AIBU to think this is simply a life lesson for DD

[lalalalyra]

Twin DDs are almost 15. They are, for the most part, pretty inseperable. DD2 has some health issues that can be a bit restricting (this is relevant).

In October my nephew moved in. He and DS1 negotiated with the girls over bedroom space as the girls were about to move into the bigger room downstairs vacated by the au pair. Neither "needed" the bigger room hence we let them sort it amongst themselves.

The room is bigger, has a small single-ish size room off it (weird shape and no windows, girls planned to put wardrobes in there - boys have their x-box set up in there) and a nicer en-suite.

In exchange for getting the bigger room DS and DN have been collecting the girls from an activity they wanted to do once a week. It doesn't finish until 10pm so misses the last direct bus and I can't collect them as I have younger kids who are already in bed at that time.

Two of DD1's friends have started doing the activity as well. DD2's enjoyment of it has gone down. They don't leave her out, she's not being bullied, she just enjoys it less than if it was just her and DD1 so she's decided to stop going.

She's now got herself extremely upset tonight because DD1 won't change to a different activity. She can't go herself because she can't be out and about herself because of the health issues. I can't pick her up because of the younger kids and the boys can't pick her up as they'll be picking up DD1. DD1 can't get the bus because of timings, and DD2 can't get the bus alone because of health.

So tonight she decided to broach the boys about swapping rooms. Obviously they pointed out that they've been giving lifts since October, are happy to continue giving lifts and if she chooses not to go then that's not their fault.

She also got a bollocking from me because she told DH that DN was "mean and frightening" when she spoke to him about the rooms not realising that I was in the kitchen the entire time and heard the discussion word-for-word.

DH is feeling very sorry for her because if it was the other way round we'd most likely allow DD1 to get the bus home, but we simply can't with her. It's too dangerous. DH works away 1 night a week and it's that night. DH thinks we should give DD1 a set amount of weeks before she needs to give DD2 the chance for her activity. I totally disagree and think it's just a harsh lesson for DD2.

Devil's advocate - does she have form for manipulating or lying? Is it possible that your DN was speaking in a reasonable way to her while also giving her a harsh glare that made her feel intimidated? My DBs and I all developed excellent "civil out loud while simultaneously employing expressive hand gestures and death stares that could curdle milk" skills.

Yep sounds like a fair life lesson. I wouldn’t be going above and beyond to sort out new activities for her as she does sound like she wants her own way on everything-
-expects sister to stop her activity and seeing friends
-wants room back
-trying to manipulate DH about DN
Yes she’s 15, but not all 15 year olds have this level of entitlement. I can’t see why she can’t have night in or start back at the first activity and make some friends there.
Sounds like she is used to getting her own way due to the health issues and needs to learn the world doesn’t revolve around her.
(Sounds much harsher written down than the tone in my head, I understand putting extra effort in to facilitate something because of the health issues but it sounds like she is expecting favouritism)

You’re dealing with it very well. Don’t let those lovely boys be too lovely about the way she was to him though, and wipe away any lesson to be learnt in the process.

fingers crossed the fact your both either too soft or too hard mean you can meet in the middle or at least they get both sides which is really important in parenting I think.you need empathy sometimes in mega loads but sometimes you need the cut off.so you can both give this.just work together now to find the middle ground without seeing with as a weakness because it isn't.you both love them all obviously

I understna dyour daughters illness must cause so much distress it can be the wost feeling in the world.but nothing gives excuses for the manipulative behaviour that happened to your dn that could have causes irreversible damage had it gone any other way or if you either dh or dn reacted to it differently.

I don’t know what to say to help OP but this post has made me think that my undiagnosed fits may be cataplexy ... I’ve collapsed when afraid or shocked since I was 4 with no real evidence as to why. Thank you, this may help me.

yes brendasUmbrella I did for a minute think do we know that she is deff I nthe wrong over the way of dn talking to her if he has managed to knowingly or unknowingly got some beahviours from the dad.but the way op talk of him he sounds like hes the complete opposite of the males that have behaved badly in the fam...and moved out because of this.

He probably would have, in his defence. He's the kind of person that would suggest Trump and Kim jong un should take turns each. He thinks turns each would solve everything.

😁😂🤣. Bless.

...but thank god he’s not in a position to give that a go! 😳

He didn't suggest it to the kids though. He knows he's too soft, and I'm too harsh (sometimes) so we hash things through together before speaking to the kids together. And he'd never have made that call without my total agreement because he's not here on that night. He used to work away for longer periods of time so the rule is 'if you're not going to be here, you don't get to make the rules' and we still stick to that

That’s good on all counts! 😊

Don’t get me wrong, I really feel for her. Having one of those would be really, really awful but both...feck. I really hope the new meds help a lot.

