AIBU to think this is simply a life lesson for DD

[lalalalyra]

Twin DDs are almost 15. They are, for the most part, pretty inseperable. DD2 has some health issues that can be a bit restricting (this is relevant).

In October my nephew moved in. He and DS1 negotiated with the girls over bedroom space as the girls were about to move into the bigger room downstairs vacated by the au pair. Neither "needed" the bigger room hence we let them sort it amongst themselves.

The room is bigger, has a small single-ish size room off it (weird shape and no windows, girls planned to put wardrobes in there - boys have their x-box set up in there) and a nicer en-suite.

In exchange for getting the bigger room DS and DN have been collecting the girls from an activity they wanted to do once a week. It doesn't finish until 10pm so misses the last direct bus and I can't collect them as I have younger kids who are already in bed at that time.

Two of DD1's friends have started doing the activity as well. DD2's enjoyment of it has gone down. They don't leave her out, she's not being bullied, she just enjoys it less than if it was just her and DD1 so she's decided to stop going.

She's now got herself extremely upset tonight because DD1 won't change to a different activity. She can't go herself because she can't be out and about herself because of the health issues. I can't pick her up because of the younger kids and the boys can't pick her up as they'll be picking up DD1. DD1 can't get the bus because of timings, and DD2 can't get the bus alone because of health.

So tonight she decided to broach the boys about swapping rooms. Obviously they pointed out that they've been giving lifts since October, are happy to continue giving lifts and if she chooses not to go then that's not their fault.

She also got a bollocking from me because she told DH that DN was "mean and frightening" when she spoke to him about the rooms not realising that I was in the kitchen the entire time and heard the discussion word-for-word.

DH is feeling very sorry for her because if it was the other way round we'd most likely allow DD1 to get the bus home, but we simply can't with her. It's too dangerous. DH works away 1 night a week and it's that night. DH thinks we should give DD1 a set amount of weeks before she needs to give DD2 the chance for her activity. I totally disagree and think it's just a harsh lesson for DD2.

I don't have anything to add to your dilemma apart from you sound like a very caring and a fantastic parent 💐

OP.. don’t have solutions either but can I move in?! Despite the difficulties it sounds like a lovely family home.

I have no advice but I wish you were my Mum!

Thank you for all the help/suggestions last night. It was much appreciated.

Had a chat with DD2. Not entirely sure how we'll push on from here because I'm livid about her actions to DN. DD1 is in a huge bad mood with her and DN is obviously pissed off (although he accepted her apology and it was him who told DS it would be petty not to give the girls a lift to school this morning).

It's all just teenage tantrums and drama. DD2 was always the social butterfly and DD1 the follower. DD1 has blossomed more into herself in the past few months and DD2 was happy/delighted with that, but recently DD2's closest friend moved away. So her nose is out of joint that DD1 hasn't slotted straight back into the space as DD2's sidekick. She seems quite upset and embarassed by the fact she expected that to happen.

Went over the situation with DN with her. I'm furious with her and she knows it. She lashed out at DN because, in her own words, she'd have had a better shot at pushing DS into giving her something (either the lift or the room) if it was just him. I've reminded her of a few things from my life. I was possibly a bit harsh, but unapologetically so. She needed to understand that being frightened, especially in your own home, is beyond hideous. She's quite upset at the moment at the realisation that DN now quite possibly feels (or could if he and DD2 ever disagree over anything again) unwelcome in our home.

There's no go with the new activity. She doesn't really want to go enough to have everyone re-jigging and sorting everything. She's looking at going to something in the sport centre, but that's not happening for at least 4 weeks. She's also grounded completely for a week. She's taken over one of DN's chores for a week (her idea and suggestion) as an apology to him.

So, I think we're heading toward sorted. She seems embarassed by her behaviour so hopefully she's learned a lesson.

Thank you to those saying lovely things about our home. I love it, most of the time its lovely. However, at 7.30 in the morning when the two teen girls are bickering over straighteners (apparently the two identical pairs are not the same and I just don't understand), one teen boy in in the shower and stinking us out with aftershave (because there's a girl), the other teen boy is still in his bed (and will roll out infuriatingly late, but manage somehow not to be late), the toddler is having a tantrum, the 4yo is insisting that Mrs Murphy says they must watch Cbeebies in the morning and the 9yo is pondering if cats can be gay you probably wouldn't want to live here!