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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just seen engagement ring in joint amazon account..... AIBU?????

111 replies

WhoAteMyCandy · 12/02/2018 16:57

As the title says the bf has ordered a engagement ring off of amazon. AIBU to think hes put no thought into it?? I think he has forgotten its valentines day soon and buying a ring is the first idea that popped into his head. Its a very over priced cheap looking ring , that that I would expect or even want a expensive one. I know that he want to get married at some point but ive never personally wanted to get married. We have been together nearly five years and have a son who is close to turning four.

Tbf I would rather have a baby than a wedding Grin

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 12/02/2018 23:39

PurpleTraitor: Well said.

LizardMonitor · 12/02/2018 23:45

Cambion and EltonJohn: if a woman arrives in a relationship with a house she has already bought / got loads of equity in, if she has a higher salary than her DP, and continues to work, then no, marriage will NOT protect her. Marriage will give her DP the right to half of what she has.

It all depends on the circumstances.

It is fair enough to remind women to check how secure they are, but this constant mantra and assumption that every woman becomes vulnerable and dependent financially is stereotyped.

Cambionome · 13/02/2018 08:59

As I said above, Lizard, if you don't need the financial protection that marriage brings, great, but I think you are probably in the minority unfortunately. I've been on these boards for about 10 years on and off, and I've read many, many posts from women who weren't aware that they were potentially making themselves financially vulnerable by giving up their careers to have children when they weren't married.

GreenTulips · 13/02/2018 09:19

Dis you see the court case where the partner died and the GF - who'd had his children ended up in a battle with his mom as next of kin?

They were both wanting to arrange the funeral and exclude the other one - took 2 years to settle while he lay in a morgue

Now this is highly unusual, but these things happen. No idea what happened to his assets or work payout - but a marriage certificate would've solve this!

AHungryMum · 13/02/2018 10:27

@JustVent hahahahahahaha at "my husband could have proposed with a cock ring and I'd have said yes". Best mumsnet quote ever, I applaud you!!! 🤣🤣🤣

NordicNobody · 13/02/2018 11:14

LizardMonitor "if a woman arrives in a relationship with a house she has already bought / got loads of equity in, if she has a higher salary than her DP, and continues to work, then no, marriage will NOT protect her. Marriage will give her DP the right to half of what she has."

This is my situation, mostly. I'm not working right now but I own a property outright that pays me a decent rental income, and also have about half the value of the property as savings in an account in my name only. If my partner left me this is my security and would be mire than sufficient to sustain me and dc until I found work. Once I get back into work and have a well paying job then I'm happy to consider marriage, but until then it would leave me much more financial vulnerable. I posted in relationships about this a while back and was unanimously told I'd be insane to get married right now. I understand I'm in the minority but the constant push to get married ignores the nuances of many people's situations.

Passmethecakeplease · 13/02/2018 16:14

@Lucymek , you do realise it wasn't me that made that comment, don't you?!

Beetlejizz · 13/02/2018 16:42

Ive never looked into the benefits of marriage before or even thought about them so thank you to the people who posted about them as they have given me something to think about.

It's really good that you found this information useful OP. For anyone who's in a committed relationship and has a child and/or property together, it's definitely worth getting some legal advice so you know what the implications of each choice are and how to protect yourself if you decide against marriage. It's so important.

Webaz999 · 13/02/2018 17:43

Am I the only one who feels slightly sorry for the bf.. he must be gutted if he was going to propose

FaveNumberIs2 · 13/02/2018 17:48

Then just say no when he asks.

AhhhhThatsBass · 13/02/2018 17:53

My DH proposed with a £24.99 ring from Argos, presented in a crumpled cardboard ring box, about 3 sizes too big for my biggest finger. it was purely to have something to hand me at the time and partly for comedy value; we then ring shopping together afterwards.

Ironically I quite liked my argos ring. I went and bought it in the right size and have been told by more than one person that it is "absolutely exquisite". By people who should know the difference between a diamond and cubic zirconia.

Kerala2712 · 13/02/2018 17:54

Omg, the level of cynicism here is really sad! Sounds like you handled it well op- no yanbu, but i hope it didn’t hurt his feelings too much.

Maireadplastic · 13/02/2018 18:00

Amazon is evil.

Tistheseason17 · 13/02/2018 18:12

Depends what your definition of "not expensive" is
Link to ring, please!

tbh - the fact that he cares enough to do this is lovely.

prh47bridge · 13/02/2018 18:20

Marriage will give her DP the right to half of what she has

I regularly see "it will give him the right to 50%" or similar on here. That is absolutely not what the law says. The law does not set any proportions. Instead it lists the factors the courts must take into account when determining the split. Marriage gives her DP the right to a fair share. It does not give him the right to half of what she has. Under some circumstances he may not be entitled to a single penny.

jayne1976 · 13/02/2018 18:23

Why would OP need to spend even a tenner or have a child to be committed to her partner?

jayne1976 · 13/02/2018 18:23

She doesn’t want an expensive ring -she doesn’t want one full stop!

AHungryMum · 13/02/2018 18:34

@WeBaz999 I thought exactly the same tbh.

Clairaloulou · 13/02/2018 19:05

God have you heard yourself! I think lyingwitch’s comment is a good one!

clarkl2 · 13/02/2018 19:07

Just cancel it 😁

Passenger42 · 13/02/2018 19:10

Maybe speak to your partner about wanting a brother or sister for your child especially as he is now four. Explain that you would love another baby together. You could suggest choosing a ring together so you can pick what suits you. im not sure of your age but you could also explain that the longer you leave it the harder it might be too conceive. Good luck

pollymere · 13/02/2018 20:11

If you do get a ring, get it from an antique shop usually a sixth of the price! Maybe it was his way of broaching the topic?

persefone · 13/02/2018 20:54

I'm ashamed that this is my first post on Mumsnet but I can't resist.

Are you sure it's for you? ;)

Springprim · 13/02/2018 23:09

My husband proposed to me, we had a wedding and two children, the ring & 'commitment' didn't stop him from cheating. Do whatever makes you both happy.

Goldilocks3Bears · 14/02/2018 10:01

OP just accept the gift and see what he says but I’m not sure if you are panicking about the ugly ring or a potential proposal?

Everybody else about the whole marriage thing - wtf?! You don’t have to get married to have a solid relationship with or without kids. Marriage or not protects nobody. Even if you are not married you can still go through divorce court for money and assets.
One in three marriages end in divorce, including mine. Nobody gets half. You have to submit detailed financials and each case is treated differently and the court will always put the long term benefits of the kids first.

Happy Valentine’s Day Grin