If you had money to burn, would you use a surrogate?

[Hippiesip]

Say you're having difficulty TTC a second or third child, would you pay for an American surrogate if you simply didn't want to wait/go through the pregnancy?

I think I would. I loved creating my son but pregnancy was extremely difficult for me mentally and emotionally. I would rather not doing it again, but still growing our family.

Stitched i'll be sure to let you know in the years to come. Altho a few teenage surrogate kids i know don't hold any malice towards their birth mums, so there is plenty of hope

No it's basically prostitution. I hate the way Tom Daly and his partner's baby announcement has been written with no allusion the the brood mare they are using.

Maybe the surrogate didn't want to be named? I wouldn't if i carried for a celeb, sod that for a laugh

No. I’d have considered it when I had primary infertility (and multiple MCs), but frankly I’d have amputated my own arm for a baby at that point.

Second baby, no way. It isn’t fair on the surrogate, and it wouldn’t feel (to me) like it was my child if I didn’t carry them. It would feel similar to adoption, so I’d go down that route instead (or just stick at one child).

Yes Waz just came back to say how odd that is.

Maybe the surrogate didn't want to be named? I wouldn't if i carried for a celeb, sod that for a laugh

They don't need to NAME her to acknowledge her existence or even thank her.

"We're having a baby" and a scan picture from two men with no allusion AT ALL to the woman involved is plain odd.

Perhaps to you, but you don't know the agreement between the surrogate & the couple. It's a bit judgemental without actually knowing. Do couples who use egg donors announce that when they announce a baby?

I can understand people's reservations about surrogacy based on the exploitation thing, but seriously, surrogates in this country have voices. They partake of the agreements too!!

We're having a baby" and a scan picture from two men with no allusion AT ALL to the woman involved is plain odd.

Agreed

I've just had a look at some on the fb articles of Tom Daley's announcement. The lack of a mention of the mother is being commented on quite widely and the 'unsure whether they have used a surrogate' mocked quite a bit. The erasure of women in the biological process of making babies is something that people will notice. It would have been better for them to just say 'with help from a surrogate' since they chose to make it public.

mustbemad17. I find your story fascinating but would love to ask you..do you not think there is something unique about a mother's love? I assume you had a mother...did you not benefit from having a mother? Don't answer if you think I'm being intrusive. I just find it interesting. I had this discussion irl with friends who all said all a child needed was love and two dads bringing up a child was just as good as a mum and dad. Ironic thing being they all grew up in conventional families with a mum and dad, and I disagreed and said a child really needs a mum, and I was the one who lost her mum and was raised by her dad.

formerbabe i honestly have no problem with questions, i prefer people to ask than to speculate.

I grew up with both parents, altho my mum was the constant as dad worked away a fair bit. My mum is my best friend. But I had my surro daughter willingly for two dads because i believe a family unit isn't about who has a mum & a dad, it's about being surrounded by loving family. My surro daughter has many strong females in her life, so to me she isn't losing anything.

I grew up with friends who had absolutely abysmal relationships with their mothers, so i guess that cemented the idea in my head that sometimes simply being mum doesn't guarantee a loving bond.

Hope that makes sense???

Thanks for answering...I appreciate it.

I guess it comes down to whether you agree with this...

i believe a family unit isn't about who has a mum & a dad, it's about being surrounded by loving family

I don't agree with this. I believe a mother's love supercedes any other and that nothing can replace it. I feel the reluctance to accept that is misogynistic and reduces women to nothing more than a biological inconvenience.

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree!

Perhaps i might feel differently if all i'd ever seen was the mother/daughter bond that everyone goes on about. I have it with my mum, & i hope to replicate with my DD...but some of my friends had absolutely disgusting mothers tbh & they thrived better away from their mums with other family members.

but some of my friends had absolutely disgusting mothers tbh & they thrived better away from their mums with other family members

Yes but they probably would have done better if they'd had brilliant mothers rather than other relatives who were brilliant iyswim.

Perhaps. Who knows? But it cemented to me that it isn't necessarily a mother & a father that a baby needs...and some gay & lesbian couples i know are absolutely brilliant parents. I'm uncomfortable with the idea that gay people can't be parents because there are too many mums or too many dads in the family unit.

