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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how not to care if people don’t like me?!

45 replies

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 18:40

I’m ready for harsh replies. I think...
My colleague is generally a bit haughty and we will never be friends. We do however have to work together - closely at times. She can be nice enough when left 1:1 and has to be. That’s fine - I don’t want to be her friend. The last week she has been actively ignoring me and quite rude and dismissive in her response to things I’ve had to talk to her about. It got a bit worse tonight when she disagreed about something I’d emailed which I willingly altered as she asked but she then stomped off. It’s really eating at my why she’s now being more rude and I’m really anxious about it.
I definitely have a pathetic need for people to like me, I recognise that. But it’s also very difficult to work with her when she so obviously dislikes me. It’s also quite rude!
How can I get over it and not feel anxious about it? I know a lot of you must have much thicker skins than I have so any tips appreciated!

OP posts:
FinallyFree123456789 · 07/02/2018 19:05

Hi Smile
I’ve been told I’m quite cold - I don’t think I am but hey! I don’t care what people think of me, Purley because they’re not important to me.
If she wants to be rude to you; I would either A) ignore her and do your own thing or B) be overly nice - to the point of being sickenly nice just to Confused her HA or C) treat her exactly as she treats you and maybe then she’ll change her attitude.
The more you think about it, the more anxious you’re going to be - which isn’t good for you. Some people are just more sensitive to others, which isn’t a bad thing - my mum is sensitive and I love her for it! Ha Flowers xx

Pengggwn · 07/02/2018 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parrotonmyshoulder · 07/02/2018 19:09

How old are you? I found hitting forty helped immeasurably!

I have recently found the book ‘Happy’ by Derren Brown really useful. It’s not a hypnosis book.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/02/2018 19:09

We all care what people think and we all want to be liked. Anyone who says different is lying to themselves.

ShiftyMcGifty · 07/02/2018 19:09

Maybe it’s not you but your performance? What did she ask you to fix? Might she feel like she needs to be correcting you because she will look bad too if she doesn’t and she resents it?

ShotsFired · 07/02/2018 19:14

@twolittleboysonetiredmum I understand how you feel, it's nice to be nice and nice to be liked!

One simple thing that has helped me with similar is acknowledging to myself that I don't like everyone; and so its normal that everyone won't like me, and that's ok!

Specifically at work, I had a similar situation with a fairly dragonlike colleague in a new job. Eventually I managed I take her out for lunch and that really broke the ice. Is something like that possible for you?

Good luck!

Trashboat · 07/02/2018 19:16

My mum is a complete people pleaser. I grew up the opposite.

I am kind to everyone but I am quite opinionated, very willing to listen to others also. But I am fully aware that some people must not like me. And that is their issue, not mine.

I don't like to gossip about people, but working in a large office, there is loads of gossip. I am not naive enough to think that I don't get gossiped about.

I actually think it is funny that people may take time out of their busy day, to talk about little old me.

I disagree with the pp who said everyone cares. I really don't.

After my nearest and dearest, it matters not a jot.

NSEA · 07/02/2018 19:17

I think you’re internalising it. Instead of thinking she doesn’t like me. Think what a bitch.

Runninglateeveryday · 07/02/2018 19:20

How old are you ? I used to care in my 20s now I don't give a crap , i find these people suddenly become friendly when you stop trying to please them, these are not the kind of people I want to be friends with.

Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 19:24

I’m 37 so should know better really. There’s part of me that wants to confront her but I also recognise that it could actually be more my perception of things than the reality.
I wish I could just dismiss it as her being rude but that’s the problem - it’s eatjng at me as I keep thinking there must be a reason. Especially as it’s escalated. It could also be her just having a bad day. I’ve tried being rude in response - passive aggressively obviously not directly. But I don’t like doing it as it’s not in my nature. Maybe I should be overly nice but then I feel like a knob!

