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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to carry on if my husband dies?

138 replies

WingsOnMyBoots · 08/02/2018 10:30

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
Eolian · 08/02/2018 13:24

YABU. You are a person in your own right, not just half of a couple. Maybe you need to branch out and find some new hobbies or friends. I love my dh very much and would be devastated if he died, but I don't think it would occur to me for a moment to not want to carry on, even if I didn't have children. I would assume my dh would feel the same way if I died. Part of what makes him an attractive and interesting person is that he is an independent person with interests separate from mine.

OutyMcOutface · 08/02/2018 13:26

I think I would if I felt that my children really didn't need me/like I was a burden to them.

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 08/02/2018 13:28

I often wonder how the hell i would cope and I would be devistated as he is an amazing husband and father. I would have to go on for DS

StylishMummy · 08/02/2018 13:28

I've often thought the same of my DH, although now we have DCs I'd have to carry on. We've been told were too 'codependent', boring and unhealthy because we are each other's best friends and enjoy spending our time as a 4, but then all our friends aren't married with DC, mainly single or in semi-serious relationships. I don't think you're unreasonable OP, it means he's your soulmate!

guest2013 · 08/02/2018 13:32

Id be fine. I love my husband but you only get one life and when it's over, it's over. I'd just live the rest of my life selfishly doing just whatever I wanted. Sounds quite nice actually Grin

Original poster
WingsOnMyBoots · 08/02/2018 13:43

To answer some questions - I posted to see if other people felt the same way and just hear different opinions. I don't feel particularly anxious in general.

I've had a lot of loss in my life starting from a very young age. I think this does contribute to it.

I don't feel that my life 'was 'killing time' before my husband came along but yes, I feel that deep down no matter what I did and how busy I am I would really just be filling the time until we're together again - yes I believe in an after life.

I don't feel I am manipulative as I don't tell my husband this. He always says he hopes I go first (lol!) so he wouldn't be worrying about me - maybe I should be more worried about that!!;lol!

I'm not aware he's taken out any life insurance on me so think I'm probably ok! :-)

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 08/02/2018 13:49

I have no doubt you love your DH, OP even though you have only been married a short time.

One of my Uncles died a couple of months after celebrating his and my Aunt's 70th wedding anniversary. She was rightly devastated but always had the view that we only get one life and it should be lived to the full until the end. During the two years up to her death she did just that. That didn't mean she didn't miss him desperately, of course she did but it did not stop her enjoying the remaining time she had.

You aren't an appendage to your DH, you're an individual with your own life to lead whatever that brings.

Ginkypig · 08/02/2018 13:52

If I had the choice I wouldn't want to be without him but I know that if he died I'd be devastated but I'd just have to get on with things.

I did say to him that I hoped (meaning in old age) he went first I would want him to be saved from the pain and grief of losing his partner, and the difficulty of old age and health problems alone. I don't want it either but if it spared him the pain then it would be worth it. Which I know sounds odd because he'd be dead but I mean it in a nice way Blush

The reality is he is 15 years older so it could be that he may go first but as he is only nearly 50 I hope we are talking decades from now.

MrsMaxwell · 08/02/2018 13:53

minmooch

SadFlowers

You really moved me.

fourquenelles · 08/02/2018 13:53

Op I met my late DH in my early 40s and we were married for 10 years when he died at 57. The future we had planned for together died with him.
I felt I had two choices - sit in a corner for the rest of my life with a coat over my head or live life to the full and build a new, different future for myself.
I chose the latter. In the early months I did some daft things in my grief if I am honest and some things that I am not proud of but I was carving out my new future.
Eight years on I still miss DH. I still tear up occasionally when the wave of overwhelming sadness hits me out of the blue. I have discovered that grief is not a linear process, it ebbs and flows and turns back on itself when you least expect it. I do feel that I owe it to him to make the most of whatever time I have left. He didn't have that option.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/02/2018 13:58

I think everyone who loves someone feels like this at some point OP. You don't want your happiness to end which is understandable. Live for each day as worrying is a waste of energy.

NoqontroI · 08/02/2018 14:13

We talked about this recently as we were watching a programme where the wife reappeared after 7 years, having been declared dead and the husband had remarried.

Where on earth had she been for all that time?

Yvest · 08/02/2018 14:19

My husband has a life limiting illness and I don't know how long he's going to be around, it could be a few months, it could be a few years but he's not going to be around to get old and it's shit, really really shit but I am a strong person and I know I'm going to miss him with all my heart, we have a really good marriage but I'm sure as hell not going to give up on my life. I have a good job, a lovely house, great children, a big family and lots of friends. It's not the life I would have chosen, I thought I'd grow old with him, but I know that I'm going to carve myself out a lovely fulfilling life, just one without him and if the tables were turned I'd want him to do the same.

