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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's sad that take-up of Shared Parental Leave is just 2 per cent?

177 replies

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/02/2018 15:58

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-43026312

DH and I are sharing parental leave between us, 9 months for me and 3 months for him. Whenever he tells anyone the response has been universally positive, generally praising him for doing this. When I've told other women they've often reacted with shock, saying they'd never give up some of 'their' leave to their DH/DP. We know another couple who have had huge rows over this - they'd initially planned to share leave 9/3 like us but at 6 months the DW backed out and said she was keeping it all to herself.

I think if women are ever going to achieve equality in the workplace then more men should be encouraged to take up this scheme, but what if women don't want them to? I feel very strongly that a man should be entitled to time off to bond with his child, but our friends' situation has made me wonder whether it's right to allow the mother to make the decision unilaterally (although as she has to carry the child and give birth it kind of makes sense to have first dibs, although fathers do seem to be pushed out here).

Thoughts? Should we be encouraging more men to take this up or something different?

OP posts:

Smurf123 · 12/02/2018 16:37

We would love to buy unfortunately can't afford it. My enhanced maternity doesn't stand if we take shared leave. It would go to statutory pay for the whole thing (as far as I can tell) mine is the higher paid job so we actually need my maternity pay which comes out at almost full pay for 18 weeks. Then statutory after that... As it is we plan for me to take the 18 weeks and go back to work but we would love of my husband could take the next 10 weeks after that but unfortunately we won't be able to and baby will be going to my mum while we both work.

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/02/2018 16:37

We know another couple who have had huge rows over this - they'd initially planned to share leave 9/3 like us but at 6 months the DW backed out and said she was keeping it all to herself.

If you want to be default parent, that is the way to go about it!

However, women do need tine to physicaly reover, and breast feed if they want to / able to.

And then at 6-12 months the baby is getting more fun so it kinda seems like the man gets the better deal. No need to physically carry the baby or deliver it it, no need for recovery, no breast feeding, then they get time off too!

PatchworkElmer · 12/02/2018 16:38

It just didn’t work for us- the original plan was that I’d take 9 months, and DH would take 1. We both only get statutory allowance, and DH earns double what I do. We literally couldn’t afford to lose his salary for a month.

PatchworkElmer · 12/02/2018 16:39

Sorry, that’s wrong, I was going to take 6, followed by DH taking 1.

QueenofmyPrinces · 12/02/2018 16:39

The reality is that a lot of women simply want to be at home with their babies.

If my husband suggested I go back to work early so he could have some time off with the baby I honestly don’t think I would be able to agree to it.

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/02/2018 16:42

Although IMO it would make it much easier returning to work at 6 moths knowing your little baby was being looked after by dad, than returning at 9 months and having both work AND childcare stresses.,

PossiblyPFB · 12/02/2018 16:43

We did it! My DH was the first to take it at his firm. It was wonderful and they were very generous. I had 5 months and then he had 6 weeks. Not totally equitable but they paid him full salary so it made a lot of sense. I was ready to go back when I did.

LokiBear · 12/02/2018 16:43

We've done it with dd2. For dh, it has been the most rewarding, fulfilling 3 months of his life. For me, I've felt short changed and wished I could have taken longer. With dd1 I took 9 months and couldn't wait to get back to work. I expected to feel the same with dd2 but I didn't. Its a brilliant thing, I'm glad we did it, but I don't know if I'd do it again.

FluffyWuffy100 · 12/02/2018 16:43

If my husband suggested I go back to work early so he could have some time off with the baby I honestly don’t think I would be able to agree to it.

Even if having two super involved and bonded parents is much better for your baby long term? You couldn't have gone back 2 months earlier to help that bond establish (and remove yourself from being in the default childcare role)

FlopsyMcDoodle · 12/02/2018 16:46

We wanted to it when dc1 was born, it was just after shared parental leave was first launched. Dh and I worked for the same company at similar levels. I got 75% pay while I took maternity leave. If dh took any leave and I went back to work during that time he would have received statutory maternity pay. ‘So we couldn’t afford to do it. This is a huge, multinational company that offers very good benefits. It’s still the case now though that men only receive statutory pay

PlanNumber · 12/02/2018 16:47

I think that's a normal reaction Fluffy. I wanted to be the default primary carer and still do despite now having teens and a fairly full on career. I'm still "in charge" at home and would struggle with it being otherwise.

bluechameleon · 12/02/2018 16:53

With DS1 we split it 7m/5m. I was jealous of NCT friends who had a whole year, but the benefits for the whole family far outweighed that. DS2 is a week old and this time we plan to split it 9m/3m, which suits both of us. I'm happy to have a bit more time and DH is aware that it will be harder work this time so doesn't mind doing less.
I really don't understand why more families don't use it - why wouldn't you want both of you to be fully involved parents?

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2018 16:55

I really don't understand why more families don't use it - why wouldn't you want both of you to be fully involved parents?

