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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just seen engagement ring in joint amazon account..... AIBU?????

111 replies

WhoAteMyCandy · 12/02/2018 16:57

As the title says the bf has ordered a engagement ring off of amazon. AIBU to think hes put no thought into it?? I think he has forgotten its valentines day soon and buying a ring is the first idea that popped into his head. Its a very over priced cheap looking ring , that that I would expect or even want a expensive one. I know that he want to get married at some point but ive never personally wanted to get married. We have been together nearly five years and have a son who is close to turning four.

Tbf I would rather have a baby than a wedding Grin

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 12/02/2018 18:56

I would agree that Amazon engagement ring not ideal except that a man at dh work did exactly this. He was teased mercilessly but he adored his long-term girlfriend but was just a bit clueless regarding these things. He is a lovely husband and father now. That aside, if you don't actually want to get married it's a different matter.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2018 18:57

But then, I wanted a marriage and commitment not a ring from a bespoke jewellers

And yet OP already feels completely committed and doesn't want a ring from any sort of shop, so what exactly were you hoping to achieve with your barbed dig?

I'm as keen on the marvellous institution as the next person. Hell, I've done it twice! But, amazingly, not everyone feels the same and the great thing about being here and now is we all get to choose our path to happiness and commitment.

OP, it might be worth using this to spark a bit of a rerun of your don't fancy marriage chat so you're both clear on where you stand and what you want, and you won't need to worry about it cropping up again.

Have a wonderful Valentines in your OWN way and I hope he says yes to another baby Grin

I'm another one who very much enjoyed the cock ring comment, shoot me for having a sense of humour. I didn't get proposed to by my now husband but I do love a cock ring and totally get the sentiment Smile

LaGattaNera · 12/02/2018 19:06

Strokethefurrywall OP posted this in AIBU to invite comments and opinions from others and I didn't see the cockring comment as bashing her (which you obviously did by your comment)more that the poster was expressing her opinion and then when I opine that I knew what she meant and found it an amusing way to express her feelings, you have criticised me too.
This seems to happen all the time - OP asks if she is being U and then some of those posting are told they are unreasonable when they are amused by another's comment.

DropItLikeASquat · 12/02/2018 19:07

Prosecco, I almost wet myself when I read that

I think YAB(a bit)U. Its the thought that is important and you don't know what he had planned, he's probably feeling a little hurt and confused as to why you are so ungrateful TBH.

If the love of my life gave me a hairdo ring it would be the most important ring I have put on my finger bar the wedding ring.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/02/2018 19:09

what about those married men who leave their wives. worst still their SAH unemployed sacrificed their career wives?

This is totally irrelevant. Nobody is saying getting married stops you from being cheated on or splitting up. It does mean you have more rights if the worst happened.

In the situation you describe, the mother's contribution to family life bringing up children is recognised and reflected in her settlement meaning security for her and her kids. If they're unmarried he could just walk away and she would get nothing apart from a derisory amount of maintenance.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 12/02/2018 19:10

don't have a baby without getting married

Blimey, have I woken up in 1950?

tolerable · 12/02/2018 19:20

glad you jumped on that.....thats what she said,lol lol. point was,aye,best quote today x

Original poster
WhoAteMyCandy · 12/02/2018 19:22

Hes home from work and admitted he picked the first one he thought I would like. I think the fact I don't know many married people including my family puts me off marriage. I told him that if getting married is something he really wants to do that I would want something very small. I'm not against marriage its just not something ive wanted to do.

Ive never looked into the benefits of marriage before or even thought about them so thank you to the people who posted about them as they have given me something to think about.

OP posts:
tolerable · 12/02/2018 19:23

oh dur..i cani work this..i thought that comment was gony land under the cock ring appreciation message..sorry..oops

JustVent · 12/02/2018 19:30

Because I wanted marriage and commitment and wasn’t so bothered about the ring, I’m smug.

Smug!

fusushumi · 12/02/2018 19:33

So he was intending to propose to you?
At least the ring-on-amazon-thing has led to a discussion about it between you.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide!

LizzieMacQueen · 12/02/2018 19:33

So OP, did you tell him you'd like another baby?

HoneyDragon · 12/02/2018 19:38

Op UA......

