AIBU to say no to a sibling attending birthday party?

[sleepietortoise]

So it's my daughter's 5th birthday party soon and we've decided to have the party at home. We invited a handful of classmates and were v strict with her about how many she could invite as the party is at home so don't have the room for the whole class. The mum of one of the girls she invited has asked if her older brother can come too - because 'otherwise he'll cry and be jealous' that she's going to something he isn't. Had she said she had a childcare problem I'd have been happier BUT she did this last year (where it wasn't a problem as the party was in a hall and my daughter hadn't had to choose who to invite) and she has 2 other children who obviously are being looked after that day so it's not a question of that. She was v upfront that it's just because she thinks he'll feel left out. He barely knows my daughter and doesn't know anyone else being invited. And there are genuinely other friends she would have invited that we've said no to (and I won't have enough party bags etc!). AIBU to say he can't come? She's a bit pushy and I was kind of put on the spot when she asked and I sort of said it would probably be ok but it was v clear I wasn't v happy about it.

In my head I'd make a party bag for the little girl and give it to her because her awful mother has made her miss out, but probably best not to do that in reality.

I'm thinking of the little girl Bit, not the mother. It seems a bit of a "who'll blink first?" moment.

Well done! problem solved. Sorry for the little girl, but the mother is totally unreasonable

What a weirdo. Wonder if it cuts the other way i.e. If dd not invited the son can't go either? Does she realise nobody else does this and the invites will dry up entirely? Cringing for her.

I know I feel sorry for her daughter too. Really unfair for her that she misses out. And such a bad message to send to both her kids - her daughter has to have her brother tag along to everything or doesn't get to go to stuff and her son gets to never be disappointed or let his sister have fun without him. When she initially said that if son can't come then she (as in mother0 wouldn't be able to make it, I said 'that's fine, so you'll just be dropping DD off then?' and couldn't quite believe it when she said no DD wouldn't be coming either if DS couldn't come because it was just too hard if they weren't both invited. She's a bit of a know-it-all too and she started with the 'when you have two ...' as though I don't also have two children and I don't just make other arrangements for my DS when my DD is invited to things that he's not. He's 2, he copes. I'm sure her 7-yr-old can cope just as well. Especially as he has another 2 older siblings who he could play with while his little sister is at a party for 2 hours! Hope she doesn't turn round and say she's coming after all now - I'll just have to say the place has been offered to someone else now so tough.

Just say no.

Maybe make a party bag to give her at school if she misses out? Poor kid.

Say no! Her son needs to man up a bit by the sound of it!

No, don't give him a party bag at school! He wasn't invited, just like all the siblings of the actual invitees; he shouldn't get a reward for stamping his feet.

Arf at the "when you have two" nonsense. Even if they were twins this wouldn't wash. She's a selfish loon.

Quite right OP. Well done for standing up to her.

Say no. If it was her twin I could understand the 'other twin' might be miffed as they would be in the same school year and possibly have the same friends.

A lot of people used to think they had to invite mine as a double act.

Good response! I'd make a party bag for the wee girl and send it in with your DD. The mother is a CF.

Well done OP - it is a shame that the friend misses out but much better that than your dd having a party spoilt by an entitled older boy that she doesn't know! Particularly when there aren't enough spaces for her to invite all her friends in the first place - slightly different if you have a village hall with lots of space but even so - I've found that having an older child can often completely change the dynamics of a party, particularly if they are demanding or use their age/size advantage to win everything!

(ds1 came along to one of ds2's parties when they were younger - he's 3 years older and good with younger dc, was trying to be really nice, and even so - some of the dc knew him from a football camp, it came to the freetime session and for the last half of the party lots of the dc there wanted to play footie against him rather than play with dc2 - who hates footie, they were there for a gym party. He did his best but even so, he's still young. I've seen much worse happen when the older children in the party were not so nice and determined to take advantage of the situation!)

And it sounds like you're like me - not very good with tricky situations and thinking on the spot. I've found the phrase 'I just want to check we're not/we weren't talking at cross purposes about Jimmy's brother coming to the party...' because you can then go on to reiterate your point (in this case '... because it's not possible for him to come, there isn't enough space for all dd's friend's as it is so no siblings are invited') as a way of getting your point of view across without it seeming like you are taking something back or having to argue with somebody about exactly what you were saying...

Even when you know you're in the right it's an easy way to take the blame off either side and clarify the position you want!

I would let her DD come if the mum agreed that her DS can't come. The mum might relent if she sees her DD is upset.

Oh God I am usually firmly in "the more the merrier" camp but YANBU!

If you give the DD a party bag at school make sure it's all personalised for her or stuff he wouldn't want otherwise you know the DM will decide to "share" it with him getting most as he's so upset.