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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh being unrealistic?

112 replies

Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 16:51

I'm currently very heavily pregnant with my 5th child. Baby looking to be another big one ie 9 pounds plus. Dh said to me yesterday that we should think about number 6 in the summer. I've always wanted a big family but has expecting me to think about another pregnancy when this one will still be tiny?

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 07/02/2018 17:40

Since it's your body, and you don't know how you'll feel after giving birth to this baby, I think he should back off. Tell him that you'll let him know when you're ready, until then can he please not mention it.

It's really not fair to put that sort of pressure on you.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 17:40

Well it sounds like the very easy answer to that question is 'no, we shouldn't think about baby no 6 in the summer'.

Five already and one tiny one? I honestly think that even if you were dying for more, you really are at the limit of what you can give, attention-wise, to a newborn/toddler, surely? It's going to be pretty hard work making sure that you give this one that vital one-on-one attachment time as it is, with four others to nurture. So I'd stick my neck out and say that intending to have another one quickly is actually really shitty parenting and would certainly have a negative effect on the new baby if not the others too.

If you would like another, and he knows you do, then the answer is 'definitely not in the summer, I would actually like a bit of time to nurture baby 5, thanks. Maybe a year after that we would think about it.'

If you don't want another baby or have never discussed no6, then I think you should look hard at your DH and his attitude towards you and the family and work out whether he is a good or nice person at all. Sounds like he either sees you as a baby factory for his giant brood and doesn't see you as a person (and the one deciding pregnancies, thanks!) at all. Or as said upthread he's a controller and likes you barefoot and pregnant. Does he fully contribute to childcare and parenting now? Is he as 'tied' to your large family or is it the case that you spend every evening run ragged while he has the option for a pint after work and sports on the weekend?

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 17:43

Then you need to punish the attitude with a sharp tap on the nose.

'No 6? Err no, I'm certainly not thinking about that now. Don't be silly. I've no idea whether I will feel like another pregnancy after this one - I'll just have to wait and see.'

YOU will be deciding whether you are up for another pregnancy. It's after YOU have made that decision that the joint discussions come in on whether you will both commit to another baby.

Sounds like he needs a few more childcare duties. What happens at weekends? Do you get proper time away while he takes over? You should be...

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 17:46

The older 2 aren't his but call him dad. He's works alot but that's so I can be at home. That's the decision we took after baby number 4. I do tend to do most of the childcare,housework etc but has supportive

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 17:47

Oh and you very much do already have a big family!

You're at the stage with your oldest too that they start moving from being another child of the family and into 'interim' status - the third parenting wheel, the extra babysitter.

Be really really careful of that. One of my best friends is the eldest in a large family and she resents her late childhood hugely. Not only did her parents have very little time to spend with her through key stages like exams (always busy with babies and toddlers still), they also relied on her to help out more and more into her teens, unfairly so. But they had to! She was one of six - they just had too many for two people to cover when it came to activities etc. It certainly wasn't a great experience growing up for her or the second in age sibling.

PositivelyPERF · 07/02/2018 17:49

Why did you get pregnant, OP? Was it something you both wanted or was it him pushing for it?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 17:51

I think for now just concentrate on you and this pregnancy. Any time he mentions number 6 just say "Lets see how we go" and keep repeating that. Enjoy your new baby, don't let him distract you from that.

9lb 4oz is big but not huge, how do you find pregnancy and birth? It must be tough with 4 other children to care for.

I'm trying to be impartial, but him talking about baby number 6 when you're heavily pregnant with his child feels as though he doesn't respect you?

mindutopia · 07/02/2018 17:53

It's only unreasonable if you don't want it, though I think it's a bit jumping the gun. Granted you have 4 already, but my first was nearly 4 before either of us were keen to be trying for a 2nd (and last!).

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 17:56

Yep. Whichever way you slice it, he sees all this as his deal. You're a thing that provides his babies for his plan of having his big family. Otherwsie - he just wouldn't have said that, it wouldn't have been part of his thought process - he wouldn't have even assumed that he would just start deciding something like that before this baby has even arrived, or even when it had. Quite a revealing comment.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 17:56

Really great post by @FizzyGreenWater

I was the second eldest of 4 and pretty much brought up my two younger brothers as my parents were working all the time and my older sister went away to uni...something I didn't get to do as 1) they needed me for childcare and 2) they couldn't afford to send me too. I love my brothers, I'm 30 and they're 21 and 18 now but I did really resent giving up every weekend to care for them. I think what upsets me most is that it was just expected of me. My parents never actually asked me to look after them, they just assumed I would. Be very careful not to burden your older children with caring for their siblings.

