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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accidental Emotional Affair?

113 replies

PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 09:58

This is going to sound a bit barmy. I posted an add on Gumtree a few months back advertising an item connected to my hobby for sale. I was contacted through the app thing by someone to say they had this particular item but did I have any other variations for sale. I responded to say I didn't have anything else at the minute but would probably have finished with something similar in a couple of months so I would bare them in mind.

They replied to say something along the lines of its unusual to find a female who is interested in this kind of thing and that he is usually left chatting to other men about it and that his wife hates his hobby but he's trying to encourage his daughter to take it up.

I respond to say my Oh doesn't get it either so I feel his pain. All fine. Nothing more comes of it.

A couple of days later he texts me on whattsapp sending through a picture of his newest purchase. I say it looks great etc etc

few days after that he texts to see if i can help him out with a missing part, which as it happens I can. I get his address and post it.

We chat on and off over the next few months, all hobby related, heads up on good deals etc. I didn't think much of it.

Have now been contacted by his wife to say I need to stop my affair with her husband. Have I been totally out of line? Full disclosure he would sometimes say things like oh I need to meet a woman like you, but always seemed in a sort of banter context, and as he was married with children I didn't think anything of it.

I didn't know that gumtree was some kind of tinder equivalent, have I just been naive?

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 06/02/2018 10:50

No you didn’t do anything wrong. You talked about a mutual interest with another human being.

An emotional affair is when you direct emotions and discussions about private matters that should be with your partner to another person. Not hey I just saw this item advertised on eBay.

Karigan1 · 06/02/2018 10:51

I would reply too btw and tell her she’s being ridiculous

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/02/2018 10:53

I wouldn't reply, she doesn't deserve that and OP is not required to be a 'friend of the marriage', she's not a friend of either of them.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/02/2018 10:59

Maybe she's insecure/jealous, or maybe he's been teasing her that he's found a woman he can talk to, etc.

You've done nothing wrong, but it might be nice to reply and set her mind at rest!

NotReadyToMove · 06/02/2018 10:59

This is not an affair.
Some people are very insecure.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/02/2018 11:00

OP is not required to be a 'friend of the marriage', she's not a friend of either of them

Sometimes it's nice to be nice?

PushMyButton · 06/02/2018 11:01

This is exactly what keeps happening to me! I become friends with some over a shared interest, we chat online as a result, partner suddenly accuses us of having an affair that I never would've had any interest in anyway and then I lose the friend!

I'm utterly fed up of it... I genuinely don't think you've done anything wrong at all, and they need to look seriously at their relationship and trust issues and sort it out!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/02/2018 11:05

Brenda It is. Where exactly is the wife being nice?

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 06/02/2018 11:06

What Getshitdone said.

UpstartCrow · 06/02/2018 11:06

Its not an affair, its not even an emotional affair. It's just a casual friendship. You're not chatting to each other every night and you don't meet up.
Dont feel bad about it, you dont know whats been said between them or what state their marriage is in.

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 06/02/2018 11:08

Tell the wife she's barking up the wrong tree. Either he's a serial cheat or she's got some control issues. Probably not a great basis for a friendship. Which is a shame.

Original poster
PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 11:09

I definitely don't want her to think anything has happened, but the other thing is if she has seen our messages, which presumably she has or she wouldn't have my number, she will see there is nothing at all incriminating there, the fact he even has the messages should surely indicate that it is innocent?

I will just text to say I think she has got the wrong end of the stick, we were just chatting about a shared interest and i'm sorry if it has caused her some upset? Do I text him to tell him? Or is that crossing a line?

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 06/02/2018 11:11

Sounds like they have trust issues in their marriage.

You haven't done anything wrong.

BrendasUmbrella · 06/02/2018 11:13

Where exactly is the wife being nice?

But it may look different from her perspective. Maybe the husband is being evasive, maybe he's even telling her he's found someone better? Or perhaps he never said a word about the OP and now she's found a long whatsapp thread with flirty messages from him. It wouldn't hurt the OP to message her and tell her she's mistaken, and if she doesn't respond positively Op can just block them and leave them both to get on with it. But when you may be able to remove someone's distress, it's nice to give it a go.

Original poster
PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 11:13

My OH is now laughing himself stupid that I am an "OW" i'm completely mortified. He thinks it's hilarious that i've landed my self in a situation. Blush

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 06/02/2018 11:13

I'd text her back saying that you are happily married and resent being told you are having an affair when you most certainly are not.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2018 11:13

You did nothing wrong op. No one would judge if he was a woman. Tell him he needs to sort out his own marriage didn't not drag you into it. Perhaps he has form and she's fed up but she needs to talk to him not you

BrendasUmbrella · 06/02/2018 11:14

I wouldn't bother texting him. Just text her. If she's happy she'll smooth things over. If she is a combative person it's best not to get too caught up. If you message him and she reads it, she may think you're warning him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/02/2018 11:28

Brenda well if that's the case then the wife is hardly going to believe 'the OW' (poor OP!) then, is she? She's not going to take the word of a random stranger over the man who made all kinds of vows to her.

She has already believed her husband, hence the contacting of the blameless OP. What else is there to be said to her? If I were being nice, I'd just block rather than give her a piece of my mind.

Peanutbuttercheese · 06/02/2018 11:30

I am in to gaming and speak on mic, plenty of women game but it's rare to bump in to a woman who will speak in a public lobby. Of my friends list only about 5% are women because that how many I have bumped in to in the game word.

Over the years some of my friends wives and girlfriends have become a bit funny with them gaming with a woman. I have had to speak on mic to some of these women because they want to know me, they don't do this with their partners male friends.

It is jealousy because it's a shared love of something they are sharing with another woman and they feel left out. It is insecurity but we have no idea what this guy has got up to in the past, maybe he is a serial cheater.

DH knows I game with lots of male gamers and he really doesn't care. He has spoken on mic twice to friends to do an impression of someone in a game I play as he sounds just like him. Much hilarity ensued.

I would set her mind at rest, I feel sorry for women who feel this insecure.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/02/2018 11:32

I suspect her problem is he possibly talks about you constantly so she thinks it’s an issue or he talks about you and she’s seen messages where he says he needs to meet a woman like you (that’s not banter it’s unplesant conduct from someone in a relationship) it’s not your fault but she’s doing the I can’t blame him thing

OutyMcOutface · 06/02/2018 11:33

It sounds like it was one sided but it's pretty obvious what was going on.

Original poster
PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 11:45

If it was the other way round I don't think I could get any steam built up over it, my OH actually goes on movie dates with one of his female friends because I would rather poke myself in the eye than sit through foreign films where I can't read quick enough to know what's going on Grin

Hi needing to find a woman like me was accompanied by a little laughing emoji, I think it was literally just a joke because we shared a similar opinion on a divisive aspect of our hobby. Like even if his wife was into the same thing, she wouldn't necessarily have shared our common view. The height of it is a few texts now and again but only if there is something to talk about, and never off topic.

OP posts:
SingingSeuss · 06/02/2018 11:58

Absolutely people should be able to WhatsApp friends of a different sex, I would find it weird if someone I interacted with on gumtree sent me a WhatsApp message though (male or female). I use WhatsApp like email text or Facebook, to message people I know in real life. I agree you did nothing wrong, but it sounds like he was after something more.

saladdays66 · 06/02/2018 12:05

Sounds like his wife is jealous or insecure for some reason. We have no ideaa if he has been unfaithful in the past so if she's being justified or not - we don't have enough info.

But you have done nothing to be ashamed of, nothing wrong, and nor has he, from what you've posted.

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