OP posts:
aquashiv · 07/02/2018 19:31

You describe her as haughty and said you don't want to be her friend so just be professional. That's fine. Are you she's rude or do you play a faux nice act. With a bit of poor me thrown in. That can grate and people see right through it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/02/2018 19:36

OP have you ever felt this way before?

ZzzMarchhare · 07/02/2018 19:37

In this instance I would be professional but you need to stick up for yourself- 'why are you saying this when I did as you asked in this email here- please explain what you really wanted ' acting like this in the workplace is out of order and heading towards bullying.

In general people not liking me I find hard- I try and think they must have something going on and leave them to it- whenever this isn't the case and I have got to know them better I've realised they are usually dicks and did me a favour not being my friend!

Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 19:43

Dione - occasionally but it’s not a regular thing. I generally get on ok with people - I’m not one for making friends at work but form good relationships with most colleagues and keep it that way. It makes for a more enjoyable work experience! I teach and it’s a small team so it’s really obvious when there is friction. She’s very friendly with others - not everyone - people she has decided are her friends i guess. So maybe I find her treatment harsh comparatively too.
She is very haughty and princess like - its joked about how previous she can be. We level peg job wise and she’s very career driven so I’m wondering if I’ve done something that she wanted to do/claim. Can’t think what mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 19:44

I find people not liking me hard too which I’m embarrassed to admit as it sounds so sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 19:49

I would like to be one of those people described above who doesn’t over analyse every little thing said and done and think fuck it. Her problem.

OP posts:
UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 07/02/2018 19:52

Humans are social beings - we're (almost all) hardwired to care about what other people think of us. From an evo psych point of view, we had a much better chance of survival/passing on our genes if we cooperated in groups.

Normally I would say "you don't know what's going on in her life, for all you know her personal life is falling apart yadda yadda yadda" but if she's persistently being discourteous to you and not to others then she's bullying you. Sorry. Challenge specific incidents of rudeness/not doing her job properly. "Don't speak to me like that" is a useful phrase. You may find there is a very long pause after you say it, brace yourself.

You're teaching in a school? Some teachers behave like they never left.

It could be she's not pissed off at you for something you have done, but for something you might do, i.e. take a promotion she wants. Anyone senior planning on retiring?

lurkingnotlurking · 07/02/2018 19:56

NSEA I like your advice so much (I have the same issue) that I've cut and pasted it somewhere to remind myself of the idea. Thank you

MrsKoala · 07/02/2018 20:00

Loads of people (in fact the majority) i would say don't like me. I find it hard. But then i think, but i like me, and the people who are popular i find annoying and don't want to be like. So then it's a balance between changing yourself enough to be liked and still like yourself. Id rather like myself and be hated.

lurkingnotlurking · 07/02/2018 20:02

mrskoala the majority? That surely can't be true. Why wouldn't they like you?

Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 07/02/2018 20:03

Eek I’d have to be feeling brave to say that. But am actually currently so annoyed with her that I would. Maybe I will...
I don’t know if it could be called bullying, like I say she’s nice when we have to discuss things. To a point.
No no one due to retire. The jobs we are given are very role specific so it would be odd if another person were to be given it - if that makes sense? Unless she feels slighted by some recent crap task I’ve been given possibly? I’m in no way competitive or motivated so cannot understand her perspective on that

OP posts:
UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 07/02/2018 20:05

You can say it quietly and while smiling. That confuses people.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/02/2018 20:10

Can you remember the first time you felt that way OP?

YetAnotherNC2017 · 07/02/2018 20:13

Age did it for me.

Ten years ago I’d have cared deeply. These days I have neither the time, capacity or inclination to give a fuck!

ems137 · 07/02/2018 20:17

I don't think I've ever massively cared if people like me or not. I'd be lying if I said I don't care even a little bit, but on the whole I don't let it bother me.

I try my best, I speak to everyone, I am polite, helpful and try and remember little facts people tell me. If they then decide to not like me I just think 🤷🏼‍♀️ oh well.

When someone makes it obvious they dislike me I just treat them the same. I don't give them any reaction, I just carry on as normal, saying hello etc