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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

£40 standard gift for kids birthday parties (Private School)

110 replies

trippingup · 06/02/2018 10:34

AIBU to think that £40 is a lot of money for a kids gift for a party even though children concerned go to a private school?

DP's ex is demanding more money to keep up with the expected gifts so that DD isn't frowned upon for bringing a cheaper gift. Surely £10-15 is more than enough. DP agrees with ex and will give her more money. Just seems like its keeping up with the joneses to me and I should just stay out of it.

OP posts:

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 06/02/2018 12:36

Your DP and his ex sound a bit socially insecure. It all sounds a very showy, "new money" type of school

Original poster

trippingup · 06/02/2018 12:37

May I add we are not in London... in fact far from it and somewhere pretty cheap to live!

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 06/02/2018 12:38

Central London, two kids in private schools.
£40 isn’t the norm.
Most are up to £20.

Fobber · 06/02/2018 12:41

£10-15, £20 tops (for close friends).

North London state primary, fairly well-to-do / professional catchment. Here it's not the presents but the expectations vis-à-vis party activities and party bags, (ie presents for guests!), that have become absolutely bonkers in recent years. Entertainers, lavish catering and cakes and party bags completely outpricing the birthday child's gifts. Madness.

NoqontroI · 06/02/2018 12:41

Private school here. Usually about £10 to £12 unless I can get a two for £15 deal in Argos, in which case £7.50 and save the other gift for another party.

ChocolateWombat · 06/02/2018 12:50

Yr 2! Being ridiculed for bringing a cheap present!

Sorry but the idea is ridiculous. Yr 2s generally don't know the price of things and often their favourite item turns out to be the cheapest of all. As people post over and over on threads about private schools, children like other kids that they have fun with and get on with. Wealth, house size and money spent on presents isn't on most of their radars. The vast majority of parents might fleetingly notice these kind of things more than the kids do, but they are not a big deal for the vast majority of parents either. And yes, it won't be the really affluent who are bothered by such things but those who are just struggling to afford it and keep up with the Jones'. Sounds like ex DH might be in that position. Perhaps independent schooling is a new thing for him and he feels a self imposed requirement to prove himself to other parents. Of course this kind of thing doesn't just happen in independent schools either, but all over, some people lack self esteem and think they have to buy the value other people will see in them. It's a shame and also an attitude which can easily rub off on a child - so if a parent is obsessed by the price of things, children can become like it too.

Original poster

trippingup · 06/02/2018 13:18

Now need to decide whether to voice my opinion to DP or just stay out of it. If the school is creating this culture of £40 gifts like the ex says it needs to be dealt with. Its sending the wrong message to children imo.

I do agree with the posters who have said it reflects badly on my Dp and ex - it shows their insecurity and them needing to prove something!

OP posts:

nornironlady · 06/02/2018 13:21

My immediate family members don't get this spent on them, my DS, DP and Mum would get more. That's it. Much too excessive for a kids party no matter the age.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2018 13:26

Dd is at Private Secondary, not so many parties at that age but presents usually around £15-20

Hissy · 06/02/2018 13:29

ha ha, we have had the same email... DD is falling behind her peers in all the gadgets expenses etc. Except it's an attempt at more extortion.

There is every possibility that this is all a pack of lies. the money goes nowhere near the birthday girl...

IGNORE.

Even if it's true, it teaches DD and her friends that no, you DON'T need money to have fun etc.

The answer is that the girl's mother can choose to spend what she likes for her DD gifts to DD friends. DP doesn't need to be involved in any of that.

BlueMirror · 06/02/2018 13:31

It doesn't sound outlandish to me. My dc received different amounts from £5 up to £30 in their cards at their last party and they're only 7! And they go to a regular state school in a not particularly great area. I was surprised as I usually put £10 in a card for classmates or £20 if it's a best friend.
I can see that if it really is the done thing though that the dc wouldn't want to seem different. Is it the mum's choice to send her to private school or a joint decision? If it's a joint decision I think it's an expense that needs to be shared really.
Or maybe they could give a gift rather than cash. With some canny sale shopping/shopping around her parents could build up a gift draw of expensive looking gifts that you only paid a fraction of the cost for?

