To not want to carry on if my husband dies?

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Does anyone else feel like this?

But some people do actually care about their husbands.

Jesus Christ. Way to spectacularly torpedo people's sympathy with your perspective, not to mention shit on the people who have actually discussed their devastating experiences of losing their spouses.

I don't agree with outright hostility to the feelings you've expressed, but they are undeniably self-indulgent and maudlin when you have a healthy, living DH. People have explained this to you, rather patiently.

Yes, but loving and caring for my dh, doesn't mean that life wouldn't go on without him if he dies before me Oblomov.
Of course I love dh. I also love lots of other people.
Sadly, people die, but it doesn't mean the other person should not be able to live a fulfilling life in the years or decades after that.

It is quite a strange thing to be thinking, when the OP's dh isn't even ill or anything.

"In reality you find a way. I haven't lost a partner but I have lost my eldest son to cancer. It pisses me off when people say "l don't know how you cope, I'd die if one of my children died." As if I loved my son any less than they love their children."

My terminally ill best friend gets fucked off with people who say 'you're so strong. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't. If I got cancer I think I'd just end it all' as if he's somehow coping because he's stronger than them or more suited to coping with suffering... he isn't! He's just a normal person. This is as hard for him as it would be for anyone else. He's not a superhero just a regular guy who's trying not to die and to stay around for his child to grow up a little bit more.

It's frustrating. I think people like to paint it as us and them, as it makes them think as they 'couldn't cope' it wouldn't happen to them. As after all, if the people who get really sick are soooo strong then maybe only strong people get sick. It's a form of magical thinking but it helps someone kid themselves if won't happen to them. Kinda like 'god only chooses the strong' or 'we're only given as much as we can cope with' bullshit.

My mum died and countless people told me how strong I was to be able to come to terms and move on over a few years, it was excruciating and I will always miss her. But I'm not extra strong. If their mum died they'd suffer like me but they'd cope like me too cos you have to. You just keep getting through each day and time passes and you start to heal a little bit at a time.

But some people do actually care about their husbands. This goes against the grain on MN. But it is actually true.

Oh fuck off, Oblomov18.

No seriously, fuck off.

I 100% dont think that people who manage to get on with their lives after the loss of their husband loved their husband any less than me. I think they are very brave and strong people.
I think this has more to do with personality than love. I dont think I would be able to continue with my life if my husband were to die when we are older. I would be able to if he died now because I could focus on my children and they would need me. But in older age I just wouldnt want to carry on.
Im not a particularly upbeat person as it is and I dont value life above its quality. Id rather die than suffer extreme pain or physical disability for example. Thats just how I am.

I think there are some people who will continue no matter what gets thrown at them.
My husband is actually like that and I know that if i died he would continue and go on to find happiness again I think.
I admire that about him.

I get where you're coming from... although I have a ds so I'd want to be around for you.

Have a listen to 'dig two' by The Band Perry 😁

Id rather die than suffer extreme pain

And how would you do that? I’d have thought most if not all forms of ending one’s life would be painful in and of itself?

Sorry I don’t mean that to sound flippant or offensive but people spout out things like “I couldn’t go on” they do realise that to bring that to fruition is likely to be horrible/painful?

I realise that really he is the centre of my life

I think this is the issue. It's unhealthy to make another human being the centre of your life.

Of course a loss if a loved one is devastating and at times you just feel like it's all pointless.... but it's the cycle of life.

But some people do actually care about their husbands

Ermmm yeah I cared about mine too. I sat with him for weeks, looked after him and held his hand until he died. And then after saying goodbye forever, I went home and tried to put my life back together again. In many (but not all) ways I have succeeded. Maybe I didn't care enough about him for not ending it there and then or alternatively maybe you're just a twat.

We always thought my Nan would struggle - incredibly codependent, together from when she was 19 to 84 (so 65 years) and they very much had their own areas that they dealt with - so he did all the admin/financial stuff etc. But actually 3 1/2 years later and she is doing ok in her own little flat and has managed without him. Because you do.

woah, so because I wouldnt give up on my life if my dp died I don't care about him??? How offensive. I think some people get love and dependency confused. I'd give the man everything I have. But I have other passionsand interests in life as well as him, you know. It's called being well rounded.

And btw thats one of the things he says he loves most about me; my independence and lack of neediness. Neither of us could bear to be the sole reason for someone elses living!