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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent DP?

114 replies

HannaPintura · 10/02/2018 19:48

Dp and I have been together for coming up to 9 years, moved in together about 5 months after getting together.

He's always been more or less the same, apart from maybe the first year when he was a gentleman personified.

We both work full time, he is usually home before I am.

Firstly, he does nothing around the house. Absolutely nothing. When I ask him to do anything, he does it so badly or makes more of a mess that I tend not to ask him much.

Secondly, he plays a foreign lottery. He wins frequently, a few times a month, always between £200 and £2000. Sometimes he doesn't tell m he's won, but if he does, he never shares. He'll usually say he will put some away towards a break, but never will offer me any cash even if he knows it's the end of the month and a financial struggle for me. Which gets me onto my next point. I'm quite sensible with money and usually fine at the end of the month, but occasionally, nasty unexpected bits come up that swallow my hard earned cash. Like this month. Dp has a savings account with around £4000 in and so a few days ago I asked him if I could please borrow £40 from his savings to tide me over for 5 days til pay day and I'd immediately repay my debt to him. He refused saying that because his work was quiet (he's self-employed) he might need his savings and gave me a huge lecture on how I should be more careful to stretch my money to last. I was and am really quite upset.

These are just a few issues that are really making me very resentful of him and for the first time ever, I find myself looking at other men and fancying them. When he walks in, I feel so resentful of him that I feel angry and have a ball of negative feeling in my chest. I know it's probably come to its natural end but AIBU?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 10/02/2018 20:50

He doesn’t sound kind at all. He doesn’t share what he has with you - not time, not energy, not money. He trespasses on other people’s property. He finds the wrong food to you baby. He won’t help you with your travel needs. He does nothing around your home.

Oh but wait, it’s ok, he sounds you nice texts!

No. This isn’t a balanced relationship. You only get the crumbs he decides to throw you. Has it been this way for all the nine years you’ve known him? He’s squeezed the self respect out of you, by the sounds of it.

Giraffey1 · 10/02/2018 20:51

Sends, not sounds

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/02/2018 20:52

You keep giving vivid examples of how he simply won’t help you,but protest he’s nice?

kissbeforelippy · 10/02/2018 20:53

He sounds vile OP. If someone else had posted this, what would your advice to them be? Be brave and make a new, happy life for yourself.

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2018 20:53

The few moments of OK-ness you get from him are at the level you'd get from a work colleague or old acquaintance. As a partner he's letting you down massively. Bin him.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 10/02/2018 20:54

Nine. Years.

Nine. Years.

Get out of that relationship, OP! You don't deserve that shit. You're worth so much more.

WoodenCat · 10/02/2018 20:58

Oh OP. You are worth so much more than this. Can you look at a little flat or even a house share near your work? 4 hours daily commute is crazy. Did he choose that location for you both to live in? He’s not nice, he’s not mind and he’s so far from supportive it’s untrue. Your partner is supposed to be the one person in the world who has your back, who puts you first, who makes personal sacrifices sometimes to ensure that a relationship works. You’re doing all of that. What’s he contributing exactly?

Gemini69 · 10/02/2018 20:58

I agree with every single Poster on here.....

Get the hell of of this ridiculously negative situation... Flowers

jedenfalls · 10/02/2018 21:00

If that last example is being kind I’d fucking hate to see your definition of unkind.

The things you perceive as being kind are things that take him 2seconds and zero thought. But when you are actually asking him to step up. He wont

expatinscotland · 10/02/2018 21:01

He's NOT kind or gentle. This is not a partnership. Please, please get away from this twat. He's selfish, mean and nasty. He doesn't love you, he's too much in love with himself to want or need anyone else.

Goldmandra · 10/02/2018 21:02

You love the person he pretends to be sometimes. He doesn't love you at all. He likes having a housekeeper.

Walk away and find someone who will treat you with the care and respect you deserve and you would give them.

Walk away now and don't look back.

Ramirez · 10/02/2018 21:02

And whilst your planning your escape start playing the lottery.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2018 21:03

what a strange man

im not against separate finances its up to u but to be that tight not to lend u 40 quid?

you do all housework so he does bugger all and wont even give u a lift to work or part way?

sparklepops123 · 10/02/2018 21:04

Get rid

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/02/2018 21:04

If my friend had food poisoning and was begging me to collect them,of course I would
He left you scared,ill,desperate to go home and didn’t come to get you
That’s not actions of ones partner. He simply doesn’t care

RedDogsBeg · 10/02/2018 21:08

You've got your definitions of kind and gentle all wrong, OP. This man doesn't care about you at all, nor does he love, respect or value you. Your choice accept and out up with that or value yourself, get out and make a better life without him in it.

Earlyriser84 · 10/02/2018 21:11

He's an arsehole

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/02/2018 21:14

Your lease is ending,that’s your out if you want it - so you need to have a good think
You could rent elsewhere with a flatmate or remain in cohabitation with him

AnachronisticCorpse · 10/02/2018 21:16

WHAT LOTTERY?

Lemonnaise · 10/02/2018 21:18

Refusing to give you £40 when he had it is downright fucking lousy.

Sending you a few nice texts doesn't make up for it.

MotherofTerriers · 10/02/2018 21:21

You are worth so much more than this. Have my very first LTB

LuxuryWoman2017 · 10/02/2018 21:26

'Oh but I love him'
Well crack on then, he sounds a cunt but hey.
What is it you love? I hate him and I've never met him.

f83mx · 10/02/2018 21:27

Seriously what is the lottery??

But all the things everyone else has said and you know - you've been together 9 years and he won't lend, LEND, LEND (!) you 40 quid, nahhh come on.... you do realise most blokes are nicer than yours and you can find one once you get rid of this one?

CoolCarrie · 10/02/2018 21:31

LuxuryWoman is spot on here, he is a cunt, and I hate him too!
You deserve so much better Hanna fgs be strong and don’t waste any more of your life on him, he really is a total shit!

NeganLovesLucille · 10/02/2018 21:35

Has he worn down your self-esteem so much that you think he is the best that you can expect?