just maybe send some healthier snacks with them in the future.

HotelEuphoria · 12/02/2018 22:02

I remember spending time many happy hours with my with GP when I was a child. I remember eating uncut white bread with Philadelphia, rooting in my GMs wardrobe, trying on her hats, cleaning her brass ornaments, begging to keep her ceramic animals and learning crochet. I have no recollection of being taken anywhere, ever.

YAB massively U. You don't have yo leave get houseand spend money to have fun. In fact, I can think of nothing worse than watching a bloody film in a cold cinema smelling stinky popcorn piped odours.

Bekabeech · 12/02/2018 22:02

You should consider yourself lucky OP after all when my Aunt "looked after" her Grandchildren (back in the day) it involved her going shopping while I supervised them watching Grange Hill etc. They were 8 and 6 ish and I was 12.

On the other hand... maybe she just isn't any good with children.

Witchend · 12/02/2018 22:04

I used to love going to my grandparents and just doing ordinary normal stuff with them. Going to the shops, baked bean sandwiches, sitting in the garden, watching dgf on his typewriter, talking to them about things they'd done. And watching Antiques Road Show. The music still brings me back to sitting in their smoky lounge on a Sunday evening with bakes bean sandwiches...

feska5 · 12/02/2018 22:05

Send DC with healthy snacks and some art/craft/activity supplies/ puzzle books and be grateful you have your DM to help you. Failing that put them into an expensive kids club.

SweetMoon · 12/02/2018 22:06

YANBU about them not being fed. Beans on toast at least would have been fine. I am a bit Hmm at the suggestions you should send them with a packed lunch to their grandmothers! If I sent a packed lunch to my mums if she watched the kids she would think I'd lost the plot.

Original poster
Grannydaycare · 12/02/2018 22:06

Thanks for all the positive comments about memories of time with grandparents. It’s good to hear that.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 12/02/2018 22:06

Sounds like a nice, relaxing holiday day to me. (I do agree a sandwich at lunchtime wouldn't have gone amiss tho).

She just sounds like a normal grandmother doing normal family stuff with her grandchildren.

Chill the fuck out.

martellandginger · 12/02/2018 22:15

Pack them a lunch and snacks along with some activity books and toys. It’s one day. Your kids should be able to occupy themselves for a few hours.

AjasLipstick · 12/02/2018 22:19

My SIL sends her DS to MIL's house with a packed lunch. A because she knows MIL will give him rubbish and B because she feels she should contribute SOMETHING to her free childcare.

orangewasp · 12/02/2018 22:25

Sometimes it's good and relaxing to just hang out with grandparents without any attempts to entertain. Your DC can find something to do themselves if bored, but they probably just enjoy the down time and chance to relax.

Jackyjill6 · 12/02/2018 22:28

Some people just don't have lots of ideas on how to entertain children. As long as you can provide ideas for activities, of send stuff for the children to do, that's probably the best solution.

FrancisCrawford · 12/02/2018 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susannahmoodie · 13/02/2018 06:26

I get bored out of my mind at the cinema with dcs.......I did enjoy Paddington with them before Christmas but that's about the only kids film I've actually liked.

I honestly think the expectation to be constantly doing "activities" is nuts. I'm guilty of it myself but when I think back to my own, very happy, childhood, there was. I such expectation.

I think it sounds like your dc have had a nice day.

echt · 13/02/2018 06:43

She seemed detached from us as children too (although enjoys posting memes on Facebook about childhood etc and telling others how proud she is of us)

What do you mean by detached?

Why can't she be proud of you? Does every parent have to be a hands-on parent? Also, if you know what' she's like, why on earth did you leave your children with her? Unfair of you to project that the cinema visit wouldn't have happened if you hadn't suggested it. You don't know because you had it covered, so stop assigning blame retrospectively.

She sounds OK to me. Lots of "activities" can result in over stimulation. Children need to know how to do ordinary stuff/be bored/read a book.

The lunch needs attending to, though.

TwinklyGiraffe · 13/02/2018 06:54

I do think you answered, did you provide money for the cinema?

TwinklyGiraffe · 13/02/2018 06:54

*don’t

TwinklyGiraffe · 13/02/2018 06:57

If you know they are always really hungry, why on earth don’t you send food? You actually are ok sending your children somewhere and knowing they won’t be fed properly?

🤔

LyannaStarktheWolfMaid · 13/02/2018 07:04

I aree with the posters that say you are lucky to have living parents, and even more lucky that she wants to look after DC! I have neither and feel very envious. Also, I loved hanging out with my gran when I was small, and we never went anywhere. Don’t sweat it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2018 07:23

We used to go to our nan's house in half term. As I remember it, we never went anywhere except on Fridays when it was their shopping day, so we'd all get in the car with Nan and Grandad and go to Tesco, and have Wimpy for lunch. They had a big garden, and Grandad worked from home so we'd see him through the day for morning coffee, lunch, afternoon tea. We took toys and books, we watched tv, we played in the house or the garden.
It was fine. Sometimes Nan would teach us how to knit, or make things, or when we were smaller, give us the button jar to count. We'd help her with baking or fruit picking or other stuff. Occasionally we'd go into town with her on the bus, if she needed to go for something.
She didn't drive, so it had to be the bus except for the weekly food shop.

We never were "entertained", in my recollection.

Ilovecamping · 13/02/2018 07:24

We are having our grandchildren over half term, and they use the time to do very little, just chilling, they lead such busy lives they need downtime. just be grateful for the help.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 07:27

I wouldn’t expect either grandparents to take my children out if they were looking after them, this expectation they can’t just play is quite different from the previous generation (and I don’t think it’s good for children)