To want to move because I hate it here?

[mcgoogleismename]

A bit of backstory:

I am Canadian and moved here after University to be with my then-BF (now-DH). He is British. My family are all in Canada and his are all in the UK. I am extremely close to my family and ideally would live in Canada, but due to family disabilities on DH's side, this isn't really an option. We chose the UK because he was still doing his Masters and PhD at a very good British University. I have been here nearly 4 years now.

DH's PhD funding runs out in September at which point he will have to work while finishing up his thesis. This is where I think we should be making a move to somewhere that I find has a great culture and a booming industry in DH's field. I thought DH was on board, but now he wants to go somewhere an hour from where we currently are.

The thing is, I hate where we live. I don't like the culture or the politics. I feel like I don't fit in. All over England I am hearing awful things said about immigrants and it's hard not to take it to heart. We have a handful of friends who don't live near enough to see often, and I am worried that it is going to be the same situation in the place DH wants. He's got his eye on a posh place because of a particular company. I am not a posh person and don't do cocktails or fancy dinners, and I can just see myself being lonely and uncomfortable. I simply don't want to be in England anymore. I don't feel welcome.

DH says I'm not open to anywhere except the place I have been on about (which is true, in a way). The city (not in England, but within a 45 minute flight) feels like home. And being so far from family, I think that's what I need - somewhere that I know I fit in and can make friends and fit into the culture.

AIBU to want this? Or am I being close-minded in thinking that I will never feel happy in this country? It's a major sticking point in our marriage right now.

I have joined societies and do activities outside of work. But I can't say I've made friends, they're just acquaintances with just the one common interest.

The British/English thing is half ignorance (I really don't understand the difference between Britain and United Kingdom), part that England is where I feel unhappy, not NI/Scotland/Wales.

Money is bad right now because DH is on a low stipend and I am the primary breadwinner at £12/hour. His expertise gives a great starting salary come September, so the concern about cost of location is small.

To me it sounds as though you’re generally discontent with your life, that your DH is the only good thing you have. You’re focusing all your malcontent on location because it’s something concrete you could do something about.

My experience of moving country many times as a child and an adult, is that your issues follow you. You just deal with them in different surroundings.

In your shoes I would sort out the work issues, look ahead to DC, set your mind to making wherever you end up your home. Be committed and make a proper go of it. Otherwise you risk all the good things you already have (I don’t mean DH, more things like emotional and mental stability, savings, solid relationship, certainty, a path to follow, not being new etc).

He had said that Dublin was a strong contender and that he could see us living there, but that we had to look based on jobs and companies as well.but tech is huge in Dublin so there is no shortage of jobs and companies.

If this was me I'd be looking for both myself and my DH to compromise equally. That would probably mean spending a few years in the UK and then a few years in Canada.

Why should one of you live near your family and the other not? I'd be concerned about long term resentment destroying the marriage.

I don't think DH has any legitimate reason to refuse to live in Canada for a couple of years.

So it's his career /working potential that determines where you move? I.E. Would you have higher earning potential if you moved elsewhere within the UK?

You need to be happy with your choice, especially before you have kids, because it's a hell of a lot harder to move once you have them in tow, especially moving countries!

I lived in unfriendly neighbourhoods and amazingly friendly ones too when I lived in the uk. My fav was on the outskirts of Glasgow. I moved back to Canada and had reverse culture shock. There are things I preferred over there, but of course things I love here too. It is hard thinking there might be something better in another town. I found Scotland more like Canada than southern England if that helps. I also hated the constant media about immigrants. It is hard not to feel the sting.

Xpost.

Why should one of you follow an interesting and rewarding career and the other not? It doesn't make sense. It's not fair. And it will cause resentment which will ultimately destroy the marriage.

Jobs in your field more common in Canada? Tech jobs surely plentiful there too? I'd be making an ultimatum at this point, having already spent 4 years sacrificing my career and social life in order to support my DH to follow his dream career. Devils advocate asks - why shouldn't he sacrifice 4 years for you?

I always advise people to move to Norwich. It is a tiny city, but it's leftie, welcoming, close to stunning beaches & countryside, it has a university, it's a UNESCO City of Literature, and it is just a wonderful place to live. Everything's walkable, it's full of independent spirit, and it's beautiful. Oh, and we voted to remain too.

A local East European shop got attacked after the Brexit vote. We lovebombed that shop in response, because we don't put up that sort of shite. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/jul/10/justgiving-norwich-eastern-european-village-shop-fire

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/norwich-romanian-shop-window-racist-vandals-brexit-eu-referendum-arson-a7134676.html

My career doesn't pay well and is found wherever you go, but in England it is harder to get into without the right connections. Possibly outing, but I am a dance choreographer with specialisations in tap and jazz. DH's career simply pays the bills better than mine (or at least will once the stipend ends and he can.get a good job) and therefore gets priority.

See OP, you're kind of in the same situation I am (I'm a Brit living in Canada)

DH had the better job and far better career prospects, so I moved to Canada once we got married. I wanted to move here far more than to stay in the UK (for some of the reason you actually listed) but obviously emigrating is always hard. Been here ten years and to be honest the first couple of years were similar to what you described : hard to adjust, make friends etc. Didn't feel settled for a while. Bought a house, had kids, found a job I liked and things are easier now : but I do feel like I've sacrificed a huge amount for DH. My family are still all the UK : I miss them. I have settled into the city and like it now : I feel safe, love our house and lifestyle but it took time.

I'd think carefully about what you do next, especially if you decide to buy property and have kids.

I think it would help to know where you lived/where you might be going. Very outing. Some places are just much friendlier than others. Classism, sexism and racism are rife everywhere I’ve been, but people might at least be able to help you with info about the future city?

