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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accidental Emotional Affair?

113 replies

PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 09:58

This is going to sound a bit barmy. I posted an add on Gumtree a few months back advertising an item connected to my hobby for sale. I was contacted through the app thing by someone to say they had this particular item but did I have any other variations for sale. I responded to say I didn't have anything else at the minute but would probably have finished with something similar in a couple of months so I would bare them in mind.

They replied to say something along the lines of its unusual to find a female who is interested in this kind of thing and that he is usually left chatting to other men about it and that his wife hates his hobby but he's trying to encourage his daughter to take it up.

I respond to say my Oh doesn't get it either so I feel his pain. All fine. Nothing more comes of it.

A couple of days later he texts me on whattsapp sending through a picture of his newest purchase. I say it looks great etc etc

few days after that he texts to see if i can help him out with a missing part, which as it happens I can. I get his address and post it.

We chat on and off over the next few months, all hobby related, heads up on good deals etc. I didn't think much of it.

Have now been contacted by his wife to say I need to stop my affair with her husband. Have I been totally out of line? Full disclosure he would sometimes say things like oh I need to meet a woman like you, but always seemed in a sort of banter context, and as he was married with children I didn't think anything of it.

I didn't know that gumtree was some kind of tinder equivalent, have I just been naive?

OP posts:

Karigan1 · 06/02/2018 21:32

Hear hear putupwithrain.

LemonysSnicket · 06/02/2018 21:36

Sounds like just hobby chat tbh... maybe he’s made more of it in his head?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2018 21:50

This "hobby chat" thing...

Is it the modern equivalent of "my wife doesn't understand me" or "would you like to see my etchings" ?

The only thing you have done wrong, op, is to be a bit naive. Random men do not whatsapp random women without an ulterior motive. Call me cynical.

IsThisADream · 06/02/2018 22:00

Did the wife reply @PureLife4 ?

halfwitpicker · 06/02/2018 22:03

It's WhatsApp in general seen as a pick up app or what?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2018 22:09

It's not the medium, it's the way it is used. It could just as easily have been a FB selling page or Mumsnet

Dipitydoda · 06/02/2018 22:09

That’s not an affair, I don’t even think it’s friendship it’s polite chatter. The wife’s either a jealous nut job or the husband a serial cheater. Either way you have done nothing wrong. Mind you I think emotional affair is a term dreamy up by people who can’t believe men and women can simply be very good friends

PutUpWithRain · 06/02/2018 22:33

AnyFucker I appreciate it could be used/seen in that light by some, but my experience is that it isn't. It is just nice to have people to chat to about something that most people don't take an interest in. There has never been any hint from any of my male friends that their wives don't understand them, or that they want us to be closer. They've just been really good friends - as have the female friends I've met online in the same way. I don't distinguish between them, and I don't think they do with regard to me either.

That said... my ex didn't like me being friends with these blokes, and was insistent they were only friends because they wanted something more. He just couldn't get his head around men wanting to be friends/chat about mutual interests without an ulterior motive. That was a bit insulting - that it wasn't me that they liked, but what they hoped to get out of it (a saggy, wobbly mother of two). Sounds a bit like the wife here isn't used to him having female friends, so thinks there must be more to it than sharing discount codes and sales.

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 11:36

This is friendship not an affair of any kind use both have same passion and use spoke about it helped him out explain that to his wife but back away now as it's upsetting her respect how she sees it and leave it at that xx

Mailawaymailawaymailaway · 07/02/2018 11:40

OP, you didn't do anything wrong.

An emotional affair is different to a sort of friendship. Given you were happy to walk away from your casual chats with this man, it wasn't even a proper friendship - it would have hurt to stop communicating with him if it was!

She has other problems - they might be real, based on his previous behaviour, or they might be in her head, based on her own insecurities. But it was nothing you did, so don't blame yourself.

Original poster

PureLife4 · 07/02/2018 12:54

She responded to call me a rude name, but that was the height of it. He then text to apologise and said her father died a few months ago and she's not been coping very well with it all.

I don't think he was trying to pick me up, he has no idea what I even look like so could have three heads, so doubt there could have been an attraction of any kind and it's not a naked paintball hobby we have, it's something pretty boring to most people, which is why it was strange for him to find anyone who shares his hobby, be it male or female, i think he was just surprised I was a woman.

