To not want to carry on if my husband dies?

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Does anyone else feel like this?

You were here before you met your other half, you will be here after they are gone.

It would suck, it would be hard, you would hurt like hell (presumably).

Humans are generally quite good at adapting to change, even horrible change.

My uncle lost his wife about 5 years ago when he was in his late seventies. They had been together since they were 13 / 14 and had had a very happy marriage. He was devastated when she died. However, about 2 years ago he re-married someone very nice and he is exceptionally happy and leading an active and fulfilling life. I admire the fact that he has found a way to live with his great loss and still make the most of the time he has left.

I found the same as Badbadtromance and it was a very painful experience. However, before and since that time spent some periods of several years alone, and some in other LTRs. I don't think any of my life has been meaningless and not all of the people who gave it meaning were partners or children.

One of my friends lost his partner in his mid 20's, they had been together for 5 years and he was devastated. It took him a long long time to heal and recover from his loss (they had plans for the future, children, etc)

He recently met a new partner, is taking it slow and has told me he feels a bit guilty sometimes. But life moves on.

What are you hoping for this thread? I mean your dh isn’t even ill or anything and you don’t have any idea how you would feel if anything did happen to him

Like anyone is going to come on and say Yes if your dh dies first, just kill yourself

I get where you are coming from op. It's probably wrong but I think I will feel the same way. I have a DD though so would have to try and shape up and do my best. I certainly hope I die before him though.

Don't understand why you should be flamed for expressing this.

OP - do you suffer with anxiety?

I know what you mean OP - we have no children (of our own, he has DC from before), but I have also realised that he is very much the centre of my world.

Of course we are not perfect, we fall out and get annoyed with one another etc, but he is so intrinsic to my life that I just can't picture it without him.

That said - I would be beyond devastated if anything happened to him and would no doubt fall apart for some time. But I would pick myself up and carry on eventually, because you just do.

You love him OP! May you both have a very long and healthy life together.

I can't imagine my life without my DH. It would be unbareable and unthinkable. Having said that...we have young children and I wouldn't want to leave them without both of us so I would have to find a way to cope.

If I were you I would try to stop thinking like this and just go with the flow. Nobody knows how we will feel when stuff happens.

Also, people cope with this every day.

If there is no reason to worry that you're going to lose him any time soon, "don't borrow trouble".

You can't predict what's going to happen. It could be anything. So enjoy yourself now and don't torture yourself worrying about it.

We lost my DM far too young - DF carried on, as did we all. You put one foot in front of the other (mostly on the golf course in Df's case!) and eventually life starts to make sense again, and to be good again, even if it's never quite the same again.

How tragic that you feel you've spent most of your life 'killing time'

We had neighbours until recently aged 90+. They celebrated their silver wedding not long before they both got sick and died. Both had long marriages until being widowed in their sixties. They mourned, then met one another and had an entirely new chapter of their lives.

I honestly don’t think I would ever remarry but am prepared to be wrong. I’m the same kind of age as you and am pragmatic that if I am left I will need to find a way to be happy or content for the rest of my life.

Nobody wants to be a Queen Victoria.

I think it would be a healthy thing for you to both widen your circle of friends, so that although you'd be sad, you wouldn't feel that you had nothing to live for.

I have had the discussion with my husband and we have both urged each other to be open to new relationships if anything happened to one of us. I feel much happier to think he might meet someone else (sooner rather than later) and be as happy as we are now if he was alone again. My mother gave up on life after my father died, she has spent the last 30 years doing very little and expecting the family to take her out, shop etc. despite the fact that she was only 63 when he died. She lives a Miss Havisham type existence in the family home which she should have moved from years ago. Not a good way to exist.

I can't imagine it - but I also can't do anything about it. That's a serenity situation - no point worrying. Also no point wrecking the 'now' with worry about the future.

We don't know what's coming, and that's good. To quote Lord of the Rings: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us"

I am (hypothetically) torn between not wanting to outlive my dh and wanting to be there for my children (even though I hope they'll be well into their 50s before they're orphaned). So I get the worry.

The reality though is that it is not within my gift to determine what order we go in. So I try not to think about it.

I find this such an odd concept, to feel like a partner is literally the only thing worth living for. Don't get me wrong, I love my DP so much and would be devastated if anything happened to him. But even apart from the DC I know that life is worth living, even without him.

Nope. I'm sure I'd be devastated but see it as a new chapter - maybe travel and have some fun etc. I'm sure with counselling you would get to grips with it. Worrying about imaginary situations that have no basis in your current reality (i.e he isn't ill or dying) seems like an issue though. Also being that dependent on someone can't be healthy - maybe take steps now (widen social circle, do stuff on your own) etc?

No. It would be hard and awful and I’d be devastated. If my dd died, that would be different. I’m chronically ill and cannot do many normal things most people take for granted. I do not get much pleasure out of life beyond enjoying seeing my dd grow and be happy.

i felt like this about my brother mum and sister and then I wondered how id keep my dad going or even if he would.and then not want me!the thoughts one mind goes through in loss. it sent me crazy in the end,and just cried.
I understand this feeling.
I think it is one of those things you might thnk 100 percent you feel it now but if god forbid It did happen the fight and life in you might kick in and just day by day heal you into wanting to carry on.
I'm not trying to tell you your not telling the truth no no.just that in these situations you react different given by the moment by moment after effects. there could be some tiny things that come along afterwards that give you a feelin of "I might be ok" and some amaxing support from loved ones somehow give you such a invisible ability to carry on.
don't think about it hun.it wont get your anywhere but worry.ifyou feel like this you just gotta go grab him and spedn the rest of ur time feeling this amazing love you obviously have. and that gorgeous that you have that in ur life.

I think it would depend how old I was. I say this, because my DGP's died within 10 days of one another, at the ages of 93, after 2 months short of 60 years of marriage. My DGM developed cancer and went quickly (within 2 weeks) and my DGF, who had always wanted to go first, simply sat down in his chair 10 days after she'd died and he'd arranged with my DF on how to carry out the wills, etc, and never got back up. It was devastating, but he didn't want to live without her, and I think she would have been the same. I don't think at their age there was anything wrong with feeling that way.