Because part of being a fully involved parent is also ensuring the bills are met?

OuchBollocks · 12/02/2018 16:57

I wouldn't have wanted to share my leave. DH and I work shifts around each other, when one of us is working the other has the kids, so he is perfectly well bonded with our children thank you.

I don't honestly believe 8 or 10 extra weeks off is what fucks women's careers. Genuinely flexible working patterns would help a lot more, and discouraging ridiculous presenteeism cultures.

Original poster

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/02/2018 16:57

Fluffy I agree with you, breastfeeding/recovery/first 6 months being harder are why we split it 9/3 instead of 6/6. I'd have felt very short-changed if I only got the first 6 months where DS was much more difficult.

Once DS is 9 months I hope he'll need fewer feeds but I'm planning to express at work and DH will do the night feeds using expressed milk. DS is an awful sleeper so I expect I'll be much less tired once I'm back at work!

OP posts:

Camomila · 12/02/2018 16:58

We couldn't have afforded it, but even if we could at 9m DS was still breastfeeding lots and barely eating. I wouldn't have wanted to faff about expressing everyday if it was avoidable. He also wasn't sleeping through the night.

I'm not opposed to it in theory though and if we could afford it and had a DC that ate brilliantly during the day I wouldn't mind going back at 9m with DC2. It would be nice for DH to have some extended time with a DC.

Out of my NCT lot 3 couples took shared parental leave (one of the couples was two mums)

PlanNumber · 12/02/2018 16:59

Saying a father has to stay at home for months to be a fully involved father is rather insulting to those of us who had our children when maternity leave was much shorter. Does that mean neither DH nor I are/were fully involved parents?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/02/2018 16:59

YANBU, it's a shame as I think men often don't have the choice as their partner doesn't want to give up time off or they want to keep their husbands salary intact.

It's the reason men simply carry on working, too many women unilaterally just decide they aren't going back after maternity and the spouse gets no say in it.

grasspigeons · 12/02/2018 17:01

fluffywuffy100

you're a parent for the rest of the child's life- this is where I find this emphasis on that first year a bit strange.

DH was a super involved bonded parent without having a block of time at home (not available when we had our children) as he decided to work a condensed week where he did his hours over 4 days not 5

It really is what happens next ... a man taking 6 weeks off because it works out financially and then returning to work long hours in the city isn't going to suddenly do loads more parenting than one who couldn't afford to do 6 weeks unpaid, but shifted his hours round so longer term he could be around for bedtime every night.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/02/2018 17:03

My enhanced maternity doesn't stand if we take shared leave. It would go to statutory pay for the whole thing (as far as I can tell) mine is the higher paid job so we actually need my maternity pay which comes out at almost full pay for 18 weeks. Then statutory after that...

Are you certain about this? You obviously can't transfer the enhanced, but why would your work want to block your DH taking over when you go back? This is how mine works (18 weeks fully paid, then statutory) and I've been told it'll cause no problems at all for us to do shared parental leave.

I also think it's really sad that shared parental leave take up is so low. I'm pregnant at the moment and we're intending to do six months me, three him. It is an easier decision for us because a) I earn more and b) for complicated reasons I absolutely have to go back at six months, but I really hope it's what we'd do even if those things weren't true - it seems like such an important way of at least trying to stop me becoming the default parent.

Blondephantom · 12/02/2018 17:05

This is making me think that to be treated equally doesn’t always mean being treated the same. I do think that it should be thought of as parental leave and not the woman ‘giving up’ leave but rather the parents choosing how it should be taken.

That being said, it wouldn’t have worked for my hubby to take any of the leave. We decided together that I would breastfeed until a year and that I would stay home. I resent the implication in some posts that this means he isn’t an involved parent. He has a lovely relationship with our little girl and takes at least an equal share of her care when he is at home.

Families are all different and it should be about both parents having an equal say in how the leave and family life will work.

puglife15 · 12/02/2018 17:08

We did it first time but not second, second time I need to be at home longer due to issues with our child so it wasn't an option.

I think men should be entitled to take it off after the 12 months, when women return to work, to allow for an easier transition.

Original poster

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/02/2018 17:08

That's illegal - it amounts to non-direct sex discrimination.

OP posts:

divadee · 12/02/2018 17:12

We would of loved to do it as I went back full time when she was 8 months. Unfortunately we couldn't afford to live as he is the higher earner and we wouldn't of been able to pay out bills.

Smurf123 · 12/02/2018 17:13

@LisaSimpsonsbff as far as I can tell that seems to be the policy. My husband doesn't qualify for paternity pay in his job as he has been here less than 26 weeks. He would qualify under the shared parental leave scheme if I give up some of my maternity to him but from my work policy the shared parental leave policy seems to say it is statutory payment for 52 weeks... I'm not sure who to talk to / ask to double check.. Would love it if he could take at least 8-10 weeks..

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