AIBU to think this is simply a life lesson for DD

[lalalalyra]

Twin DDs are almost 15. They are, for the most part, pretty inseperable. DD2 has some health issues that can be a bit restricting (this is relevant).

In October my nephew moved in. He and DS1 negotiated with the girls over bedroom space as the girls were about to move into the bigger room downstairs vacated by the au pair. Neither "needed" the bigger room hence we let them sort it amongst themselves.

The room is bigger, has a small single-ish size room off it (weird shape and no windows, girls planned to put wardrobes in there - boys have their x-box set up in there) and a nicer en-suite.

In exchange for getting the bigger room DS and DN have been collecting the girls from an activity they wanted to do once a week. It doesn't finish until 10pm so misses the last direct bus and I can't collect them as I have younger kids who are already in bed at that time.

Two of DD1's friends have started doing the activity as well. DD2's enjoyment of it has gone down. They don't leave her out, she's not being bullied, she just enjoys it less than if it was just her and DD1 so she's decided to stop going.

She's now got herself extremely upset tonight because DD1 won't change to a different activity. She can't go herself because she can't be out and about herself because of the health issues. I can't pick her up because of the younger kids and the boys can't pick her up as they'll be picking up DD1. DD1 can't get the bus because of timings, and DD2 can't get the bus alone because of health.

So tonight she decided to broach the boys about swapping rooms. Obviously they pointed out that they've been giving lifts since October, are happy to continue giving lifts and if she chooses not to go then that's not their fault.

She also got a bollocking from me because she told DH that DN was "mean and frightening" when she spoke to him about the rooms not realising that I was in the kitchen the entire time and heard the discussion word-for-word.

DH is feeling very sorry for her because if it was the other way round we'd most likely allow DD1 to get the bus home, but we simply can't with her. It's too dangerous. DH works away 1 night a week and it's that night. DH thinks we should give DD1 a set amount of weeks before she needs to give DD2 the chance for her activity. I totally disagree and think it's just a harsh lesson for DD2.

It's a balance finding a line with her sometimes. I get that it's hideous that she has limitations. And I know that it's magnified because of DD1 and her being twins.

My gut feeling is that this is nothing to do with that though. This is a bratty teenage moment. She wants it her way and is pissed off that DD1 won't change to the other activity (without her friends).

I'd hate for anyone to think we don't take her condition into account though. We do. Every day and as much as possible.

How are DD1's friends who also do the activity getting home? Could she share either a lift (you could offer petrol money) or a taxi with them?

There are several separate issues here.

1: She wanted to do the activity, she made the deal with the boys. She’s now changed her mind about going. Tough luck. Deal’s a deal.
(However, I’d have set a time limit on it before it was renegotiated)

2: She’s only not going because she doesn’t get to be Queen Bee. She has to ‘share’ her sister or not be ‘the one with the friends’. She’s being silly, but that’s her choice.

3: What she did to DN was utterly, utterly disgraceful and she’d be in really, really, big trouble here. Really big trouble.

4: She has other activities on other nights, it’s not like she’s housebound. She can do another activity on the night DH is away if she can earn the taxi money or organise a lift. She needs to appreciate how much she already does.

5: It’s harsh that she has narcolepsy, but it is what it is. DH treating her like she gets to be the exception to the rule will do her no favours. Nor will it go down well with her siblings.

I think I’m feeling your fury over what she said about DN,. Honestly, the punishment for that, from me, would be severe. The consequences could have been awful if you hadn’t over heard the conversation.

She behaved unacceptably in lying to you about her cousin, and needs to understand that.

However, given the health issues do restrict her independence, I'd try to find a way around that if possible. Is there any way that DD1 could travel back to her friend's house, and have the boys collect her from there after picking up DD2?

I think I’m feeling your fury over what she said about DN,. Honestly, the punishment for that, from me, would be severe. The consequences could have been awful if you hadn’t over heard the conversation.

It's why I was sure if my gut "no, you've decided not to go so that's your look out" instinct was off kilter.

I'm absolutely beyond furious. I was brought up by my grandparents because my parents were violent. DN has moved in her because my brother has gone down my father's path with how he treats his wife and children.

To say that about him has left me in tears tbh. I cannot believe she would say that about him. DS was also there so she can't have thought she'd get away with it. DH wasn't going to just react to DN without a word to anyone else. Texting him before he got in with it as well was so sneaky.

I don't even know where to begin with it.

