To wonder how not to care if people don’t like me?!

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

I’m ready for harsh replies. I think...
My colleague is generally a bit haughty and we will never be friends. We do however have to work together - closely at times. She can be nice enough when left 1:1 and has to be. That’s fine - I don’t want to be her friend. The last week she has been actively ignoring me and quite rude and dismissive in her response to things I’ve had to talk to her about. It got a bit worse tonight when she disagreed about something I’d emailed which I willingly altered as she asked but she then stomped off. It’s really eating at my why she’s now being more rude and I’m really anxious about it.
I definitely have a pathetic need for people to like me, I recognise that. But it’s also very difficult to work with her when she so obviously dislikes me. It’s also quite rude!
How can I get over it and not feel anxious about it? I know a lot of you must have much thicker skins than I have so any tips appreciated!

Lurking - i don't know really. I must just be horrible! It's something which has carried thru school, college, uni and work. So i know it's me.

It's hard OP. I used to temp a lot and i remember all my colleagues beings horrible to me and i was really trying by bringing in cakes, making extra teas etc. Nothing worked. They just seemed to hate me on sight. I ended up stopping trying so hard and ignoring them. It didn't make any difference, but at least i wasn't putting myself out there to be hurt any more.

Erm Dione not really - I can psycho analyse myself to death. Split family, neglectful Mum who drank too much, craving affection and reassurance elsewhere, never feel good enough etc etc
Colleague is a proper queen bee type and whilst at school I was all rebellious and against them - troubled childhood again, for some reason they affect me more now and make me feel off kilter.

I keep trying to think of ways I can make her engage with me tomorrow - as I feel bad. I feel bad as she’s being rude to me. And that maybe she’s upset over what I sent today too.

1. Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F&*K by Mark Manson.

1. You say you have a need for people to like you. OK. PRIORITISE the 10 most important people in your life (I am betting your colleague is not one of them and its all friends and family). Focus on whether these 10 people like you. Accept not everyone will like you and focus on the more important people in your life.

I read somewhere that in life, a third of people you meet will like/love you, a third will dislike you and a third won’t feel strongly either way. Don’t stress over what you can’t change – be nice when you can be, and know for yourself that you’ve been a good person. The rest is out of your control!

You can’t control how others act, you can only control how you react

It may be absolutely nothing to do with you and she’s havinng a bad day or whatever

Or, it may indeed be a bad dynamic between you both. In which case you need to try to regain some power - all relationships are based on weak / strong power dynamic. So I’d be a bit cool and breezy with her to be honest

Look, this is all about her And her problem, you need to get your head round that Do not try to overly engage her or suck up to her, it willl just bring the bully out in her. So do your job, interact where appropriate , be polite and professional and that's it. Please, for the love of god, don't go getting all needy with her.

I'm not sure about the hard wiring stuff on us caring, I don't give a shit unless it's someone I love, care about or like. Even then my reaction is normally "what's your problem". People tend not to be rude twice. For the simple reason they know they will get called on it and it will take them awhile to come back from.

Generally I find when I witness something like your incident, the more you let them away with it, the more they want to treat you like shit. It's simple bullying behaviour.

The only thing you can control is your responses. Simply do as above. Polite, proffesional,engage only as appropriate, get on with your job.

Thanks for the advice. Cool and breezy it is! I hope.
Problem is she’s going to be responsible for my performance management next term and that makes me nervous!

It's not about psychoanalysing yourself to death OP. It's more about working out if you are reacting to your colleague, or something that she reminds you of as you said that you weren't sure if it was you or she really is that unpleasant.

Which do you think it is?

If you act professional, Calm, polite, and do your job well you don’t need to worry.

Honestly don’t give it any head space. Focus on what’s important in your life x

I don't think it's about you wanting people to like you. You want to work with colleagues who are respectful and polite - nothing wrong with that. Most of us prefer to go through life without conflict if we can help it.

She might be the kind of person who likes a bit of conflict and drama. Or maybe she hates her job. Maybe she's about to go through a divorce and is stressed. Maybe she's just a bitch. I find reframing things to remind myself that 90% of the time it's not about me is very helpful.

But it does make for a stressful work environment so I can sympathize with that. Don't overinvest energy in figuring out this woman's silly moods and nonsense. Just focus on your job and be professional and she'll get bored of being sulky eventually, I'm sure.

I'm sorry to say this but here goes anyway.

Some people are just cunts.

They enjoy being cunty.

Nothing you say or do will ever stop their cuntishness.

They are not worth bothering with.

She is obviously one of them.

So, ask yourself.

Why should I give a shiny shit if a cunt likes me or not.

I used to be like you, not anymore. The soul searching just isn't worth it.

I subconsiously go a bit cool (maybe rude even) if people act needy or "weak" (trying to please) or trying to ingratiate themselves with me, or if they act passive aggressive (the tinkly laugh thing)

Not a nice trait, I know, but I am working on it.

I generally can live with people not liking me (though it is lovely to have a "click" with someone) , I don't like everyone and I am sure plenty of people don't like me.

For some reason people-pleasers make me feel tense, and grumpy

At work if I don't like someone, I still deal with them in a professional manner and hope they don't realise I loathe them. I share an office with an individual I consider to be a complete twat, but I hope they are unaware of my feelings.

I genuinely don't care if people don't like me. I'm respectful of others (because I would care if I had hurt someone) but if someone thinks I'm boring or stupid etc then it doesn't matter at all to me.

We don't all like the same things in life, do we? I love chinese food, DH hates it - doesn't make Chinese food worth any less just because he doesn't like it. It's the same with people, that's all.

OP, start by pretending you don't care. Remain cool and professional, that is all that is needed

I took all your advice and played it cool. She hasn’t replied to an email I sent her yesterday about something and normally I’d chase her for an answer. But couldn’t be arsed. She ignored me in the staff room despite me being involved in the same conversation which made me feel bad. But then I thought well fuck you. I did start developing paranoid thoughts as she was really chatty with someone im actual friends with and I wondered if she was bitching. Then I got all paranoid about her bitching to everyone about me. Then I decided I couldn’t do much about it anyway. So all in all, a better response than I’d have originally managed! I still feel rubbish and anxious but at least I didn’t play up to her

Sorry you feel that way, but sounds like you are handling it well

Some people are bullies and actively look for victims. Being nice plays into their hands as they can then victimise you, and turn you into a victim.

If you have to work to make someone like you, they're not someone you want to waste one more second of your precious life on.

It's shit this person is going to performance manage you. My advice is document everything and lay down protection in advance so there's not even the slightest little loophole for her to stick a knife into.

A couple of years ago my New Years resolution was to try to give more of a fuck but I failed completely. Sometimes I want to cry or feel I should but am weirdly emotionally cold. No idea how or why and it's a Bit crap really.