Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re expectations of grandparent looking after DC

109 replies

Grannydaycare · 12/02/2018 21:08

So it’s half-term and my mum had our two children (4&7) for the day today as we were working. We live nearby but although she makes a big play of telling other that she enjoys seeing her grandchildren she never suggests doing anything with them. Her DH (not my DF) works full-time. I do realise it’s hard when you’re on your own but she’s reasonably fit and not particularly old.

Today she picked them up and went to the cinema (because I’d suggested it, checked where a film was on and given her times). They then popped into see some of her DH’s family before heading home to hers and basically watching tv for the rest of the day. There are a few toys/games there but DC aren’t really aware of them because she never suggests them. She also only fed them sweet snacks and they were really hungry when they got home. They did at least go out today but I don’t think it would have happened if I hadn’t planned it. I just feel that she doesn’t give any thought to what they could together and doesn’t do anything that gives her chance to get to know them. She’s very passive. But then I wonder if maybe I’m making an unfair comparison with my PiL who are the exact opposite and come up with interesting things to do that appeal to the DC’s interests.

So AIBU to expect my DM to give more thought to what to do with DC? What do your parents/PiL do if they have your DC for a one off day in the holidays?

(Ps I changed my username just in case)

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 12/02/2018 21:22

Good idea about the packed lunch.

isadoradancing123 · 12/02/2018 21:23

Wow! If you want them entertained send them to holiday club and pay for it

slashlover · 12/02/2018 21:23

Do you give your DM the money to take them to the cinema or other places?

jimijack · 12/02/2018 21:23

Unfortunately my mil would have our son because we paid her, if she took him go the cinema it's because I did what you did, found out times, place and gave her the money to take him.
Other than the paid 2 hours a week she took him, we never had an offer or visit from the pil, never, not once.

My mum is marginally better, she does fun stuff but we only ask her when absolutely stuck, once, maybe twice a year and always for work, never for pleasure purposes. She again has made it clear that she is not keen to look after him and never offers or volunteers.

I have had many many miscarriages, ended up hospitalized for them all, alone as dh has had to stay home with ds as we know we have no one to ask to help out. That is the most upsetting thing, that and the fact that our ds is the pil only grandchild and could not be less interested. He has no relationship with his family.
They are missing out on a brilliant young man.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 12/02/2018 21:25

She took them to the cinema when you suggested it. So how about you come up with some other suggestions? I agree you should be grateful she is having them. She shouldn't have to think of loads of activities. She's not a nanny! Perhaps you should draw up a plan of the EYFS and associated learning goals? Hmm

NotAnotherEmma · 12/02/2018 21:26

Hmm nobody left anything utterly bitchy or cowish for me to add. Hmm

So I'll just ask, was this how your Mum was with you as a child as well?

Lucked · 12/02/2018 21:28

My kids are lucky if they get taken to the supermarket! There is a garden and they have toys there and yes they watch television but I am super grateful because I can work!

I would fall over in shock if my mum took my two kids (4&6) to the cinema and to visit family.

Winteriscoming18 · 12/02/2018 21:32

Biscuitbe thankful your dc have grandparents that spend time with them and fit enough to do so. some dc don’t have that luxury I’m just thankful my dc get to spent the limited time they can with my sick father. They don’t need to be taken out places with them.

UrgentScurryfunge · 12/02/2018 21:33

We've only had 2 hours of childcare for our 4 & 7 year olds so that we could attend a family funeral (grandparents are aging and not local so no expectation of any childcare). Everything else has been paid for except for a couple of evenings a year when a local friend babysits. So in my book you're doing pretty well.

The children should be fed appropriate meals and the provision of that needs to be agreed.

The activities are fine. Children need some down time. My own 4 & 7 year olds are desperate for half term and chance to vegetate. Cinema and visiting are more than enough for one day. It is nice to do something, but we found DS1 found it exhausting when I worked full time and he didn't get enough quiet vegetating time, and was over stimulated at sports clubs and after school provision.

lippymother · 12/02/2018 21:35

I'm in shock..............surely this is a joke?

Be grateful you have FREE childcare. You are being very unreasonable.

deste · 12/02/2018 21:37

I don’t get why children need to be entertained the whole time. What’s wrong with them doing crafts or reading or colouring in. What’s wrong with them entertaining themselves. Some people don’t have the money to do it in the first place, the fact your children went to the cinema should be enough for one day, never mind a few days.

