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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell MIL we don't want to go on Holiday with her?

58 replies

ImBlueDabaDeeDabaDa · 12/02/2018 15:35

My Partner and I have decided that we are going to TTC as soon as we're married in October.
My MIL2b has said that as a wedding present she is going to take us away on holiday to Florida in February. We were supposed to go years ago for my DH2b's 21st birthday but due to several reasons it was postponed.
We have not told MIL that we plan to TTC or indeed, when.
She has asked us if she is okay to book the holiday now or wait closer to the time to wait to see if I get pregnant. (Personally I think this is terribly presumptuous and possibly her way of asking when she's going to get grandchildren)

I'm a bit concerned to go for several reasons.
The first being Zika. We decided against honeymooning in the Maldives due to the virus. Although currently the virus is only in Miami, I still feel like we'd be taking an unnecessary risk. If I'm not pregnant by then, we will have to stop TTC for 6 months after visiting.
The second is the Theme Parks. I don't want to go to Florida and spend hundreds on park entrance fees if I'm not going to be able to go on the majority of the rides. Also, if I am pregnant, I might feel rather crappy with Morning Sickness and won't want to traipse around parks for 2 weeks.

I'm not entirely sure what to do. I don't want to tell her we will be TTC as I don't want to put pressure on ourselves. She's also likely to keep asking if I'm pregnant yet. To be honest, I don't see why we should have to as it's not really any of her business.

That being said, I don't want to seem ungrateful as she is offering to spend thousands on us!

Neither of us want to wait to TTC until the middle of next year.

WIBU to ask her to put off the holiday even further? What reason should we give her for not wanting to go?

Or AIBU to not want to go? Should I just suck it up and go possibly 4 months pregnant?

OP posts:

Boulshired · 12/02/2018 15:43

I honestly do not think it matters if you tell her as she sounds like she already assumes you are. Personally so close to getting married isn’t really the time to be going on holiday with either of your parents especially if they are already sounding too involved. A wedding present should be for you both to enjoy, not a honeymoon with MIL.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/02/2018 15:43

Just tell her you don't want to go to Florida. You don't have to tell her the real reason. If traipsing around theme parks is not your thing tell her not to waste her money. If she wants to pay for a honeymoon why can't you suggest somewhere else instead?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 12/02/2018 15:45

YANBU. I'd hate to receive such a prescribed present. Sounds like it's more for her benefit than yours.

Could you thank her for her very generous offer but say you've got limited annual leave and will need it all for your honeymoon? Perhaps you could ask for vouchers towards aforementioned honeymoon instead?

TandemBanana · 12/02/2018 15:49

Just say no thanks and that a theme park holiday is not your cup of tea. Plus you are not sure what you will doing for your holidays next year.

Original poster

ImBlueDabaDeeDabaDa · 12/02/2018 15:50

We're going on Honeymoon a couple of days after we get married.
She talked about wanting to take us this year before we got engaged. Because of the wedding, we put it off saying that we wouldn't get the time off work to go with her as well as having our own honeymoon.
She's now saying that she'll take us next year as a wedding present. I think she's saying this so it's more difficult for us to refuse.
I don't want to tell her as she would make comments to my family about us TTC, then everyone would know and I'd like to keep it between me and DH.

OP posts:

Jammycustard · 12/02/2018 15:51

I’d say ‘no thanks, not my cup of tea’ and something about keeping holiday days for something else as PP suggested. Would you even want to do a holiday with her?

Original poster

ImBlueDabaDeeDabaDa · 12/02/2018 15:54

It's more difficult to say it's not my cup of tea because it was all planned years ago until it had to be cancelled.
She hasn't ever really asked if we still want to go, just assumed we still would.
I find it a bit odd being a married couple and going on holiday with his Mum, just the three of us...

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 12/02/2018 15:57

The easiest thing to say is that you can’t get the time off work.

Jammycustard · 12/02/2018 15:57

Well time passing could be the explanation, you don’t fancy it any more, you’re older now and your travel tastes change. Also, it’s not really a present for you is it? It’s something for her.
I’d be vague and keep putting it off and hope she stops mentioning it.

SweetMoon · 12/02/2018 15:58

Just tell her the truth, and suggest if you do actually conceive that she just wait a few years and your lo can some too!

You'll probably love having her there then as an extra pair of hands/babaysitter!