Living in a country that isn't your home country is hard, it isn't nice if there is a lot of anti immigrant sentiment even if it isnt directed at you. I would seriously consider Glasgow if you like Dublin or even Edinburgh. Scotland has bad weather but so does Ireland, the culture is much more like Ireland than most of England. Scotland's government is pro immigration even if all of the population isn't and there are long cultural links with Canada.

The disabilities in dh's family - is he a carer? Will he become a carer in later years? Does he see you becoming a carer?
I wondered whether he sees you both saying in the UK permanently because of this. If not, well why not a few years in Canada?

If you did move to Canada or Dublin, could you put plans in place to help dh's family? Is he open to this approach?

Canadians are like homing pigeons - they nearly always seem to want to go back home. I'm a Brit married to a Canadian. We met in the UK but his plan was always to return to Canada. We spent over 10 years in the Middle East and most Canadians had plans to 'do their time' then go back to Canada.
We moved to Canada a few years ago and never looked back.

Has your DH ever spent long periods of time in Canada, mcgoogle ?

Are you sure that he'll be able to work in Dublin after Brexit? It's a different country and will remain in the EU.

Cardiff seems a good idea @restingbutchface, people in wales are very friendly and house prices much cheaper than Dublin. People are friendly and seemingly less hostility to immigrants than some English cities.

Are you in the north or south of England?

Lots of dance opportunities in the Manchester/Liverpool area. Sadly a lot of tech in the UK is centered around Cambridge but there is a fair amount still in Manchester.

Personally, as a Canadian, I'd be on the first plane back to Canada too! Failing that California.

Tbh OP you sound really prejudiced against English people and are coming out with some really stereotypical views. Are your DD'S family very racist is that where this comes from? I can honestly say I rarely hear anything negative at all about immigrants and I find your attitude towards English people borderline offensive. Is this the reason that you are struggling to make friends? Ultimately though you need to find somewhere to live where you are both happy or it won't work.

Right, tough love time from me.

Sorry, but you're being ridiculous, and I say this as a long-term expat and immigrant myself.

You come from a commonwealth country and have been in the UK for 4 years yet admit you are unable to distinguish between "British" and "English" - thats a pretty basic and shocking disconnect from your adopted country's culture tbh, akin to me moving to Canada and not "understanding" why the country is bilingual.

You've written an entire city off (London) on the basis of some "triggering" incident. Come on. London isnt for everyone, but its a place pf opportunity where you'll find a massive Canadian expat community. Funnily enough I have a friend there who works in tap and jazz choreography and she's spoilt for choice with dance studios and "has ways" of getting to west end shows at least once a fortnight.

If i were you I would be pushing to get to London for the community and career aspect that you'll find there.

The UK is anti foreigners thing is an excuse you're making IMO. If you had at all taken an interest in the Brexit debate, ypu would understand that by and large, the Brexiters' anti immigration argument was rightly or wrongly aimed at immigrants from low income European countries and benefits claiming/undercutting workers in the UK (Im a remainer btw). It isnt aimed at French baristas, German engineers, or Canadian choreographers working in the UK.

It seems from the get go you were holding out for either him moving to Dublin or moving to Canada. You havent given things a fair shot.
It sounds like you were never up to the challenge anyway and should probably split so you can either go home or move to Dublin yourself. If you dont want to do that, I suggest pushing for London or Glasgow.

@PutUpWithRain I hated Norwich, I was there two years before I moved on as I was so miserable. I found it very very unfriendly and I had no friends at all. I still enjoy Norfolk for holidays as like you say it's a great place generally, but personally I was miserable. I am much happier now.

I understand where you are coming from OP as I've lived in places that made me deeply unhappy (Norfolk) and I knew moving was the only option. I was so glad I moved away, I'm infinitely happier now.

Don't let one bad experience put you off England, it could be that moving an hour away you will fit into a great social group and be really happy. Clearly my experience of Norwich is not the same as someone else's and I do think it's largely down to friends. Any who feels alone and isolated is going to to feel miserable.

I wouldn't fixate on Dublin (I agree though I'd love to live in Dublin) as maybe a move anywhere will turn out beneficial. Ultimately you need to move to where you and your husband can find work.

On a slightly different note - you say that your DH's funding has run out and he is going to be finishing his thesis while starting a new job. Unless he has pretty much finished writing up, that could be a really challenging time for him (and tough for you as the supporting partner). I speak as someone who supported my DH through writing up many years ago and have now just about completed my own PhD (viva done and corrections almost finished!)

It is a lot to cope with all at once and I would question whether this really should be the time when you decide where you are going to live forever. Perhaps it would be better to plan for a year or so of transition - your DH starts work and finishes his thesis and you set a date to re-evaluate where you want to be long term?

I was born in London and have lived here most of my life. I recognise it is not for everyone though. As for England as a whole, there are many parts that are little Englanders and supported the act of economic self-harm that is Brexit.

I would suggest consideration to Scotland.

Thank you everyone for you responses.

I won't say which city I live in, butI live in the Midlands and DH's family are from the north-west where we have spent a significant amount of time.

I apologise if my experiences have led me to sound prejudiced against the English. I know that not all here are against immigrants (obviously!) and I didn't mean to offend.

I am, however, writing off London. My feelings are not trivial and it was not simply a minor happenstance in my life. If I am uncomfortable in a particular city because of a past event in my life, then I have every right to say that I do not want to experience those feelings of anxiety again out of the worry that the event could recur.

Ha ha. Don't move to Scotland. I did and regretted it, it's more small-minded, parochial and racist than anywhere I've ever lived.