(However, I’d have set a time limit on it before it was renegotiated)

It's only term time until the summer. DS and DN will (fingers crossed) be going to uni after the summer so it always had a natural end. And the boys were very sure to firm that up because DN might have to attend uni locally and stay at home for finance reasons.

YANBU. Dd2 is being a bit bratty as teenagers can be. I think she does have to go with the planned activity or nothing as it seems all other options have been tried.

You are right to be most annoyed about the lying about her cousin, I understand why you are disappointed. Hopefully she can learn from it.

So her problem is narcolepsy?

Sorry of this is silly but could she not just call you/ a friend when waiting for the bus and talking would keep her awake? Or a vibrating wrist band alarm that buzzes every 30seconds- I have a friend with something like this.

I think the agreement was the room in exchange for lifts to the first activity. She can't change it now especially when all other parties are happy with the situation. I'd think of it like a phone contract- you can't just swap phones when you want.

Sorry of this is silly but could she not just call you/ a friend when waiting for the bus and talking would keep her awake? Or a vibrating wrist band alarm that buzzes every 30seconds- I have a friend with something like this.

I wish either of those worked. We've tried everything from logical to gimmicky. She has cataplexy with her narcolepsy and it's just not safe for her.

She's recently started a new medication to try and deal with the cataplexy so hopefully she might end up with a bit more freedom (I'm not being doom and gloom, it's her decision that we treat them all as if they won't work because she's fed up being disappointed). That likely won't extend to buses at the back of 10 at night anytime soon though.

Thanks everyone. I'll speak to her tomorrow and try and untangle it all when I'm calmer with her.

DS and DN are looking up stuff that's on in the sports centre where they play 5's to see if she could do something there at the same time. Which is pretty good of them to be doing that now - they are far less huffy than I'd have been at their ages after something like that (maybe I'm where DD gets it from). Hopefully that could maybe be a solution, she is allowed in the sports centre as long as there is someone 18+ in the building.

I absolutely agree with you on the stance over DN! I have a blended family and our children have tried this game on us!

As to the activity.... it seems you all have tried to work it out for her to do the other hobby, and it can't be done. She's not really stuck at home since she has other activities to occupy her on other days. I certainly wouldn't consider insuring your other car just to negotiate an added activity for 1 child.

No way should your other daughter have to switch to suit her sister..... it's totally unreasonable of your DH to expect her to!

If your twins are that attached this may be a good time for them to spend some time on their own activities. At 15 they're going to be doing their own things, and have their own jobs and college courses soon.

Is a taxi not an option op? If she does extra chores to make up for the cost and you make sure itsthe same trustworthy company each time?

DS and DN are looking up stuff that's on in the sports centre where they play 5's to see if she could do something there at the same time. Which is pretty good of them to be doing that now - they are far less huffy than I'd have been at their ages after something like that (maybe I'm where DD gets it from). Hopefully that could maybe be a solution, she is allowed in the sports centre as long as there is someone 18+ in the building.

I know I sound harsh but they shouldn't. She chose to do something, and then backed out. Its her responsibility to fill that time, and if the one thing she wants to do is not possible then she perhaps has to accept it for how it is. All this bending over backwards to placate her won't help her learn to problem solve in the future.

I’m sorry to hear about your childhood & your DB 💐. I assumed DN was with you because of an issue or illness etc with his parent/s, but hearing that makes what she said even worse. I honestly don’t know what I’d do, but I’d come down like a ton of bricks and that would be the focus, not how to facilitate another activity for her.

As I said, right now I wouldn’t even be considering how to help her get to another activity, no way. But that aside, what would you have thought if DD1 was the one wanting to do a different activity than the one arranged (but there weren’t any busses)? Would you say ‘It’s a shame but Dad isn’t home & the boys have agreed to pick upmfrom x, so it’s tough luck unless you can get a lift hone’ or would you be bending over backwards to facilitate it?

Can I just say you sound like a lovely family!

Taxi's are really unreliable here. There's a newish firm opened so I'll see if they've got any better reviews.

The cost of the taxis aren't the issue - that's what her DLA is for. It's the availability and reliability.

She herself has looked into all the options for getting to and from and chucked the strop when the only way to do it would be for DD1 to change. I think, although I don't know 100%, she was thinking DD1 would just have to change activity because there's no other way for her to go. Not thinking that everyone would say "erm no, why would that be a thing when you can go to activity one?"

Could DN or DS stay home with your presumably sleeping small children and you go and collect your daughter?

