To want to move because I hate it here?

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A bit of backstory:

I am Canadian and moved here after University to be with my then-BF (now-DH). He is British. My family are all in Canada and his are all in the UK. I am extremely close to my family and ideally would live in Canada, but due to family disabilities on DH's side, this isn't really an option. We chose the UK because he was still doing his Masters and PhD at a very good British University. I have been here nearly 4 years now.

DH's PhD funding runs out in September at which point he will have to work while finishing up his thesis. This is where I think we should be making a move to somewhere that I find has a great culture and a booming industry in DH's field. I thought DH was on board, but now he wants to go somewhere an hour from where we currently are.

The thing is, I hate where we live. I don't like the culture or the politics. I feel like I don't fit in. All over England I am hearing awful things said about immigrants and it's hard not to take it to heart. We have a handful of friends who don't live near enough to see often, and I am worried that it is going to be the same situation in the place DH wants. He's got his eye on a posh place because of a particular company. I am not a posh person and don't do cocktails or fancy dinners, and I can just see myself being lonely and uncomfortable. I simply don't want to be in England anymore. I don't feel welcome.

DH says I'm not open to anywhere except the place I have been on about (which is true, in a way). The city (not in England, but within a 45 minute flight) feels like home. And being so far from family, I think that's what I need - somewhere that I know I fit in and can make friends and fit into the culture.

AIBU to want this? Or am I being close-minded in thinking that I will never feel happy in this country? It's a major sticking point in our marriage right now.

I think op will be miserable wherever she is until she solves the underlying problem.

Ireland - a religious run country with forced birth and a lot of religious hate. Scotland - with some people who hate the English. England - with some people who hate immigrants. All these places also have many decent people and lots going for them.

You get back what you give out.

I’d look at Liverpool, Manchester, Glasgow and Edinburgh. All good for tech and dance jobs, all cosmopolitan and creative. All voted remain. Glasgow and Liverpool also quite cheap to live too, offering a lot for your money.
I paid £23 for a round of three drinks last time I was in Dublin, in an ordinary pub. I’d get change for £10 in Glasgow!

How about Bristol? Cosmopolitan and fun with countryside on your doorstep. Plenty of jobs in your fields. It’s a shame about London as you certainly would feel more like you fitted in and less “alien” and there are so many opportunities there. It’s a big place - would you consider somewhere completely different to where you were before (eg Ealing is a community in itself, not in the centre of things but easy to get to). Or even get some help getting over the event that happened to you as it sounds like it’s a difficult thing for you to live with.

You sound generally unhappy and I wonder if this is being focussed on something tangible ie the place you are living.

When I felt depressed I was focussed entirely on moving back to where I thought I was happy. I did and I still was miserable.

My view now is that you can be happy anywhere (within reason obviously). I live in a shitty area in a shitty flat (by circumstance not choice ). I am happy though, in fact the happiest I’ve been which seems to indicate that it’s often not where you live but how you are feeling mood-wise, that most affects happiness.

If you are feeling low it might well be that no location will help you feel better. Have you spoken to anyone about how miserable you feel?

Have you tried Astrocartography it might sound silly but the place I feel most at home is where I have some of the best crossings and lines.

I have lived in one place in the UK and although I was born in the Uk but was made to feel like an outsider because I wasn't born in that town and had lived elsewhere.
It is ony since I have left that I have come across other people who lived there for a time and found they were treated the same

Lots of chewy issues to debate, but just to cut through them - essentially I think your DH should compromise and try moving to Dublin. At least apply for jobs there and then try it out for a year. Unless I've missed it, he doesn't seem to have a good reason not to, whereas it'd be a good move for you, even if ultimately it doesn't prove to be the perfect place longer term. Dublin should be the compromise. You've come a long way, been supportive of him. Now he should try this to help you feel happier.

I will have a look into all of the suggested locations. I think I might be unreasonable being so hell-bent on Dublin, but it's not somewhere I just thought up after a holiday. Over 10 years of research and interest in that particular city has gone into my yearning for Dublin.