I know lots of single parents too, whose kids are doing grand in a single parent household. Saying a baby needs a mum & dad to thrive is basically saying that kids of single parents - especially those who have no contact from the NRP - are screwed

@bananafish81 I think it becomes very complicated if there is money involved. I am 100% against the American and other models where rich couples exploit a woman in a developing country.

I just can’t separate out my feelings and genuinely don’t understand how a person growing inside of you cannot be considered part of you. I get @mustbemad17 has felt fine about it - but what if the surrogate didn’t? Cruel for the prospective parents who do not embark on surrogacy lightly I wouldn’t have thought.

Got to say I agree with must. To promote the idea that a mothers love is irreplaceable, purely because she's a woman, pretty much writes off all of us that didn't experience that with our own mothers. Losing a loving mother isn't the same as never experiencing that love in the first place.

In addition I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't like the idea that mothers love and woman are being so closely intertwined as though we're reduced to our reproductive ability.

Diana I always said it takes a lot more to decide you can't be a surrogate (obviously talking about those who consider it) because you know you will bond, than it does to go ahead with it knowing it will be easy. Does that make sense?
Anyone who ventures into surrogacy & then decides to go ahead with a journey has sat down & worked through their feelings. Yep there are some instances where surrogates change their minds, usually last minute, but from what i can find it is rare. And i think actually that's not the IPs fault; the discussions that take place prior to TTC are immense & in depth. Once a journey begins there is an understanding & there would be no reason for IPs to be held accountable for a surrogate changing their mind. This is why agencies demand counselling & in some cases psych testing, & in fact many indy surrogates also choose to partake of counselling etc before their first journey

to promote the idea that a mothers love is irreplaceable, purely because she's a woman

It's not because she's a woman, it's because she's a mother. Mothers just happen to be women.

But being a mum takes more than biology. I say it all too often about dickhead dads...just because you share biology doesn't mean anything; it takes a lot more to be a mum or a dad.

I just can’t separate out my feelings and genuinely don’t understand how a person growing inside of you cannot be considered part of you.

Especially when they are half you genetically, as happens in a case where the surrogates eggs are used. I know others feel differently but if I had had kids and then a surrogate child using my own eggs I know I'd find that very difficult so obviously it wouldn't be for me. I'd also worry that the child might wonder when they grew up why they were different to the others and didn't grow up with their half siblings. It's a very complex situation.

I would far rather not be rich (but have enough money to bring up baby well) and get pregnant with no issues. When I was pregnant I hated it a bit as I felt solely responsible, but once she was born I wished she’d stayed inside so I could still be in charge (fuckwit dad) but honestly I loved every minute of pregnancy/birth

Being a parent is much, much more than genetics or, in birth mothers’ case, carrying the baby for gestation, but it’s unrealistic and unfair to DC to argue that these things don’t matter. It’s for DC to decide what matters, to them.

“Surrabob” and such twee terms, especially for traditional surrogacy where the DC is genetically the birth mother’s, belittles the psychological risks to and concerns of the DC and seems disrespectful and inconsiderate.

Some parents - egg/sperm donors, surrogate mothers, adopters, fathers who don’t see their DC - might want to believe biological parentage and connections don’t matter much, for reasons serving them, but it’s not for them to determine.

The Tom Daly thing: just disrespectful not to mention that they are paying a surrogate. Assume they have paid a US surrogate. Ethically dubious.

It's far better to be able to be honest about your feelings surrounding it tho. It's a discussion we have in the groups when people come looking for information to decide if they could do it. For me, surrogacy is something i wanted to do since i was 17, so at 26 it was amazing for me to be able to do it.

That my daughter has two older half siblings, neither of whom live with their dad either. So in that case my DD could presumably feel she is missing out on something they have had that she didn't get?

In my case my surro daughter has a much more robust life than my DD does; her family unit is in tact, she has both sets of grandparents who dote her, an extended family who are very active in her life & family friends who are the same. My DD doesn't see her dad or his family. Out of the two of them i'd suggest that surro daughter has a lot more stability than my daughter does when it comes to upbringing & family