Original poster
WingsOnMyBoots · 08/02/2018 14:23

I feel humbled and somewhat shame-faced and indulgent when people tell me they have lost their partners/husbands etc. and even their children, which I cannot imagine, and DO carry on. I don't want people to feel I am insulting them by implying that somehow they must be stronger than me or don't feel how I do etc. That most definitely is not the case but I apologise if anyone has felt that.

I do know I CAN carry on, it would be terribly hard and painful to carry on but if other people can, I know I can. But I still don't feel any different in that I genuinely wouldn't want to. It doesn't make me feel proud of myself but on the other hand I had so many crap relationships before I'm happy to finally have a good, happy one and I don't want that to end.

OP posts:
petbear · 08/02/2018 14:27

I would be OK. He would struggle without me though.

maxthemartian · 08/02/2018 14:27

I get where you're coming from actually OP. I have friends and family but they are not him, if he died I'd be in a world where no-one loved me best.

Baubletrouble43 · 08/02/2018 14:40

I love my dp. But I also love my kids, friends , dog, hobbies, my life, and myself. I'm sure I would be upset if he went but I won't lie and say my life would be over. My mum brought me up to not be dependant on anyone.Financially or emotionally.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2018 14:57

What minmooch ((((())))) and bluesky said.

Hopeoverexperience · 08/02/2018 14:58

minmooh - totally agree with your post. I was widowed at a young age and you carry on because you have to. The world keeps turning! Value, remember and cherish your memories and live on because you can, life is precious. You honestly don’t know how you will feel or act until it happens . You cannot imagine it so please don’t try.

wysteriafloribunba · 08/02/2018 14:58

You'd be fine. It's never wise to become too dependent on someone as you never know what tomorrow brings.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2018 15:10

I feel that deep down no matter what I did and how busy I am I would really just be filling the time until we're together again - yes I believe in an after life.

Mum lost Dad after 52 years of marriage. Each was the other's first and only love and they 'walked life's path' always hand in hand until Dad died. Mum was broken hearted, but still lived a full life after Dad died until dementia (that bastard) robbed her of her mind. Her days were full of church activities, a widow's cards and lunch group, volunteer work, travels, our family, etc.

But, in essence, she was also just 'filling the time' until she and Dad are together again. The two are not mutually exclusive. She would have been happy to join him the day after he died. But she also knew that if that was not God's plan for her, that it was up to her to fill her days with happiness until they are together again. Now, her mind is gone and she doesn't know who we are. But we are thankful that she created so many wonderful and happy memories of herself for us, both with Dad and without him. To have only memories of her pining and sorrowing for him over the last 15 years, before dementia robbed us of her, would be more than we could bear.

Because Dad would not have wanted her to pine away. He would have felt that Mum living a good and happy life after his death was the greatest tribute she could ever pay to the happiness of their life together.

sinceyouask · 09/02/2018 10:03

I used to work with an absolutely lovely, lovely woman who had suffered the appalling trauma of losing one of her daughters in a road traffic accident when she was little. She very much wanted to end her life in the aftermath of that, so, she told me, she decided she would stay alive for 2 years, to get things in place so that her husband and their surviving daughter would be able to manage without her, and then she would follow through with her plan. And when that 2 years was up, although the terrible loss and pain were not gone- how could they ever be- she found that the desperate urge she had to die was gone, and she could carry on.

I think people need to be kind to themselves and others when it comes to grief, and trying to imagine how they would deal with terrible loss.

Bluelady · 09/02/2018 10:08

No. Initially it would be dreadful but my life wouldn't end. I'd do all the things I've always wanted to that he won't even consider. I find myself quite envying some of my single friends sometimes.

echt · 09/02/2018 10:27

I knew that it was likely I would be a widow and not because DH was ill, just the stats.

When my DH died suddenly I longed to not be alive, if I can distinguish it from being dead. I didn't and don't want to be with him because there is no him or a place to be. The pain is horrible. Beyond belief.

There is still a part of me that thinks if I was given the thumbs down and had time to arrange my affairs and leave DD sorted, I'd be glad to go. However I haven't had that challenge, so what do I know?

LemonShark · 09/02/2018 10:34

The thing is OP, nobody should have to stay alive who doesn't want to. I'm a big believer in getting anyone who needs it mental health support to get through a difficult time, providing emotional support, treatment for conditions like depression that may be contributing to thoughts of suicide. But beyond all of that, if someone does decide they want their life to end they have a right to do that.

So if the time comes and your husband dies and you do decide you want to die, you will be able to make that happen. You're not trapped living if you don't want to be.

Does that make you feel any more reassured?

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