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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh being unrealistic?

112 replies

Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 16:51

I'm currently very heavily pregnant with my 5th child. Baby looking to be another big one ie 9 pounds plus. Dh said to me yesterday that we should think about number 6 in the summer. I've always wanted a big family but has expecting me to think about another pregnancy when this one will still be tiny?

OP posts:
PurpleRobe · 07/02/2018 21:39

Oh gosh

You do already have a big family

Please enjoy the kids you've already got /are about to have

Why does the huge quantity matter so much?!

Please consider the environment with your breeding decisions

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2018 21:49

"Please consider the environment with your breeding decisions"

Animals breed, people don't.

PoorYorick · 07/02/2018 21:54

He wants the kids close together he had a much older brother and hates the gap but that's not my problem

God, and here was me thinking two years was close together.

Does he understand - really, properly understand - that it's your body and your decision? That your body is already damaged by this many births? Does he really properly appreciate that it's your body and not his baby incubator? That the ultimate decision is yours and that's exactly as it should be?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/02/2018 21:58

I'd worry about it being a form of control.

Doesn't he want to dedicate some time to his existing children and the new one before having more? It's like they are just a number not individuals to him and I'd certainly not be having any more with him.

I'd also worry that the older ones will become default babysitters and that none of them will get enough one to one attention.

There's also the issue of if the relationship goes wrong, the odd part time contract isn't going to be anywhere near enough to cover the expenses.

PoorYorick · 07/02/2018 22:01

I didn't like to say it because OP says she always wanted a big family, but keeping a woman constantly pregnant with small children is a common control tactic. The fact that he doesn't seem to take her seriously when she says she doesn't want to start trying again when the fifth one is just a few weeks old worries me a bit.

Hence asking if he really does truly accept, appreciate and understand that this is HER BODY and how it's already been changed.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 07/02/2018 22:25

"Well see" to which the answer should be no, I'LL see actually... grrrr, and I think some of the people commenting to criticize having a bigger family are missing the point actually. I know people who grew up in big family's and had a lovely childhood, and some who were only children and also had a lovely childhood. The main thing is it should, at least these days, be up to both parents especially the one who has to carry them for nine months, give birth and then do the bulk of childcare

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 22:25

He definitely knows the children are individuals and treats them as such. He does make stupid comments as he's male but this takes the biscuit. I don't breed either

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 07/02/2018 22:33

He does make stupid comments as he's male but this takes the biscuit.

Well it has obviously really upset you (understandably) and you don't sound as though you offend easily so I think you need to talk to him about this.

Does he know about what's happened to your body? Does he really appreciate what you've sacrificed to have all these kids? Would he have done the same?

XmasInTintagel · 07/02/2018 22:42

To be fair, he only made a remark, which the OP is free to say 'not likely!' to, or 'I would find that too soon I think', or even 'why do you say that?'.
He didn't say she must bow to his will, just offered his view.

If a woman said to a bloke 'maybe we should redo the bathroom this summer', meaning he does it DIY, and he didn't want to, I doubt everyone would say she had been unreasonable, they'd say he just answer her, and tell her he didn't want to, if he didn't want to.
Appreciate its not exactly the same, but unless the OPs DH is generally a bully, they just have different opinions and need to talk.

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 22:51

I do remind him what 4 big baby's have done to me yes

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 07/02/2018 23:13

We’ll see

If my DH had that attitude I would tell him there would be no sex unless he changes his attitude and learns to have some respect for me.

GnotherGnu · 07/02/2018 23:43

he laughed and said we'll see!

Tell him we will not see anything unless he's found a way of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term.

RowenasDiadem · 07/02/2018 23:50

Bloody hell! Is he going to have the next one then?!

MrsDilber · 08/02/2018 03:16

I'm close to a family of 7. In hindsight, those kids needed more one on one time that was just not possible. I'd tell him to think about the kids he has and their welfare first.

Yeah, it would piss me off if my DH had said that too, but we'd have had a conversation about it, there and then.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/02/2018 03:30

Its your body OP and he is being completely U. Have this baby before even thinking about another one.

Mary1935 · 08/02/2018 07:41

Yes it's your body - and it takes time to recover from each birth. You need to think what's best for you. I know he works full time but does he help out at all at the weekend? By the way plenty of men working full time do a bit in the week. Does he do anything?
You could ignore his comment or challenge him and say you get to decide when you want another one.

Cambionome · 08/02/2018 07:55

Just say no!!

(Not all men make stupid comments, BTW, and you don't have to accept him doing so).

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 08/02/2018 08:00

YANBU, he is U.

Someone with a medical background may be able to fill in the gaps in my memory. I was told by my obstetrician that it was best to space out births by 18 months to allow the woman's body to restore itself.

This was for optimum maternal and next baby health. It was about building up minerals, allowing bits to get back in place etc. but I cannot remember the actual medical narrative, but there was one.

TheMaddHugger · 08/02/2018 08:08

Yeahhh Righttt !!

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 08:16

I do remind him what 4 big baby's have done to me yes

How does he respond?

PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 08:17

I was told by my obstetrician that it was best to space out births by 18 months to allow the woman's body to restore itself.

I was told 18 months to two years.

diddl · 08/02/2018 08:51

Think I remember being told that your body takes a year to recover, so best not to ttc before then.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 09:04

Have a hard think about him saying 'We'll see'. That could be interpreted as him telling you that he will continually nag and pester you until you obey - or it could mean that he will simply shove his dick into you until you are pregnant again, no matter what you say.

This is about control. He does want you constantly pregnant, because he sees you as something he can get babies from. And 'supportive'? I expect you mean he takes the kids to the park or does a lot of performance fathering, because men like this want a lot of children to demonstrate 'LOOK AT THE WORK OF MY MIGHTY PENIS' - but they are not interested in doing any of the actual work that having a lot of children involves.

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 08/02/2018 09:22

He just tells me not to be paranoid when I tell him 4 kids have taken a toll Hmm he doesn't do much after work on weekdays as he does 13 hour shifts but helps on the weekend

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 08/02/2018 09:25

I'm sorry, OK, but he sounds....unpleasant. Ungrateful, dismissive and completely unappreciative. Have you asked him if he would be paranoid about crapping a watermelon? Sorry to be crude but it's the only sort of comparison he could understand.

It's actually quite awful for a man to accuse a mother of four to be paranoid about yet more births.