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 17:56

Firstly my eldest does not babysit and is not left with the other kids or any responsibilities put on him. I'm the parent he is not. I find pregnancy and labour manageable my biggest baby was 10lb 6oz so the damage to my body is done really. This baby was planned by both of us yes

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 07/02/2018 17:57

Surely it's not up to him. Most people wait till after one child is born before planning the next I imagine. I think it's best for you to tell him that you don't even want to think about it until baby is here and settled especially as it's you doing most of the childcare.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 17:58

There have been posts on this kind of thing before.

Quite a good way to see just how his mind works on this is to say no, I'm done - I doubt I'll want another.

A good man who respects you would say - well, it has to be your decision, both have to agree, so that's that!

A less good man with the controlling nature that's been alluded to would start manipulating, pressurising, browbeating, trying to get you to accede to his wishes.

Be interesting to see his reaction.

TheNavigator · 07/02/2018 17:58

Well if is has ticked you off, perhaps it is time to stop? How many kids will be enough for you? Maybe time to start planning for a life beyond pregnancy & babies & give your body a break.

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2018 18:00

This seems quite straightforward. You are generally happy but pissed off with this one comment based on your updates. So you reply I very much doubt it and after we have had number 5 and are again having sex which may or may not be before Christmas you may ask me what my thoughts on number 6 are. You may not assume anything about timing or whether number 6 happens at all unless you are also volunteering to be pregnant.

Only1scoop · 07/02/2018 18:01

Bloody hell you must be loaded.

Mrsmadevans · 07/02/2018 18:03

Well he is right isn't he....... you will have to think about another baby in the Summer because presumably you are in your early to mid 30's and getting on a bit to be able to have a big family. I mean 4 isn't that many really , I suppose it depends how many you both want but l think he may have a point tbh ....

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 18:04

I didn't say that you were putting childcare on to your eldest, I was just echoing what fizzy said and to be careful that that doesn't happen. I think as you add to your family it could be a slippery slope as in you ask him to give baby a bottle or feed the toddler which doesn't seem like a big deal and he may even enjoy it but it could build up and end up with him doing more for his siblings than he would like.

Also take into account that you are leaving less and less time and attention for your older children with every new baby you have.

diddl · 07/02/2018 18:04

Just tell him that it's too soon??

Have you discussed what a "big family" is?

Is he completely off the mark thinking that if all goes well you'd be wanting no6?

Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 18:04

I may want another but certainly not up for getting pregnant in summer. I told him this and he laughed and said we'll see! To say I'm not impressed is an understatement

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybeesbutt · 07/02/2018 18:05

I'm 33 Mrs Evans

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 07/02/2018 18:08

I would feel quite uncomfortable discussing a future baby, regardless of whether I thought I wanted one or not, before the one I was was carrying had actually been born.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 18:09

Oh my friend's parents are convinced that she is totally unreasonable to think like that. Apparently she was never given responsibility, they were always around and totally engaged with all the kids all the time Hmm

They probably were to an extent. But it's interesting to see how much her perspective differs on what it was actually like growing up in a big family. The crux was that she just didn't get much from them - it's inevitable, if you've got a 14 year old asking for help with homework while you also have a four year old crying, a two year old needing feeding and a six year old needing taken to Brownies or whatever, the sad fact is that you can say to the 14 year old 'maybe later'. You don't have to be officially giving them lots of jobs etc - it's more the subconscious 'well X is ok, they're big enough to manage'.

She is one of the reasons I did not want a big family.

Five sounds like a fine number, and the fact that your eldest is already 12 would be one major massive huuuuuge reason for me to say 'no, this baby being the last one would undoubedly give me more time to give more to the others, especially perhaps the teenagers - they need you more, not less, as they grow.'

LemonShark · 07/02/2018 18:10

Remember OP you only have so much time and attention. For every extra child you have that's less attention, time and support for the existing children. I think it'd be very unfair to keep having more children as soon as a year or two has passed Hmm

Also you should consider if things in the relationship go tits up can you sustain caring for that number of children of those ages alone. If your husband left and refused to pay for them until he was made to. Could you honestly provide for them all emotionally and practically? It pays to be sensible.

GreenSeededGrape · 07/02/2018 18:10

Why is asking if the OP can afford all these intended dc deserving of being called a cunt, surely it's a fair comment as most people couldn't afford that and lots with less have to rely on the State Confused

Why is it you want a big family OP? And no the damage might not be done but age and other factors can make it worse.