Thanks again for all of the help

Even in Canada you get hate and intolerance look at the Quebec area and how the fedrual government treats the native tribes, you are being very judgement when your own countries government treats members of your own socielty really shockingly as in Canada treats native populations FAR WORSE then the USA and the USA treats them badly....

When i lived in tribal lands the amount of hatred i got from none native Canadians was insane should i brand all Canadians racist for their treatment of the native population (or first nation as my friend calls i will not use a word as they hate the term).

I do understand the appeal of Dublin. The people and culture are great - and from what you've described of yourself I see why they'd suit you.

Just make sure you've figured out the economics and logistics of it.

And I agree that your DH should be prepared to compromise for you at this stage.

What about Scotland? Glasgow and Edinburgh have a lot of the advantages of Dublin while still being in the UK and therefore the benefits of lower tax/NHS

One of the biggest advantages of Dublin is that it is not in the UK, so no they don't.

worridmum I never accused all of England's population racist! And not once did I say that I approved of the treatment of natives in Canada, nor did I ever imply that Canada was free of racism. You have most definitely either taken my views too far and twisted my words to suit you or are acting as a troll, and I do not appreciate it.

Hi where in the midlands are you op? As there are some nicer more inclusive parts of the midlands, is this not an option?

One of the biggest advantages of Dublin is that it is not in the UK, so no they don't

In terms of what the OP seems to be looking for, a relaxed culture, friendly people.

I'd rather not list my location, as it is outing.

OP is looking for a relaxed culture and friendly people who are not in the midst of Brexit and the accompanying issues with immigrants!

Yeah and Scotland voted remain and is culturally very different to England.

and culturally very different to Ireland, as well.

I don't think it's unreasonable to move because you hate it here. If I hated living where I lived I would move. Good luck.

There are a lot of similarities between Irish and Scottish culture (though I'm not saying for a second they are the same). Irish people usually feel very comfortable in Scotland and vice versa.

Given what I can glean about the OPs personality and the type of people she wants to be around, Scotland feels like a good option for her to consider.

I think you should rethink London. It is a huge place and whatever the triggering event was, you could live on the other side if the city and never need to go there again. It is also one of the most welcoming cities to immigrants. Truly an international city in a way Edinburgh and Glasgow really aren’t.

People are people whetever you are, and no country is homogenous.

If you consider Scotland, the west and east are very different, as are Glasgow and Edinburgh. If finances are difficult, Glasgow is less expensive. There is loads to do, and easy access to stunning areas of countryside and coast.

People are different in different countries though.

With a PHD in a technical subject, the world is literally his oyster on the job front.

The serious question is does he really want to limit his career opportunities to the criteria of being close to the NW of England? He obviously doesn’t have daily caring responsibilities that require him to commute daily to the NW so it wouldn’t be a stretch to job search in Cambridge (more tech jobs in demand than there is supply of talent) or the Thames Valley (plenty of global tech companies around the Reading area). The SE (outside London) also have quite a number of professional dance companies/schools where there will be more job opportunities for yourself.

Family disabilities - is this emotional blackmail to deter him from the thought of emigrating to Canada with you by his parents?

I share your pain OP. I moved to the Midlands 3 years ago and it was the worst decision I ever made. I'm only now coming out of a huge depression about it, but I'm realistic enough to know that the people I socialise with will never be true friends .

We’ve moved post graduation within the UK and we have moaning GP’s (not disabled) who complain we don’t visit often enough. We live 2 hrs’ drive away and visit almost every month. Hypocritically, they whinged when we contemplated taking job offers in the States ( 2 are Americans who married Brits so left their families behind 40 yrs ago!) I got the job offer because I was already working for a US company and was seconded over there for 18 mths anyway so it would have been relatively straightforward. DH was a dual national so no visa issues there. Live your lives for yourself, not for your parents!