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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is simply a life lesson for DD

105 replies

lalalalyra · 06/02/2018 20:20

Twin DDs are almost 15. They are, for the most part, pretty inseperable. DD2 has some health issues that can be a bit restricting (this is relevant).

In October my nephew moved in. He and DS1 negotiated with the girls over bedroom space as the girls were about to move into the bigger room downstairs vacated by the au pair. Neither "needed" the bigger room hence we let them sort it amongst themselves.

The room is bigger, has a small single-ish size room off it (weird shape and no windows, girls planned to put wardrobes in there - boys have their x-box set up in there) and a nicer en-suite.

In exchange for getting the bigger room DS and DN have been collecting the girls from an activity they wanted to do once a week. It doesn't finish until 10pm so misses the last direct bus and I can't collect them as I have younger kids who are already in bed at that time.

Two of DD1's friends have started doing the activity as well. DD2's enjoyment of it has gone down. They don't leave her out, she's not being bullied, she just enjoys it less than if it was just her and DD1 so she's decided to stop going.

She's now got herself extremely upset tonight because DD1 won't change to a different activity. She can't go herself because she can't be out and about herself because of the health issues. I can't pick her up because of the younger kids and the boys can't pick her up as they'll be picking up DD1. DD1 can't get the bus because of timings, and DD2 can't get the bus alone because of health.

So tonight she decided to broach the boys about swapping rooms. Obviously they pointed out that they've been giving lifts since October, are happy to continue giving lifts and if she chooses not to go then that's not their fault.

She also got a bollocking from me because she told DH that DN was "mean and frightening" when she spoke to him about the rooms not realising that I was in the kitchen the entire time and heard the discussion word-for-word.

DH is feeling very sorry for her because if it was the other way round we'd most likely allow DD1 to get the bus home, but we simply can't with her. It's too dangerous. DH works away 1 night a week and it's that night. DH thinks we should give DD1 a set amount of weeks before she needs to give DD2 the chance for her activity. I totally disagree and think it's just a harsh lesson for DD2.

OP posts:

Cateatentoad · 06/02/2018 23:18

Forgive me if this has been suggested but how about a taxi to pick up your DD1 (paid for from DD2's DLA money as it's an adjustment made to enable DD2 to go to her class) and then your DS or DN pick up DD2? That way the risk of the cab being late etc is less important as it would be an inconvenience for DD1 rather than a potential disaster. I would make it clear to DD2 that this would get reassessed in a month and if the taxis are as bad as you fear then it reverts back to DD1 getting the lifts as she was doing the activity first.

NewYearNiki · 06/02/2018 23:19

How far away is the activity?

If the younger children are already in bed why cant you collect dd2 leaving the boys at home with the children in bed and then as soon as you are home they go and collect dd1.

StaplesCorner · 06/02/2018 23:20

It sounds like she expects others needs to be put aside in order for hers to be prioritised and she doesn’t care who gets hurt on the way. - and no one thinks its odd that a 15 year old girl is being demonised like this?

Original poster

lalalalyra · 06/02/2018 23:21

I actually feel for dd1 in this, does/did your DH get involved at things when dd2 was having fun and being queen bee to make dd1 happier? How unfair to make one child stop an activity due to anothers strop. You probably won't have this easy Op!

He would have. This is the first time there's been a clash like this. Previously it's always been workable with MIL picking up or sharing lifts etc. Before that it was "it's too late for the little ones and DH is away" end of. It's only since DS got his car that there was an extra person able to pick up.

Cate Hadn't thought of doing it that way round! Will look into the taxis that way as well. Thanks.

OP posts:

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 06/02/2018 23:22

She needs to woman up.

You also need to broach the fact that she accused your nephew of being abusive when things didn't go her way........an absolutely disgusting thing to do.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 06/02/2018 23:23

Staple I am guessing your obvious issue with the nephew is that he dares to be a boy...

StaplesCorner · 06/02/2018 23:24

She needs to woman up. - no she doesn't, she's 15. Are you all going to start shouting "burn the witch!!" in a minute?

StaplesCorner · 06/02/2018 23:26

Ofa my issue is that a 15 year old is expected to put her own needs last and that all this has happened because she was expected to sort out arrangements such as who sleeps where that her parent should be dealing with. And then get blamed for the situation.

SE13Mummy · 06/02/2018 23:27

I've sent you a message via Mumsnet private messaging or whatever it's called...

Original poster

lalalalyra · 06/02/2018 23:27

Ofa my issue is that a 15 year old is expected to put her own needs last and that all this has happened because she was expected to sort out arrangements such as who sleeps where that her parent should be dealing with. And then get blamed for the situation.

Hang on a minute. Have you read anything that I've said?

Because you are just making stuff up now.

OP posts:

worridmum · 06/02/2018 23:29

Staples please take you man hating somewhere else yes girls can lie and be manipulative the OP WAS IN HEARING RANGE OF THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION she heard it all.