Fuuuuuuuck I’ve vortexed into 1935

TurquoiseDress · 12/02/2018 19:42

@JustVent

Ha ha ha ha love the cock ring comment Grin and obviously the sentiment behind it

Cambionome · 12/02/2018 19:55

No, you haven't found yourself back in 1935 or even 1950.

The reason pps have said "don't have a baby without getting married" is because we see time and time and time again women coming on here and saying that they gave up their career to have dc, relationship broke down, and they found themselves left with nothing except maintenance for the dc. Married women in the same situation would be entitled to at least 50:50 of assets, pensions etc.

If you are aware of that, and have protected yourself financially in other ways, then great. But many women don't realise what a precarious situation they can find themselves in... some even believing that there is such a thing as financial protection as a "common law wife". Sad

Springtrolls · 12/02/2018 20:28

At
Least something came
From your thread. You are aware of the protection marriage gives
You compared to the no protection you both have at the moment.

If you don’t want the faff, registry office and two witnesses is all you need

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 12/02/2018 20:42

The reason pps have said "don't have a baby without getting married" is because we see time and time and time again women coming on here and saying that they gave up their career to have dc, relationship broke down, and they found themselves left with nothing except maintenance for the dc. Married women in the same situation would be entitled to at least 50:50 of assets, pensions etc.

And time and time again there are women on here who are married and still getting screwed financially in their divorce. A marriage certificate is no guarantee of a 50:50 split.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 12/02/2018 20:46

Sorry OP, didn't meant to derail the thread. Maybe the ring is a temporary one until you choose your own. Bit cheeky of him to put it on the joint!

NamedyChangedy · 12/02/2018 21:08

The 'no babies unless you get married' advice doesn't work for everyone though.

Take an independently wealthy women having a baby with a man from a struggling family whose job situation is precarious. She may love him and be happy to raise children with him, but in no way would she benefit from being married to him.

People on Mumsnet need to understand that not everyone is in the same situation as them.

Cambionome · 12/02/2018 21:57

Olivia - you are wrong. Married women have far more financial protection than unmarried women. There is little reason why a married woman shouldn't get at least 50:50 unless there are some unusual circumstances or she has an absolutely shit solicitor.

Namedy - as I said in my previous post, some people have sorted out their financial circumstances so that they don't need the protection that marriage brings. The important thing is that people are aware of the difference that being married or unmarried makes if a relationship breaks down.

PurpleTraitor · 12/02/2018 22:09

People see others who have given up their financial independence, damaged their career prospects and given themselves no legal protection and their instant reaction is to say ‘you should have got married’ and when they see people in that situation they tell them to get married.

When really they should be saying don’t give up your financial independence, damage your career prospects or put yourself in a position with no legal rights or protection. Far more prudent advice, male OR female, SAH or WOH, single attached or married!

I am FAR FAR better off not being married. People are not all the same. Unmarried women are not by default reckless or financially inferior.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/02/2018 22:14

And time and time again there are women on here who are married and still getting screwed financially in their divorce

I can honestly say I haven't seen a single post like that, but loads were the woman has cohabited and is left with nothing.

And no matter how 'screwed' a woman is, she will still be a lot better off than if she's cohabited.

The thing about an independent woman having a baby with a waster is balla too. If someone's too flaky to marry, they're too flaky to have a child with. You also see lots of posts on here from women like that who are now tied to a pathetic manchild for the rest of their lives because they share a child.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 12/02/2018 22:26

Hes home from work and admitted he picked the first one he thought I would like

If you are a tiny bit like me, that would mean he spent every single hour for three weeks looking at rings and still got it wrong Blush

gillybeanz · 12/02/2018 22:30

Our wedding rings were the cheapest we could find, think it was Argos.
Mine turned my finger green.
We've been married 25 years, together for 29.
Still don't have a wedding ring, but he did buy me an eternity ring years ago.

Cambionome · 12/02/2018 23:18

No one is saying unmarried women are reckless or financially inferior, Purple, and of course it's a good idea to protect yourself financially in every way you can. What I and other posters are saying is that marriage is a way of protecting yourself if you've stepped off the career ladder (as many women do when they have dc) and become dependent on a partner.

You don't need that - great. You are obviously astute and well-informed, but other people do need the protection that marriage brings, and don't realise that they have no automatic protection without it.

Lets get that information out there as much as we can.