To not want to carry on if my husband dies?

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Does anyone else feel like this?

I'd have a party and hang out bunting the way I feel about him at the moment .

I wish we still had a relationship where I felt like that! I did up until about 14 years into our relationship (10 years ago), took me that long to realise that he certainly didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about him.

Like with lots of (usually bad) things, the thought of something fills you with horrific dread and your convinced that there is no way you could ever live and cope if x,y,z happened to you. that is until it happens to you, then you just get on with it, you live with the devastation and learn a new way to go through life. Your sometimes forever changed but you cope.

Remember when someone close to you the pain is a positive thing, it means you loved them. If you didn't care it wouldn't hurt.

That's a wonderful sentiment when you're young, BitOut . In my family /dh's family though, I have seen people achieve great old ages, they are a long-lived bunch. The reality of living to 100+ though is that, bit by bit, you lose everything - your parents, uncles/aunts, siblings, sometimes your children (and don't you believe a 100 year old mother doesn't grieve deeply over the death of a 75 year old son). Your partner dies, your friends die, your new friends die, all the people on TV that you liked die, the musicians you enjoyed die. You lose your independence, your health declines, you can't do many of the things you used to enjoy. Maybe some can stick to the "life is worth living" philosophy and I honour them for it. But my experience is of active engaged people who at 85 enjoy life to the full, being quite ready (even impatient) to leave it 10 years later. And losing your partner is no small part of that.

Do you feel anxious?

Anxiety can make us attach and worry. It's lovely that you have found your true love but it's being marred by feeling you could lose him.

I understand. I met my lovely husband in my late 30’s and I felt I really knew what loneliness is like. When we initially met I was very very afraid of loosing him. That has got better with time and also getting my depression treated. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust and maybe think of a visit to your GP - you are welcome to PM me. Take care

It's a horrible experience to lose someone, but nearly all bereaved people find that they heal, to an extent, in time and are able to carry on with their lives.

But it is a little bit unhealthy to obsess over your romantic partner as your only reason for living. No single relationship is actually that big a deal: there is a world of people and experiences and useful, satisfying work out there. If focussing on what you would do if your H dies is causing you anxiety and distress (when he is not particuarly old, in good health and - unless he's in the military or does another high risk job - no particular likelihood of him dying in the immediate future) then it might be worth talking this over with some or other MH professional.

Barbaria I can only say how I feel now though can't i? I'm 50. My 80yo widowed for 20+ years mom was devastated when we lost my dad. She loved him deeply. She still leads a full and happy life in the main

I can't imagine how devastated I would be if I lost my DH but I would carry on as I want to be there should my adult DC should ever need me. I would likei to be around to see them enjoying their lives for as long as possible.

*What are you hoping for this thread? I mean your dh isn’t even ill or anything confused and you don’t have any idea how you would feel if anything did happen to him

Like anyone is going to come on and say Yes if your dh dies first, just kill yourself*

THIS !!!

I met my DH 18 years ago and we've been married most of these years. We love each other deeply and the plan is to grow old together. We never know what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month, but if I ever am to die first, I would still wish him to try to leave a life as full and happy as possible, and try to find as much joy in it as he can.

We talked about this recently as we were watching a programme where the wife reappeared after 7 years, having been declared dead and the husband had remarried.

I think it would be very hard indeed, as a lot of our lives are wound up in each other. But we are also both individuals in our own right and have separate work and interests, beyond DD and our shared interests and home.

Also, when I think of not having to deal with stinky bathrooms on a regular basis or knees into my back in the middle of the night or snoring on occasions, that is another definite positive to sticking around on my own.

But I am under no illusion that I would be quite lost for a period trying to adjust, deal with practicalities and also the loneliness.

That's all you can do, keep going and give it time to adjust. I certainly don't think I could do anything to hasten my own demise just because DH was gone. Regardless of DD.

My husband will be 82 in May and I am nearly 74. We have loving children and grandchildren but I hate the idea of life without him. It terrifies me.

wings I'm very empathetic to your thoughts and fears. Having lost my DH1 I am in constant fear of losing my beloved DH2. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person but not a day goes by without me feeling the pain of loss, and that I'm lucky to have him but that our lives, all of us, are on a thread.

Try to enjoy every day, and moment with your DH, and try not to think too far into the future because it is all too bloody painful when you think of it like that

My DP is my great love and soulmate, no doubt.

I don't want a life without him in it but I have my children and friends. I think I could love someone else but I genuinely don't think it could be as I love him.

I know this is not the same thing but i think it is relevant here.

I lost my eldest DD when she was aged 5. People often said to me that they didn't know how i coped with this and if it was them they would not have been able to go on living.

I always felt this was a ridiculous thing to say. Yes it was fucking hard but i got through each day by getting up, muddling through the day and going to bed. Then getting up the next day and so on...until it eventually got a bit easier and a bit easier. And now many years on i am pretty much healed although it can still hurt at times.

Saying you wouldn't want to go on living if your DH died is frankly silly because you have absolutely no idea how you would cope with this until it actually happens. Hopefully it won't happen to you for a very, very long time.

Enjoy life and stop fretting about this.

Maybe some reassurance that it'll be OK? Or at least that you're not alone for having these sorts of thoughts?

Yes, I feel exactly the same BUT I have BPD and separation anxiety/Attachment disorder so I'm well aware this isn't normal or natural.

I wouldnt. Unless my children were still young and needed me. I worry about this a lot as my husband is much older than me.

Some of the women posting here about their husbands dying are so brave and so determined. I hope I could be like them but I seriously doubt I could.

I think you're really lucky to be in a marriage where being without your DH sounds the worst thing on earth. Most marriages on here involve regular threats of the DH being buried under the patio . You should treasure every moment of it . Never spend good times worrying about potential bad ones, life really is too short.

I think you need to work on making YOU and your life as important to you as he is.

Why would YOU not matter if he dies? why do you not realise that you are important?

It sounds a bit like anxiety/depression, would see the GP as there are treatments for that.

I understand you OP.

On the other side - I wouldn't want to be someone's sole reason for living. And my children are not my sole reasons for living either. I would find that an oppressive burden and I would want them to develop other ties to life.

I have been with my DH since we were 16 and are now early 60s. Neither of us can imagine life without the other and the older we get the more this feels the case. However, in reality I'm sure both of us would find the strength to carry on, hard though that would be.

We also have a grown up son, who we are very close to and I think we would both want to be around as long as possible to see how his life panned out.

I don't think it's odd to have these thoughts when you love your partner and your lives are so entwined.

In reality you find a way. I haven't lost a partner but I have lost my eldest son to cancer. It pisses me off when people say "l don't know how you cope, I'd die if one of my children died." As if I loved my son any less than they love their children.

You live because you are lucky to have life, you find meaning because you are lucky to have life. My son would be fucking furious if I killed myself to be with him. Not because I have another child but because he didn't get to live his and I should know how precious life is.

It doesn't mean it's easy. After watching my child die, living is hard. But live I will. I will honour him and his life.

Just like you should honour your dh life should he go before you.

It's a bloody crass subject when you're imaging a life without someone when they are fit and healthy. Many of us had had to live the hard reality of life after losing a loved one.