GU24Mum · 12/02/2018 21:37

My parents have all/some of mine for occasional days. Sometimes they take them out but often it probably is fairly boring and tea isn't always provided...... but ...... they'll be absolutely fine, it's free and safe and they are doing you a huge favour.

Something to look forward to..... my DM is teaching mine how to do some dusting and tidying. Every cloud......!!

PonderLand · 12/02/2018 21:39

It's not ideal just having sweet stuff all day but it's a one off so I wouldn't worry about that. I think you're lucky that your DM took the kids out on her own, my dad has had my son twice on his own when DS is asleep. He'd never 'risk' taking him out of the house incase he blows up or something. Also sleep times only incase he does a poo and he will have to change his nappy.

Some people just don't want the responsibility of other people's children, and I think venturing out of the house can give them anxiety about all the dangers & misbehaving in front of other people.

Thistlebelle · 12/02/2018 21:41

Send snack, books, games and a craft activity with them from now on them.

A day of tv and sweets won’t kill them.

Rejoiner · 12/02/2018 21:42

OP a day with your DM sounds like a day with mine, most of the time my DC either watched TV or played in the garden or went to visit relatives or popped to Sainsburys. They loved it especially after a busy school term.

PIL liked to fill every moment with experiences and trips out, one day per Holiday was more than enough.

My DC are now grown up, even now they know you go to my DP to relax, see family and generally chill out. With PIL we only see them If we are doing something.

2018AnotherYearAnotherUsername · 12/02/2018 21:42

Zero help here. You sound very ungrateful and very unreasaonable.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/02/2018 21:43

Your mother has had two young children on her own all day and you're upset she didn't think of the cinema first?

Maybe pay for them to attend a holiday club if you want daily activities.

rachel98450 · 12/02/2018 21:44

My parents used to look after my daughter until they were unable to due to ill health. Now it's a struggle with childcare so I now work more or less when my husband doesn't. That means we don't have a day off together anymore, but that's the way it is.

Melfish · 12/02/2018 21:47

DM looked after DD when she was little and I worked part-time. She didn't take DD to 'activities' apart from the church playgroup once a week but they watched TV, played in the house and the local park. This was about 6 years ago (DM has since died) but DD has many happy memories of DM and the unhurried time they spent together. My GM also didn't entertain me as a child- I had to fit around her daily activities and family visits but I found it interesting to experience a different routine and enjoyed her company. I don't think it's bad for kids to lounge about and entertain themselves for a few days in the holidays.

InToMyHeart · 12/02/2018 21:47

I thought grandmothers were supposed to stuff the grandchildren with sweets? Isn't that their job?

thenettyprofessor · 12/02/2018 21:48

I would love the help

Tiddlywinks63 · 12/02/2018 21:49

My parents never, ever offered to have my children, neither did my MiL despite all of them living pretty close.

Be very grateful op.

Grammar · 12/02/2018 21:49

Blimey!! You are SO lucky to have parents nearby who are willing (albeit not doing things with them that you would like them to do).
I had 3 under 5 ( ok, our decision) but no help at all ( and DH was resident on take as a registrar, or abroad) for 1 in evey 3 weekends. I saw him to say goodbye on a Friday then next saw him on Monday evening, and he was too tired ( having been up all night for 3 nights) to be of any use.
I was so lonely those weekends for years.
Don't knock what you have.
Also, your DC might have a different relationship with your mother than the one you perceive. You are lucky in many ways

Original poster
Grannydaycare · 12/02/2018 21:49

Thanks all. Happy to accept I’m being unreasonable on what they did today. It’s good to get perspective from others. I realise we’re lucky to have the option of free childcare - I know how hard it can be without it as we’ve only just moved close to family.

I suppose the thing for me is, yes, I could have paid for childcare or taken the day off but I genuinely thought it would be good for my mum and DC to have time together. I hoped she’d be excited to see her grandchildren and enjoy being with them, playing the odd game or something. It doesn’t have to be lots of trips etc, I’d just like her to be present and learn who they are. I thought that was something you’d want to do with your grandchildren but perhaps I’m odd for thinking so.

RoomofReq: Thankfully DC are perfectly capable of sitting still and quietly in a cinema and I chose that deliberately because I thought my mum would enjoy it and find it easy.

Notanotheremma: She seemed detached from us as children too (although enjoys posting memes on Facebook about childhood etc and telling others how proud she is of us).

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 12/02/2018 21:50

You changed your name just in case what ? If you want your kids to spend their day in a prescribed way then deliver that yourself . Presumably with you they eat freshly prepared meals and do worthy stimulating activities so a day of TV and snacks won’t hurt them
YABU