She calculated the most effective way of getting what she wanted and to get revenge against her DN who did not do exactly what she wanted her having a illness does not excuses behavior like that no way in my house she would be grounded for at least a month and no activites that sort of lie can have dire conquences and you should come down like a ton of bricks to make sure she understands that this is NOT OK EVER.

worridmum · 06/02/2018 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jamiefraserskilt · 06/02/2018 23:31

She has to learn that not all things will go her way and also about decision making.
It is not the boys fault she changed her mind.
It is not her sister's fault she changed her mind.
This is called responsibility.
Whilst I sympathise that the world seems unfair and restrictive when you have a disability, some life lessons just have to be learned the hard way and your dh should be backing you not asking you all to change plans and arrangements that work well just because she has a strop over her decision. This is enabling not learning.
As to her behaviour towards dn, that is beyond acceptable. Glad to hear you are sorting this. She has done it because she is angry, knowing dh is the soft target for such an accusation and is likely to "sort" her Issue.
Nope, you are. right to carry on as usual In my view.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 06/02/2018 23:31

At 15 she should be more than mature enough to deal with all this. She has to deal with a very heavy health challenge, and my experience is that teenagers faced with that actually mature faster.
Also, threatening the place in the house and the family of the nephew with a lie accusing him of the very reason he had to leave his own home is very dire.

gillybeanz · 06/02/2018 23:38

Could dd1 not come home with the friend that has just started and dd2 get the lift?

Weezol · 06/02/2018 23:40

I would agree that this is a life lesson, she made a choice and now needs to live with the consequences of that choice.

I wouldn't be looking into any other activities for that night, insuring cars, taxis etc. It's lovely that the boys want to help, thank them and praise them and ask them to stop.

You are treating her normally if you have her deal with the consequences of her actions.

You are making her 'different' by overcompensating if you pander to her finding another activity in this instance - essentially you are rewarding manipulation/bad behaviour. How would her twin feel if she was 'let off'?

This is a standard teenage strop on this particular issue and needs to be treated as such.

What consequence will she get for lying to DH about DN? She deserves some sanction for that, it was manipulative and cruel. It's better she learns this now at 15 in the security of home and family - owning your actions is part of growing up.

It's bloody hard for her and you - I wouldn't be 15 again for cash money! It's difficult being 15 when you're in good health, never mind with a serious health problem.

Jux · 06/02/2018 23:46

Can the boys pick up a girl each? Then both girls can do their stuff.

If not, well, yes, I'd say hard cheese.

Mxyzptlk · 06/02/2018 23:54

She's used to being the social butterfly of the pair,

It's unfortunate but the "popular" kids are often very selfish and it sounds like DD2 is going that way.

You definitely need to talk to her re what she said about DN, and why she said it.

If the idea of a taxi for DD1 is feasible, I'd still let DD2 think she can't go , for a bit, before telling her about it. The whole reason for a change in travel arrangements is her having a strop so you're right that she needs to learn a life lesson from it.

Babyroobs · 07/02/2018 00:15

Can't DN & DS watch over the younger kids while you go and pick both girls up from their activities? Or do you not drive?

Original poster

lalalalyra · 07/02/2018 00:24

Can't DN & DS watch over the younger kids while you go and pick both girls up from their activities? Or do you not drive?

They pick the girls up on the way home from playing 5's. And I still couldn't pick them both up from different activities at the same time.

Can the boys pick up a girl each? Then both girls can do their stuff.

They share DS's car.

Thanks everyone for replies. I'm going to bed and will deal with all of this tomorrow. She has apologised to DN for what she said, which is something as it was entirely unprompted. It's a long way from sorted/done though.

OP posts:

Weezol · 07/02/2018 00:26

Can I ask gently and with respect that people please read the thread before posting? I'm finding it frustrating and I'm not the OP!

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 07/02/2018 00:33

The problem is - she doesn't want to share her sister. She didn't get her own way and she got upset when she tried to force her sister to do what she wanted.

Does she actually want to do a different activity or is she just trying to ruin everyone else's fun.

She lied to get DN in trouble - why not both DS and DN?
She also may be jealous with DN getting attention which may need addressing. How does your other daughter get on with him?

EmpireVille · 07/02/2018 00:56

It's simple.

She does the agreed activity or nothing.

It's nothing to do with her health problem. She signed up for something which she doesn't want to do anymore (out of awkwardness). The logistics are already in place. Tough.

End of issue - surely??

The other matter, the accusation towards the cousin, is entirely separate.

littletinyme1 · 07/02/2018 01:04

I have read the thread. You sound lovely. Your DD2 does need a conversation regarding what she said about nephew, but you need to find out why she said it. I don't think you can just assume she was being manipulative. Is there anything behind their relationship that suggests some sort of issue?

Does she like/not like him? Does she feel uncomfortable around him for any reason? She is 2 years younger than him. They are both teens and teenagers can be complex. I suppose what i am saying is, pause for a moment and reflect on WHY she may have said what she did. It may be as simple as he is a great, big, hulking boy or she was trying to get her own way or she feels uncomfortable about something, or he has spoken to her like this in the past. Does she often lie?

She knows it was wrong (thank goodness you heard) and that's why she apologised. The important thing for you, as mother, is find out why?

TwoShades1 · 07/02/2018 01:48

Maybe see is dd1 can get a lift home with someone else (offer money,etc). Then the boys can pick up dd2, if they are still willing. What she did to DN is really wrong, that’s a strong accusation. A teenage strop is saying that DN is shit or she hates or some other such grumpy ranting nonsense.

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