As I said, right now I wouldn’t even be considering how to help her get to another activity, no way. But that aside, what would you have thought if DD1 was the one wanting to do a different activity than the one arranged (but there weren’t any busses)? Would you say ‘It’s a shame but Dad isn’t home & the boys have agreed to pick upmfrom x, so it’s tough luck unless you can get a lift hone’ or would you be bending over backwards to facilitate it?

If there were no buses there would be the same teen-drama probably. We'd try and work it out, but ultimately she wouldn't be able to go. Just as DD2 is highly unlikely to be able to go.

This is only an issue because there is a bus that DD1 could use and DD2 can't. So it feels unfair on DD2 because she should be able to go, but can't.

AdalindShade Thank you. We are sometimes. DS1 calls us a "hotch-potch of people who choose to share a house" which pretty much sums us up. Other times it's just a buiilding of chaos.

If your house is ‘in the middle’ how would it help to insure one of the boys on your car? I’m a bit confused.

I assume someone checked in with your dn over this.to think of my cousin doing this to me knowing the home life and why I came to live with them would really really upset me.that was cruel and I feel sad for him and you because now it how to deal with that in itself seems the now bigger issue.
you said your boys are now looking up acitivites for her. this is so lovely. sounds like you got some good-ens there and so even lovelier you took your dn in and bringin him up the right/nice way.
ps.sorry bout your own upbringing and now brother following suit.xx

If your house is ‘in the middle’ how would it help to insure one of the boys on your car? I’m a bit confused.

It would meant they could take two cars. The timings wouldn't really work though thinking about it. (It was an option I hadn't thought of earlier). She'd still have to wait so it wouldn't actually work.

kateandme I've spoken to DN. And he and DS shut themselves away for a while in their room with the xbox. They are very close so he'll have spoken to DS.
He's a lovely lad. Like I said, the fact he's looking up stuff at the sports centre says a lot about him.

The activities are neither here nor there but I’d be very uncomfortable with the nature of the lie about her cousin. To describe him as frightening to her father is extremely manipulative.

Such a difficult situation - obviously DD2 has behaved badly but I can really understand her frustration at the situation. She has been eased out of the original activity because DD1 wants to to be with these other friends - but because of her medical situation she does not have the freedom to attend a different activity.

I think that a lot of this is to do with having to come to terms with her disability and that her life is limited. While a child it obviously wasn't an issue but she now has to accept that she cannot have the same freedoms as her sister. Living a restricted life is really difficult at any age but at 15 it must be very upsetting and difficult to cope with.

Is it possible for DD2 to be picked up while DD1 takes the first bus and then DD1 could be picked up from the bus stop so she doesn't have to wait 20 minutes for the 2nd bus?

This is only an issue because there is a bus that DD1 could use and DD2 can't. So it feels unfair on DD2 because she should be able to go, but can't

Yes, I totally get that. What I was getting at was you were concerned you weren’t being ‘fair’ because you’re angry & disappointed in her. I was just suggesting thinking about what you’d do if it wasn’t for the drama or her issues, if it was her sister (but no bus).

Anyway, your DH is being very unfair suggesting DD1 only gets a few more weeks then changes to what her sister wants. The 4 of them agreed on this, you can’t make DD1 change just because madam has the hump over DD1’s friends being there. That would be massively unfair and I bet he’s never have suggested it if it had been the other way around.

Lunde She hasn't really been eased out. She's acknowledged that the other girls include her. She's not left out, and there's not an odd number of them (that can be a pain with girls). She just wanted DD1 to herself.

I get you now Annie. Thanks.

I do question my parenting. I worry about being fair and question myself because my parents were shit. My Grandparents were absolutely wonderful, but very old fashioned. So I don't really have any reference.

That would be massively unfair and I bet he’s never have suggested it if it had been the other way around.

He probably would have, in his defence. He's the kind of person that would suggest Trump and Kim jong un should take turns each. He thinks turns each would solve everything.

He didn't suggest it to the kids though. He knows he's too soft, and I'm too harsh (sometimes) so we hash things through together before speaking to the kids together. And he'd never have made that call without my total agreement because he's not here on that night. He used to work away for longer periods of time so the rule is 'if you're not going to be here, you don't get to make the rules' and we still stick to that.

I think if you'd let DD1 switch and catch bus but you won't let DD2 because of her health then that must feel rubbish for DD2. Bad enough to have a health issue none of the others have to deal with, let alone it also costs you in terms of activity choices.

This is a different issue from how she handled the situation, which was not ok.

Good luck with finding a resolution