He's never had a pop at his wife or said anything except about trying to involve his daughter in things.

It's a bit odd, but I guess in this day and age we all have to be suspicious of people and cautious of forming friendships.

OP posts:

middleclasstwat · 07/02/2018 13:03

bookmark

BrendasUmbrella · 07/02/2018 14:48

Really, she called you names?! Well fuck her then I still think it was a nice gesture, but nice gestures are wasted on some people...

Do you think you'll continue to communicate with him, or are you blocking?

Original poster

PureLife4 · 07/02/2018 14:58

Agh, well, she doesn't know me and if she's got it into her head that i'm after her husband she can probably be forgiven for calling me something rude I guess. I just text him back to say I was sorry his wife was having a hard time and to wish them all the best, but probably I won't be texting him again, which is a bit of a shame because he was quite knowledgeable about certain things and had a decent idea what was what, but I definitely don't want to get in between anyone's marriage.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2018 15:07

He did "have a pop at his wife" though

He said he wished he was married to someone like you. How would any of you "it's all harmless and just friendly" posters like to read a message like that sent secretly to someone else ?

sonjadog · 07/02/2018 15:22

I might not like it but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they were having an affair either.

Your interraction with him sounded normal to me, OP. But I’m someone who will chat to just about anyone.

whiskyowl · 07/02/2018 15:34

It sounds as though he sometimes crossed a line in terms of appropriacy (if I saw my DH saying things like "oh I need to meet a woman like you" to someone else, I would be hurt too) but that this has been platonic on your side, and has been 98% just about your shared hobby. I vote for a grey-area combination of "he's been a bit too much" and "his wife is overreacting a bit".

I wouldn't let it put you off the friendship, but I would very much set the whole thing on a mates-only-can't-be-misinterpreted footing.

mirime · 07/02/2018 16:06

@Delatron

Er, not online! In real life maybe?

I met DH online and we have friends online as well. Not sure why it's different to meeting people any other way?

SnippitySnappity · 07/02/2018 16:16

oh gawd, no, the proto-friendship is a dead dodo isn't it? I tend to agree that I've never been whatsapp'd by a random bloke I haven't met and been lured into exciting hobby chit-chat - not the normal way firendships start.

I agree, the DW probably got upset about the 'woman like you' comment - it's hurtful, he shouldn't have said it.

Original poster

PureLife4 · 07/02/2018 16:17

I think it's really common for people to meet online these days, and for friendships to be struck up over the internet. I think that's just how things tend to be now a days. If we had met in a cafe and had a chat over coffee i think that would have been a greyer area in terms of just making friends.

The thing about finding a woman like me was absolutely a joke, and if you saw it written in the context of the conversation I don't really think it could be misinterpreted as a serious come on.

He has messaged me back to say he's sorry for the drama and to ask if i' found the part i was looking for. I said we probably shouldn't keep chatting since his wife has a problem with it and now he's said he doesn't think he should have to explain his friendships when she is being paranoid.

I have just said i don't think it's a good idea, and will probably have to block him now which seems mean, but I don't really want to get dragged into his marital problems! I just like talking about the dork hobby.

OP posts:

SnippitySnappity · 07/02/2018 16:21

yeah that's exactly why it's dead, isn't it? because now you are in the middle of an unwanted marital drama with the scarlet letter on your bib, you poor thing :) you could just ignore any further texts altogether.

SnippitySnappity · 07/02/2018 16:22

i know what you mean, you could lure me into dork chat about any history topic - i see what you mean about it all being effectively anonymous - a bit like mumsnet!

Delatron · 07/02/2018 16:26

Ok, clearly I have lead a sheltered life as I have never made friends with anyone online....

To be fair it takes me ages to suss people out and work out if I want to be friends so online would be even harder. I'm not open to it. I have enough friends!

Delatron · 07/02/2018 16:29

Interesting OP that despite annoying his wife he is keen to carry on asking you questions, texting and 'being friends' with you.... Also despite you saying to him its best that you don't. He seems keen.

Original poster

PureLife4 · 07/02/2018 16:31

I wouldn't really say we were friends particularly, more acquaintances. I think it was just because the chat was about the hobby that I got drawn into it, i don't generally make online friends, but I know my OH has people he would consider friends from a game he plays online. I'm sure he feels closer to them sometimes than to uni friends he sees a few times a year. It just seemed to escalate so fast

OP posts:

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