BlueMirror · 06/02/2018 13:35

And I do agree that your dp's dc SHOULDN'T feel pressure to keep up with the Jones's but this is the kind of silliness that can happen in some fee paying schools. If he wants his child there then I think it's unfair to single her out with things like present giving. If it is the mum's choice to send her to that school then the extra expense should fall on her imo.

stressedoutfred · 06/02/2018 13:39

£40!! Wow!!

I tend to stick to £10 with DS2’s friends - unless it’s a special friend in which case I’d spend up to £20 on a particular something or maybe a smaller present and a helium balloon ( DS loves doing this!)

DS2 is at secondary school and his parties are fewer per year so I normally get him £15 vouchers and he likes to give sweets too

milliemolliemou · 06/02/2018 13:42

Grr. Never seen the point in birthday parties, especially for non-teenagers. Seems to cause a lot of stress for the parents, one up man ship from other parents, angst among children about whom to invite/not being invited. As for £40 for a Y2? ridiculous.

Jenna43 · 06/02/2018 13:46

If DP agrees with ex and can pay I don't see why you are involved tbh

Oh here we go. Can we not just have one thread without the step-mother bashing.

ShutYoFace · 06/02/2018 14:03

Never seen the point in birthday parties

Wow, you must be fun.

pigshavecurlytails · 06/02/2018 14:08

My kids are at private school. I recently spent over £40 for a present for her absolute best friend for whom I wanted to go above and beyond. Usually £10-20, less if I get a bargain on something!

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 06/02/2018 14:37

I nanny 2 private school kids and parties are mental...£30-40 is definitely the expected gift cost...parties cost absolutely hundreds...last week the party bags for a 6yo party of 20 children were a pen, some macarons (what happened to Haribo?!), a mini aqua draw type thing and some cars for boys and hair bobbles for girls....in mini cath kidston rucksacks!

ChocolateWombat · 06/02/2018 14:59

The thing is,not here is no 'expected' price tag. Isn't this just about us all having the self confidence to do what we like and feel happy with......that can be £5 or £50. Any pressure is usually self-applied and those who feel they 'must' spend X and are under-pressure are lacking the self esteem to recognise they can do what they like and actually, the judgement is all,ffrom themselves, not others.

I think that if you find yourself suddenly amongst people who have more money than you have had previously, you can feel a bit like this.....really notice the excesses a few go to, and decide they are the norm, and feel a bit worried about how other people view you. You won't tend to find then poorer, down at heel aristos fretting about this stuff.......its only those who have 'just arrived' perhaps who are visiting.....sorry nasty term, but true. Just do what you are happy with and know that in life, people like you for who you are......if you are a decent,mfriendly person who is interested in others, people will like you (adults and kids) but if you're rich and miserable or snooty or selfish, they won't. Simples.

Yura · 06/02/2018 16:07

we are in surrey, and at a private primary school. most parties are "no gifts please" as most of us live in fairly small terraces. otherwise its atound £10.

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2018 16:13

But she could be Lying to get more money from him.

JojoLapin · 06/02/2018 16:26

Private school, London. £15 for random kid in the class invite. £20 for closer friends. Anything more is ostentatious (and would land like a lead balloon!).

FlouncyDoves · 06/02/2018 18:20

The school will have nothing to do with it. The yummy mummies in their Sweaty Betty gear however, might.

Do you really care how your DP’s ex is viewed? Tell him it’s too much.

shushpenfold · 06/02/2018 18:23

Utter cobblers. £10 to £15 is the norm.

Fekko · 06/02/2018 18:23

Nope - central London here and £20 amazon voucher is like catnip to these children!

One boy at prep school did give really expensive toys - around £80 one time. His parents were really really well off (and didn’t work for a toy manufacturer!).

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