It’s hard to get the balance right when a child has additional needs, health issues and/or a disability.

...that and separating out the normal, selfish, bratty teenage crap 😂

Thanks everyone

@lemonysSnicket You should look into it. Do you have a kind-of awareness of what is going on around you, but just have no muscle tone to be able to move/do anything?

DD drops in fear or shock, and also if she laughs too hard. Any real extreme emotion gets her. Plus random ones for no apparent reason at all.

I don't believe DN frightened her at all. Firstly she said nothing to me even though I was in the house and she said nothing to DD.

She also didn't have cataplexy until she got herself ridiculously angry.

I don't believe that DN and DS are perfect, but they wouldn't scare her. DN wouldn't and DS certainly wouldn't stand for it.

This is a slight derail but there was a tv program turning rescue dogs into assistance dogs and they trained a dog to help a woman with cataplexy. It was trained to help with the usual getting washing out of the machine and things like that (the woman was extremely tired most of the time) and it was trained to lay with the woman when she collapsed and protected her. It enabled her to live a somewhat independent life as if she was alone she would be vulnerable but with the dog she was safer.

So your DD told her Dad that your nephew was nasty and frightening, your immediate response is to be furious and then you justify your reaction and base your judgement on the fact that she didn't come to you first?

Can your DH move the night he works away so he can help?

Since the two boys have been co-operating with giving lifts I don't think they should be made to give up the room. It sounds quite a large family already and then your DN moved in. I sympathise with your DD as she feels left out. But she can't control what other people do in the way of activities and needs to learn this. But your other DD needs to learn to include her sister even when her own friends are there.

Staples, RTFT. OP bases her judgment on the fact that she heard exactly what happened and knows her daughter was lying.

Yep have read it. What she heard was her DD telling her Dad that the nephew was frightening.

OP, no easy solution, but you are doing parenting right. For all your children (DN included)

I think we've got the "all children are liars" brigade in tonight, which often includes their own parents. I think your DD is in a pretty uncomfortable situation where your nephew takes precedent over your own daughter, its clear he can't do any wrong - how old is he? Why on earth would you leave them to sort out bedrooms themselves? I thought you were the adult?! Why can't these "boys" keep an eye on younger kids whilst you pick up your DDs from wherever they are?

No staples she heard DD and DN talking.

No staples that's not what happened at all. She text DH (her step-dad, but not really relevant) because she didn't realise that I'd heard the entire conversation.

Viviennemary DD1 isn't excluding her. DD2 just doesn't like there being other friends there that she hasn't chosen. They are perfectly nice to her and include her. We do have a big family, but she's not left out.

If I am wrong I take that bit back, I interpreted OP's explanation differently. Still say how come this nephew can do no wrong, and we need to know how old these boys are.

@Staplescorner Have you bothered to read any of the thread? Or are you just out to be goady?

I think we've got the "all children are liars" brigade in tonight, which often includes their own parents. I think your DD is in a pretty uncomfortable situation where your nephew takes precedent over your own daughter, its clear he can't do any wrong - how old is he?*

He's 17. He can do wrong, but on this occasion he didn't. I know this because I heard him.

The facts that DD2 went to DH rather than speak to me are in addition to that. She went to DH because she thought he'd just tell DD1 to go to the new activity because that's the easiest and most peaceful solution.

She wasn't in the room alone with DN. It's not her word against his.

Why on earth would you leave them to sort out bedrooms themselves? I thought you were the adult?!

Because the room was for the girls. The boys offered the lifts in exchange for a swap. The pros and cons were pointed out to the girls and they chose to swap. Neither of them particularly needed that room so there was no need to get involved other than to ensure that it was fair (i.e the boys would have been shifted if they'd not bothered to give lifts)

Why can't these "boys" keep an eye on younger kids whilst you pick up your DDs from wherever they are?

DS and DN pick up the girls on the way home from playing 5's. Even if they did come home and look after the younger kids I can't drive to 2 places and pick up 2 girls at the same time.

Still say how come this nephew can do no wrong, and we need to know how old these boys are.

It's not at all that my nephew can do no wrong. It's just that he's done nothing wrong on this occasion.

DN and DS are 17 and 18.

What she did in trying to get DN labelled as ‘frightening’ given his background is really worrying. That’s more than just bad behaviour it’s really cynical and calculated. It sounds like she expects others needs to be put aside in order for hers to be prioritised and she doesn’t care who gets hurt on the way.

I actually feel for dd1 in this, does/did your DH get involved at things when dd2 was having fun and being queen bee to make dd1 happier? How unfair to make one child stop an activity due to anothers strop. You probably won't have this easy Op!