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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£40 standard gift for kids birthday parties (Private School)

110 replies

trippingup · 06/02/2018 10:34

AIBU to think that £40 is a lot of money for a kids gift for a party even though children concerned go to a private school?

DP's ex is demanding more money to keep up with the expected gifts so that DD isn't frowned upon for bringing a cheaper gift. Surely £10-15 is more than enough. DP agrees with ex and will give her more money. Just seems like its keeping up with the joneses to me and I should just stay out of it.

OP posts:
AlexanderHamilton · 06/02/2018 11:38

That’s a lot a

I usually spent:

Pre prep - £5-8
Prep - £8-12
Seniors £10-15
Best Friend £15-20

SnippitySnappity · 06/02/2018 11:40

My DDs aren't at a private school and they still get (and so do most of their mates) far, far too much for their bdays. We should try and encourage at least some of the presents being charity donations, because otherwise you end up in this weird world where all of the friends expect a £300 birthday party plus presents from each friend of at least £10 value - nuts and not needed.

Isn't it bad manners to expect any presents at all?

Florin · 06/02/2018 11:41

My son is at private school and we pay £10-£15 for presents and when it was his birthday that was about average spent on him. People would feel embarrassed receiving a £40 at his school.

OpheliaHardon · 06/02/2018 11:44

YABU to think that it being a private school makes a difference (mine are all at private schools, and you'd find that many of the parents are so stretched by school fees that birthday presents are token gestures, rather than expensive affairs).

But YANBU to think that £40 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend for a present for a children's birthday party, full stop. £10 absolute maximum.

AckWhatToDo · 06/02/2018 11:44

My kids are at a private school in London, parents rich or v rich. I'd see £40 as a bit vulgar and try hard. I'd only consider giving anything like that for one of my children's best friends, not just for a random (and obv in that case it wouldn't be cash in a card).

For random parties £20 is plenty.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 06/02/2018 11:52

@Srumtish Not exactly, no. Some of them were my friends with similar aged children (5 of them) but most of them were his friends from pre-school (the other 20) whose parents I know but wouldn't class as friends other than in a facebook context. It's not actually his birthday yet as we had to have the party slightly early for other family commitments so all the rest of my friends/family have yet to give presents.

mmgirish · 06/02/2018 11:52

I work in a private international school. My kids go there too. They receive a range of presents from £10 - £40ish but I would say that the majority are between £10-15. Which is what I buy.

I also try and keep the value of gifts the same no matter what type of party it is. We often get invited to parties that take place in fancy hotel where the parents pay for brunch for 40 - 50 people. Those kids get the same present as the back garden BBQ party kids

ShutYoFace · 06/02/2018 11:56

It's none of your business though is it? The two parents of this child are both happy with it, so why do you care?

ChocolateWombat · 06/02/2018 11:58

Even within the most expensive private and public schools there will be a wide range of spending on things like this.....and thinking too much about how much is being spent by others is probably and bit vulgar or nouveau to be honest. Tell DPs ex to stop trying to keep up with the JOnes' in this sense. £40 won't be what everyone is spending and not required and the vast majority of parents and kids won't give a toss about it or even notice.....only people like DP ex who feels they have something to prove.

Fwiw, I have seen gifts that will have cost less than a fiver and gifts that will have been over £50. When the kids go to spend the day or a couple of days with friends, they might spend all day at the hosts house, whilst others take them on a cheap swimming outing and others to a theme park or for a full on fancy day out with 3 meals eaten out. Likewise, parties have ranged from the hugely expensive experience days, to games at someone's house. And the kids and parents enjoy them all, as far as I can tell. Go with what you feel happy doing and spending.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/02/2018 11:58

Even though they go to a private school.

I couldn't care less if they were Royalty.
To be prefectly honest. I don't even spend £40 on my own nephews. £10 is ample

user187656748 · 06/02/2018 11:58

private school here and the max anyone spends is about £15.

NotTooBeautiful · 06/02/2018 12:01

Are you sure it’s all going on the gift? My dh’s ex regularly ‘embellishes’ the price of things to get more money out of him. Shoes that we know are £40 are suddenly £70, school dinners are £30 a week when my DSD confirms that she spends no more than £12 a week, that kind of thing.

Allthebestnamesareused · 06/02/2018 12:02

Again £15 here but maybe more for Best Friend

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 06/02/2018 12:05

How old? Clutching at straws but...

Teens often pay their own way for a birthday so if they go to Nandos, an invited person would spend £15 on their meal plus take a gift £20 (assuming a close friend) then £5 to get there and back on bus which equals £40?

ReelingLush18 · 06/02/2018 12:05

Gosh I think that's a fairly generous amount to spend on family members (not DC though).

Certainly wouldn't be spending that amount on any of DCs' friends. £15 (cash/token) max and less if a present given (if possible).

Oohyoudevilyou · 06/02/2018 12:10

Primary school is around £6 to £10 round here (East Anglia), probably less for secondary as the girls tend to buy gifts for close friends out of their own pocket money, and the boys don't bother buying for each other!

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 06/02/2018 12:12

Could it be a case of child is invited to soft play party and takes £20 gift. Mum takes sibling so has to pay for sibling and her to stay = £20?

Or gift = £20 and paranoid Mum spending £20 on outfit?

Maryann1975 · 06/02/2018 12:17

Wow! £40 on a gift for a friend. My dc get £25 from one of their grandparents, and £20 of the aunts from that side of the family.

I tend to give between £5 and £10 for classmates presents, but dd tends to spend nearer to £15 for her best friend now they are nearing get teen years. I can not comprehend spending £40 on a classmates present, I think it’s more than I spent on dh for his last birthday!

underneaththeash · 06/02/2018 12:21

Wow - all three of mine are at private school and we live in an expensive area. I usually spend £10 max, or £15 if I know the child particularly well. £40 is ridiculous.

elliejjtiny · 06/02/2018 12:21

I would spend £5-10 on a gift in primary school. My DC go to 2 or 3 maximum a year.

Biker47 · 06/02/2018 12:23

I don't even spend £40 on my neice and nephew's birthday presents.

EmpireVille · 06/02/2018 12:26

Private here. £10-15

I have noticed that the non-British parents seem to much more lavish. By that I mean Middle Eastern families. Also their parties tend to be huge and heavily-catered!!

sillyrubberduck · 06/02/2018 12:30

My son is at a private school, year 9. Max £20 for good friends, usually £10-£15

LuchiMangsho · 06/02/2018 12:31

London private school. SW London. 10-15 is the very very max. Closer to 10. 20 for a very close friend. But for his birthday 3 weeks ago he got books- none of which would have been more than 10 quid.
If someone spent 40 quid there would be eyebrows raised.

Original poster
trippingup · 06/02/2018 12:33

Thanks all for your feedback. SD is in year 2. I know there are some wealthy families at the school but this seems ridiculous.

DP saying she would be ridiculed for buying a cheaper present is just plain silly!

OP posts: