Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my spare room back

122 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/02/2018 12:19

DH and I have been together for years and he plays music. He has a huge piece of music equipment that has dictated us having an extra toom wherever we rented or bought even though he went through large peiods of not using it.

We bought a house 2yrs ago and it has sat in the corner of the spare room untouched for these 2 yrs, rendering the spare room useless for anything else.

I have asked him on numerous occasions to set it up or put it in the attic, I have even tidied the room so it's easy to set up but all to no avail.

We have quite a lot of visitors so I would love to put a bed there or put my clothes horse in there as it clogs up my kitchen.

We are planning to get our kitchen done up in the next few months. Aibu to ask him to get rid of it so I can put my clothes horse in there or use it for something else. It's doing my head in Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 15:13

Thanks Raven yes I have been enabling him and can't believe I've been letting him and stupid equipment dominate a full room for 2 years. Amongst all the other things it just sounds so stupid now

OP posts:
RavenLG · 08/02/2018 15:48

I didn't mean for that to sound harsh, but he needs a kick up the arse. It's hard when you love someone to overlook how they treat you, but he sounds like a little boy who can't have a civilised discussion with you without throwing a strop. He needs to grow up!
Show him this thread lol, maybe strangers calling out his shit online will be a wake up call!

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 17:22

You weren't harsh at all Raven. I appreciate honesty. I don't love him so don't know why I overlook these things

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/02/2018 17:38

He sounds like a bad tempered teenage boy who can't give up his dream of playing the drums at Wembley but can't be arsed to actually play them, either.

Time to make some decisions, OP.

The stupid thing is that if he played the bloody things he might find it improved his mood!

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 17:47

I know Mybrilliant I don't understand why he doesn't play them. Instead he plays the drumsticks on his legs in the kitchen. It makes no sense

OP posts:
Backenette · 08/02/2018 17:50

I’d be getting rid of more than the drums

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/02/2018 17:58

I'd find another use for those drumsticks Grin

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 18:04

Mybrilliant I'd love to shove them where the sun don't shine Angry

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 08/02/2018 18:25

I think if you bought the house with the intention that the room would be used for his drum kit, it's not unreasonable for it to be in there. However, it sounds like the problem is not so much use of space - the kind of things you've mentioned surely don't have to be in the small box room.

The problem sounds to me like the lack of reasonable communication between the two of you. And that really needs to be sorted out.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 18:35

Yes it was allocated that space Bridget but we have quite a lot of guests and they have to sleep elsewhere, disrupting the whole house while that monstrosity sits there unused and dominates a whole room

OP posts:
robertaplumkin · 08/02/2018 19:42

people men hanging onto hobbies though Hmm DH has a great mountain of kite surfing gear. hasn't gone for years and never makes any attempt to. does like to wistfully look outside and declare it a great day for kitesurfing though Hmm fortunately this mountain is at least stored in the garage roof or i might have set fire to it by now.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 08/02/2018 19:45

he sounds like an awful wanker.
i'd give him such a kick up the hole. he wouldn't shit straight for a year.

lurkingnotlurking · 08/02/2018 19:50

He really does sound like a twat. If it weren't for the anger issues, I'd suggest you find some way to break it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/02/2018 21:53

I know you've said you're doing up the kitchen for the value it adds to the house. But have you checked to be sure you wouldn't be better off just cutting your losses and selling now? You don't want to throw good money after bad (i.e. no future to your relationship).

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/02/2018 22:15

Across I definitely think it would be worth doing up as I think it could make more money in the longer term (I've refreshed property before and made a good return). I'm not in the position to leave just quite yet as I am job hunting so may as well put the dead time into use.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 08/02/2018 23:01

He rules your family’s housing arrangements by housing stuff that he never uses in a useable spare room.
He gets angry /‘loses the plot’ if you suggest moving it, or using the space for something else in your family home.
The fate of his drum kit has controlled every ‘move’ you have ever made.
In fact his concern for his drum kit trumps any concern he has for you or the dcs.
What this situation says is that he doesn’t believe you should, ultimately, have any say in how your space is prioritised. You are an equal partner in the marriage and in the house...but he doesn’t believe that for one minute. His needs are prime. Can you imagine a scenario where you had a massive knitting machine, for example, that you had fond dreams of using but you never will because you have young children. Would you insist that this piece of equipment was far more important in that space than anything else? Of Course not. You would see that it is, for all intents and purposes, a piece of junk that you have no use for and that it would be unreasonable for you to insist that it was treated like a priceless relic.

This dust-laden kit, is symbolic have of the power balance in This marriage. No wonder you’re fed up. He is an arse. He thinks he should be in charge. He doesn’t consider your needs. The threat is always there that he will be angry and shut you up. His anger sets the course of your relationship.

You talk after your OP about him going to anger management etc. This is the real issue. He’s got form. I suggest he doesn’t have anger issues, he has control and dominance issues...and he feels he has a right to control you. Not good.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2018 00:30

Sounds like you know what you're doing then, NK

RiotAndAlarum · 09/02/2018 06:50

I hope you're ok. Given what you've said aboit his anger and your actually-rather-advanced plans to leave him, please consider logging out of Mumsnet and wiping your cookies, then only viewing it in private/secret mode. I hate to think of you being forced to make a move or decision before you get a job and with the kitchen un-done so you're financially vulnerable in every way.

You're not unreasonable about any of this, but being too open about that sounds like a mistake. 😕

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/02/2018 15:36

Well the update is he is point blank refusing to remove the drums. I told him he's had 2 years of them lying unused in the room and I want to put a spare bed in there for guests. No budging

OP posts:
MichaelBendfaster · 09/02/2018 15:46

Move them yourself then. Or stop moaning about it. Sorry to be harsh, but please, assert yourself!

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/02/2018 15:47

So my reply depends on his temperament - i would simply move them myself into the loft or garage.

However if he’s someone that you’re too scared of to do this, then I would leave him. And his stupid drums.

Snowydaysarehere · 09/02/2018 15:51

Can you put a shed outside and bin him and the drums to it?

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/02/2018 15:53

Easier said than done Michael I think he would get aggressive. Id have no problem removing them but they are genuinely soldered together in a way I can't take apart. I think they'd have been long gone if I could remove them

OP posts:
SeraphinaDombegh · 09/02/2018 15:54

Agree with PPs - just move them up to the attic yourself.

Original poster
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/02/2018 15:58

As mentioned Seraphina they can't be taken apart and are too heavy to lift. Although I feel like getting a hammer to them now

OP posts: