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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to a sibling attending birthday party?

117 replies

sleepietortoise · 07/02/2018 09:53

So it's my daughter's 5th birthday party soon and we've decided to have the party at home. We invited a handful of classmates and were v strict with her about how many she could invite as the party is at home so don't have the room for the whole class. The mum of one of the girls she invited has asked if her older brother can come too - because 'otherwise he'll cry and be jealous' that she's going to something he isn't. Had she said she had a childcare problem I'd have been happier BUT she did this last year (where it wasn't a problem as the party was in a hall and my daughter hadn't had to choose who to invite) and she has 2 other children who obviously are being looked after that day so it's not a question of that. She was v upfront that it's just because she thinks he'll feel left out. He barely knows my daughter and doesn't know anyone else being invited. And there are genuinely other friends she would have invited that we've said no to (and I won't have enough party bags etc!). AIBU to say he can't come? She's a bit pushy and I was kind of put on the spot when she asked and I sort of said it would probably be ok but it was v clear I wasn't v happy about it.

OP posts:

borderline11 · 07/02/2018 10:16

What a nuisance of a woman. There's always one isn't there. Just give her a straight NO op.

SweetMoon · 07/02/2018 10:17

Ring her up and say actually, its not going to be ok, we just dont have the room and dd wasnt able to invite some friends so wouldnt be fair if he came. Maybe next time. And hang up.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/02/2018 10:18

Well no yanbu but since you've said it will probably be ok you need to act on this now! Text her "Sorry you caught me off guard this morning, Ben won't be able to come to the party, we've been strict with numbers, I am not saying no to friends but yes to siblings"

PattiStanger · 07/02/2018 10:19

If you've already said he can come you're going to have to put your big girl pants on and go back to her and say you've thought about it further and that the party is only for your DD and her friends and you totally understand if her DD is no longer able to come.

Ali4u · 07/02/2018 10:19

Say no, cheeky of her to ask, its very liberating saying "no" try it :)

Pearlsaringer · 07/02/2018 10:21

^this

Loonoon · 07/02/2018 10:21

For once it's unanimous. Absolutely not, no. Tell the Mum it will be a shame if his little sister has to miss out on the party because of this and to let you know by tomorrow so you have time to add another friend if she isn't coming. Cheeky mare.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/02/2018 10:21

On the all girls party thing... I remember one mum bringing her three year old ds to a 6 year old all girls party (unannounced and uninvited) and bitching loudly that the host "hadn't bothered to do anything for the boys". There was only one boy. Hers.
If it had been my party I'd have shown her the door.
There are no limits to some people's cheek.

Original poster

sleepietortoise · 07/02/2018 10:22

phew! Glad it's not just me then! I didn't see her on the school run this morning so I've sent her a message. sent it by whats app so I know she's read it. No response so far. I just wish I'd been prepared before she cornered me. Then I wouldn't have this socially awkward bit having to take it back - even though logically I know it's her who should feel awkward as it's a cheek to ask! It is also a party where they can either drop off or stay so really no excuses as if she has a childcare issue (which I know she doesn't anyway) then she can just drop and collect.

OP posts:

cingolimama · 07/02/2018 10:23

OP, I mean this in a nice way, but you are putting your spinelessness and not-liking-confrontation or whatever in front of your daughter's needs. As pp said, put on your big girl pants and say NO. Do it for your DD.

I know you were caught off guard by a monumentally CF, but you CAN fix this. Good luck, OP.

cingolimama · 07/02/2018 10:25

Sorry, cross post. Well done for sending message. Were you absolutely unequivocal? No room for interpretation?

mindutopia · 07/02/2018 10:25

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in saying no. It's very cheeky to ask, frankly, unless it's a childcare issue (and then obviously still fine to say no). I do invite siblings that my dd knows at least a little, but not randoms (when we've had it in a hall). But at home, with the exception of younger ones (babies/small toddlers), no definitely not. I'd make exceptions in special circumstances, but I don't think feeling left out would be one of those. More than likely he's a handful and whoever is doing her childcare doesn't want all of them. I can't imagine an older brother genuinely being jealous of not going to a little kid's party.

AnneOfCleavage · 07/02/2018 10:26

That is very refreshing to hear Sandyball2015 as my friend has twins, who are in different classes, and she asks if the other twin can come if both aren't invited and seems put out they both aren't invited in the first place. So annoying as same parent wants twins to get separate presents / cards as two identities but doesn't bring two presents for party child.
Def don't get railroaded into saying yes to big brother OP as it will totally change dynamics and little sister may want to have time without brother. Bet she doesn't get to go to big brother friends parties. So unreasonable of the mother.
Backtrack OP and say you've given it some thought and it'll not work as all 5 yrs old or all girls or just don't give a reason as no is a complete answer in this case.

KC225 · 07/02/2018 10:26

No, that is not on. She is out of order. What you have stated in your original post is perfectly acceptable - space is limited this year and don't cave in.

And I say that as a mother of twins born a minute apart. One would occasionally be invited to party without the other and it was up to me to manage their expectations. I never once tried to blag another invitation. Not life/learning experiences are pleasant - she needs to reach him that.

converseandjeans · 07/02/2018 10:26

Agree with everyone else. There was a Mum in my daughters class who used to bring along the elder brother to everything - because he struggles socially and doesn't get invited to much. It makes the sibling look silly tbh as they are obviously not mates with the birthday child.
Just go back to her and say what nocabbage put. You need to be clear that there are other people in the class who you had to say she couldn't invite & that numbers are very limited.

AnneOfCleavage · 07/02/2018 10:30

Well done OP. Proud of you

Loonoon · 07/02/2018 10:32

Excellent work OP.

Blackteadrinker77 · 07/02/2018 10:33

I loved when one of my DDs got a party invite and not the other, it gave me one on one time with the other.

Steamcloud · 07/02/2018 10:39

Yes I'm afraid you have to really spell it out clearly to these very cheeky people. I am sure most of us are willing to accommodate a genuine emergency in terms of child-care but it was wrong of her to put you on the spot like that.

And her reasoning is ridiculous; all child have to learn at some point that there are things they are invited to and things they are not invited too! And if this little boy is genuinely disappointed (and she doesn't just fancy an afternoon shopping) it is his parents job to help him manage his jealousy and upset; not you!

Besides, an older boy could totally change/upset the dynamic of the party!

Send her a text immediately and tell her you have no room for siblings now you have had more replies! Do not apologise!

Sympathies though; you sound lovely op to be worrying about this, and there are sadly lots of pushy people about.

I know a similar mother who can only see things in terms of her own children's viewpoints and interests to the exclusion if everyone else, including other DC. In her case it comes from an intense, somewhat blinkered tunnel vision of love for her DC, so I let her get away with it most of the time, and because, well, because life is too short! In other cases though, people are just taking the Michael!

Have courage op and hold your ground!

Steamcloud · 07/02/2018 10:40

Oh sorry! It took me so long to write all of that. I see you have already taken action! Well done op! You will be forewarned and forearmed for next year now!

Original poster

sleepietortoise · 07/02/2018 10:44

V unequivocal - small party for family and handful of friends, hasn't invited everyone she would like, can drop DD off and collect so unless a big childcare issue and DD can't be left then can't accommodate him. Not had a response but fingers crossed.

OP posts:

cingolimama · 07/02/2018 10:49

Sleepie, unfortunately saying "unless a big childcare issue" is not unequivocal. Of course for most normal people, they'd get it, not so cheeky fuckers. She may come back with a "childcare issue", so be prepared. And say no. Again.

HannahHut · 07/02/2018 10:53

Well done OP, just be ready for a ''I've already told him and he's so excited, he'll be devastated!'' response.

GhostWriter666 · 07/02/2018 10:59

Oh god no.....just say no!!!!

At some point, children need to learn that they don't always get what their siblings do. And they don't always get what they want. I went to a party where they played a game, 1 child didn't win (well actually only 1 child won so 30odd didn't win), he threw a right paddy and mum went to him "don't worry after the party and cake I'll take you and buy a toy" ERM...how about teaching your child that they dont always get what they want and guess what....they will survive not getting everything.

Sweetpea55 · 07/02/2018 10:59

The problem with him being jealous and upset is his mums.

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