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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent DP?

114 replies

HannaPintura · 10/02/2018 19:48

Dp and I have been together for coming up to 9 years, moved in together about 5 months after getting together.

He's always been more or less the same, apart from maybe the first year when he was a gentleman personified.

We both work full time, he is usually home before I am.

Firstly, he does nothing around the house. Absolutely nothing. When I ask him to do anything, he does it so badly or makes more of a mess that I tend not to ask him much.

Secondly, he plays a foreign lottery. He wins frequently, a few times a month, always between £200 and £2000. Sometimes he doesn't tell m he's won, but if he does, he never shares. He'll usually say he will put some away towards a break, but never will offer me any cash even if he knows it's the end of the month and a financial struggle for me. Which gets me onto my next point. I'm quite sensible with money and usually fine at the end of the month, but occasionally, nasty unexpected bits come up that swallow my hard earned cash. Like this month. Dp has a savings account with around £4000 in and so a few days ago I asked him if I could please borrow £40 from his savings to tide me over for 5 days til pay day and I'd immediately repay my debt to him. He refused saying that because his work was quiet (he's self-employed) he might need his savings and gave me a huge lecture on how I should be more careful to stretch my money to last. I was and am really quite upset.

These are just a few issues that are really making me very resentful of him and for the first time ever, I find myself looking at other men and fancying them. When he walks in, I feel so resentful of him that I feel angry and have a ball of negative feeling in my chest. I know it's probably come to its natural end but AIBU?

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 10/02/2018 21:37

I think you are getting ‘kind’ confused with just not being an arsehole. He’s set the baseline so low by being such a wanker that all he has to do is just not act like a cunt and you view it as kindness. He is NOT KIND.

PoorYorick · 10/02/2018 21:40

I knew he was a prick as soon as you said he wouldn't lend you a lousy £40 even though you're cohabiting life partners. (Is there a reason you're not married - is that a joint choice?)

Mean with money, mean with love. I'm not at all surprised that a mean and tight fisted arse would be happy to let you travel 4 hours every day (is that 'tolerating' your illness?) and not even pick you up when you've got a horrible stomach bug.

I think you know the answer here, OP. Be strong. I can't see what on earth you'd be losing. You're not married and don't own the house or have joint finances so it would really not be very complicated.

Jux · 10/02/2018 21:47

He's a cocklodger. Get rid.

HannaPintura · 10/02/2018 21:50

Thanks for all your replies. You've all spared me on to do the right thing for me at the end of the lease. Stressful as it may be. The reason he wins the lottery so often is because he spends about £35 per day on it so it's not worth it, no more than the normal one anyway.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 10/02/2018 21:56

And yet he wouldn’t lend you £40. So there you have it - after 9 years, you are worth less to him than one day’s lottery tickets.

MotherofaSurvivor · 10/02/2018 22:05

Why wait until the end of the lease????? Kick him out now. Or leave! What would you do if there was still a year to go on it?

You're procrastinating instead of facing it!! X

itshappening · 10/02/2018 22:14

I hate the thought of you left alone ill at the hotel OP. You deserve so much better. He really does sound insufferable. Don't let your resolve waver. My DP and I have quite a fraught relationship and I am not looking at this through a 'Mr perfect' lense, but £40? Rescuing you when you are sick? Being able to be relied upon to vacate a property on time? These are the absolute basics surely. I have chronic health problems too so I know how it can be. This guy isn't helping though. You would be better looking after just yourself and having the chance to meet a real supportive partner. You sound lovely btw Flowers.

PoorYorick · 10/02/2018 22:22

The entire point of having a life partner is so that they rescue you when you're sick (I know some people have disabilities etc but you know what I mean).

If he won't lend you the price of a day's gambling, won't come out to get you when you've got the lurgy and doesn't share his money with you, what on earth does he give you?

I know he'll be shit in bed too because mean people always are.

SleepFreeZone · 10/02/2018 22:27

He gambles £35 per day!!!! That’s one hell of a habit OP.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 10/02/2018 22:30

My husband had the same issue. He was very poorly with flu and in a hotel. He rang and told me I bundled me and the kids in the car and went and got him. We are a team.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/02/2018 22:38

£35 a day, so £12,775 a year. Yikes that’s a lot of money

expatinscotland · 10/02/2018 22:42

How many months till lease is up? I'd be tempted to tell him to sling his hook and leave him. Bet he earns a lot more than you, too, but still expects strict 50/50 when it comes to money, but not housework or sex. Life is way too short. I'd tell him we were finished now and need to talk about to split with regard to the lease. And don't back down. After 9 fucking years, you're not even worth £40 or a lift to him.

BelleandBeast · 10/02/2018 22:45

Apart from sending a few texts, what else does he have going for him? is he shit hot in bed? 'Cus I'm struggling here. You are his domestic slave, he's tight, he doesn't take care of you, he doesn't step up to the plate when you NEED him.

What's the point? if you don't have kids (well you do him, he's a man-child) then just go. NINE years? He isn't changing - but you can.

SandyY2K · 10/02/2018 23:12

He puts the absolute minimum effort into this relationship.

You can do better than this.

puglife15 · 11/02/2018 08:06

Just when you think it couldn't get any worse.... It does.

£12K on gambling?

and refusing to help you when you were ill!

I'd help a bloody stranger in that situation and I'm no Mother Theresa.

He's not just "not kind", he's borderline sadistic. He loves to see you suffer and undermine you.

noenergy · 11/02/2018 08:32

Ur worth less than what he spends on a days lottery.

Can't believe u commute 4 hrs a day. Who picked the current location u live?

Go find a place closer to work it will b hard initially but u will look back n regret not doing it sooner.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/02/2018 08:35

I don't understand when people are married and have separate finances. Why should he be making you be responsible for money and say you should be more careful. It should be a joint. My husband is terrible with money but we still have a joint account and bills are paid as one. Not his and hers.

areyoubeingserviced · 11/02/2018 08:40

Yabu....., to stay with this tight-fisted arse of a ‘man’.

S0ph1a · 11/02/2018 08:40

OP come and live with me and do all my housework and pay half my bills.

In return I’ll send you texts every day and tolerate your illness. I’ll even lend you £40.

Bargain. Full time housekeeper and cheaper bills for the price of a few texts. Free in fact as I get 500 a month included on my £6 / month plan.

Sorted.

SunnyCoco · 11/02/2018 08:47

I’m with luxurywoman - I hate him and I’ve never even met the arsehole!

theramengirl · 11/02/2018 09:26

OP, why are you punishing yourself by being with this vile, unkind and selfish arsehole?

You are better off alone. Because not only will you be rid of this fucking nightmare, you'd also have a chance of finding a better person.

HannaPintura · 11/02/2018 09:53

Morning everyone thanks for all your replies. I so wish I could tell him to sling his hook now, and I absolutely would, but we are both on the current tenancy as joint tenants so not sure how that works?

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 11/02/2018 10:02

How much longer does the tenancy run? You could ask your Landlord to release you early I guess due to the relationship breaking down.

I'd start looking around for a new place, make some plans, can you move in with friends/parents for a while?

HannaPintura · 11/02/2018 10:09

Hello luxury, the tenancy runsI can't move out...I have nowhere to go and this is my home until then.

OP posts:
LuxuryWoman2017 · 11/02/2018 10:11

You mean you're on a rolling contract now?