Jammycustard · 12/02/2018 15:58

I holiday with my MIL on occasion but because we have kids, no way would I want to have done so before! I wouldn’t want to have consider someone else on my precious holiday.

Helendee · 12/02/2018 15:59

Just thank her and ask if you can postpone it for a couple of years.

PlanNumber · 12/02/2018 16:00

Tell her to save her money for when she can take her grandchildren.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 12/02/2018 16:05

Why not tell her about the zika issue? Even if you're not pregnant it can be pretty grim, horrible reactions to it and all regardless of pregnancy. Why not suggest a different location?

I think telling her what you think, or part at least, is the best course.

Motoko · 12/02/2018 16:07

Doesn't she have anyone to go on holiday with? You don't mention a FIL, and said it would just be the 3 of you, so maybe the reason she's pushing it, is because she really wants to go, but doesn't want to go on her own. If this is the case though, don't feel obligated to go.

If you don't want to go, just say that you don't want that type of holiday any more, and that you're keeping your annual leave for something else, or something along those lines.

Pearlsaringer · 12/02/2018 16:10

I may be overthinking this but if you go as a threesome does this bode well for future holidays? I would nip this in the bud before it becomes an expectation.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 12/02/2018 16:16

Why would a newly married couple want to go on holiday with one of their mothers? What kind of MIL would think they'd want this? I'd ask for the money for something for the house, instead.

purpleleotard · 12/02/2018 16:19

Just NO
Reason 1. I would rather cut off a my own finger than go to America
Reason 2. You are big girls and boys now that you are getting married. Need to cut the ropes and get your own life

gillybeanz · 12/02/2018 16:22

Start how you mean to go on and keep your lives separate from parents and ils.
It's your lives and they don't need to be consulted in anything you do, just stand firm and say you'll make your own plans.

Snowydaysarehere · 12/02/2018 16:22

Just tell her you have both grown up now and it's not your ideal holiday anymore.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2018 16:26

I would just say no Florida with zika. I heard it can stay active with guys for 2 years ... I wouldn’t go anywhere near zika places until i was done having children.

handyforpicnics · 12/02/2018 16:28

It's not a present if she goes with you, is it?

Family or not, in that situation you would be paid company. Depends what you would do to get a free holiday, but to me the grown up thing to do would be organise and pay for my own holiday.

IME to sacrifice your financial independence would be at your peril. PIL may want their money's worth, forever.

SleepySheepy · 12/02/2018 16:32

Some of these comments are a bit harsh, I actually did go to Florida with my MIL about 6 weeks after getting married. We couldn't really afford a honeymoon so we called it our sort of honeymoon and had one night out where we left DS with MIL which was all ours, it was lovely.

It's probably different though because she's really nice, not at all pushy and we all really wanted to go.

Maybe just say that you aren't ready to go on a holiday like that so soon after getting married, assure her you're not trying to put it off forever and suggest you go in a couple of years time? Don't mention TTC and if she asks if that's the reason, just say something about wanting to enjoy some time alone together as newlyweds.

PickettBowtruckles · 12/02/2018 16:32

No where in your OP does it say if you actually want to go to Florida without the TTC issue? I’m assuming if it was meant for your DH’s birthday he is interested in going?

I think if it’s somewhere you both want to go, you’d be mad to turn it down as a present. Zika shouldn’t be an issue, we are TTC and went recently. I spoke to the doctor who advised Orlando was fine (assuming you’re talking about Orlando as you mentioned theme parks?). Also it could take months, or years, to fall pregnant and think how much you could miss if you didn’t book ‘in case’ you were pregnant. We’ve been trying 5 months now, are young, non smoker, healthy people so in theory “should’ve” fallen quickly. We have booked a drinking weekend away with friends in a few months to let our hair down from the pressure of TTC, if we’re lucky enough to fall before then we’ll still go and just not drink! It all depends how much you actually want to go if the issues were not there, if it’s something you don’t want to do then don’t, but I think TTC is a bad reason to not do something.

LizardMonitor · 12/02/2018 16:38

Have you even got that amount of leave from work available? And would you not like a holiday on your own later in the year?

'Taking' you on hol is a lot ore prescriptive than buying you a present which is of your choice and does not involve her going.

Would you be keen to do this holiday if the question of pregnancy was not a consideration?

I would just say 'there is no way we are in a position to be able to confirm a holiday in a year's time'.

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