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AIBU?

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Original poster

Accidental Emotional Affair?

113 replies

PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 09:58

This is going to sound a bit barmy. I posted an add on Gumtree a few months back advertising an item connected to my hobby for sale. I was contacted through the app thing by someone to say they had this particular item but did I have any other variations for sale. I responded to say I didn't have anything else at the minute but would probably have finished with something similar in a couple of months so I would bare them in mind.

They replied to say something along the lines of its unusual to find a female who is interested in this kind of thing and that he is usually left chatting to other men about it and that his wife hates his hobby but he's trying to encourage his daughter to take it up.

I respond to say my Oh doesn't get it either so I feel his pain. All fine. Nothing more comes of it.

A couple of days later he texts me on whattsapp sending through a picture of his newest purchase. I say it looks great etc etc

few days after that he texts to see if i can help him out with a missing part, which as it happens I can. I get his address and post it.

We chat on and off over the next few months, all hobby related, heads up on good deals etc. I didn't think much of it.

Have now been contacted by his wife to say I need to stop my affair with her husband. Have I been totally out of line? Full disclosure he would sometimes say things like oh I need to meet a woman like you, but always seemed in a sort of banter context, and as he was married with children I didn't think anything of it.

I didn't know that gumtree was some kind of tinder equivalent, have I just been naive?

OP posts:
Delatron · 06/02/2018 12:07

I just don't know why you would waste time messaging a man you've never met and aren't friends with. Of course there's no affair but I'm not surprised the wife thinks it's strange.

StickThatInYourPipe · 06/02/2018 12:15

I just don't know why you would waste time messaging a man you've never met and aren't friends with. Of course there's no affair but I'm not surprised the wife thinks it's strange

Really? But they are talking about a hobby, how else do you think people become friends?

Delatron · 06/02/2018 12:46

Yes but she's never met him. So how does she know what kind of person he is? So they're going to meet up and become friends?

I run an Instagram account. I had a strange man messaging me about something related. I replied a couple of times then ignored him. If felt weird and wrong. I don't need to make friends with random men and if my DH was messaging women he'd just met on the internet constantly then I'd think that was strange too.

I have enough real life friends who I struggle to fit in time to see and message let alone random people I've never met before.

Katinkka · 06/02/2018 13:21

I’m a gamer and someone I used to game with was accused of having some sort of affair with me. We didn’t even have flirtatious banter. I was completely mystified but it is not uncommon.

Original poster
PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 14:16

It was just casual chat about a shared hobby, I wouldn't say we were friends necessarily, but I didn't see any harm in a few messages back and forth every so often. It's actually such a small community that it is a surprise we hadn't crossed paths until now, but I don't think we would have gone for a coffee to chat about climate change or anything. It was basically just like there is a deal here you might be interested in or one time him saying it was his birthday so he was going to get a treat of whatever hobby related thing.

I messaged his wife back anyway and said I was sorry if i had made her feel uncomfortable, but we were innocently chatting about our hobby, and there was nothing that crossed the line or gave me cause for concern and that I am actually also married (which i'm not, but I had told him I was before).

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 06/02/2018 14:22

I wouldn’t worry about it at all. She’s obviously insecure or he’s got form for cheating. You’ve done nothing wrong.

IsThisADream · 06/02/2018 14:33

Wow. Sounds like nothing to me, lol.

Original poster
PureLife4 · 06/02/2018 14:34

I'll just be more cautious in future *smacks forehead

OP posts:
Estellanpip · 06/02/2018 17:29

Sounds like she's sick of her husband finding excuses to message other women. Gumtree? Come on!
I get messages on Facebook and IG from men and I block them all. They are usually taken and after something. They certainly aren't looking for 'friendship'.

Delatron · 06/02/2018 18:57

Exactly Estellanpip. That was the point I was trying to make. Whilst you haven't done anything wrong OP. It's naive to think men like this are just after a friendly chat.

PushMyButton · 06/02/2018 19:12

So @Delatron and @Estellanpip ... If it were a woman who shared the OP's hobby, sending the exact same messages it would be fine- but because it's a man, he must want sex?

Delatron · 06/02/2018 19:17

No, a woman messaging a random man would be dodgy too. Nothing sexist about it, it's just less likely to happen.

Estellanpip · 06/02/2018 19:23

What Delatron said.

PushMyButton · 06/02/2018 20:05

No you missed my point... You seem to be saying that because they're the opposite gender to the OP that they must want sex... Are you saying if they were the same gender it would be fine?

Estellanpip · 06/02/2018 20:09

Gender is irrelevant.

PushMyButton · 06/02/2018 20:22

So how on earth could you ever strike up a new friendship with anyone?

Delatron · 06/02/2018 20:25

Er, not online! In real life maybe? Current large friendship circle consists of friends from school, uni, then people I've met when I moved to this town, through my children and through work!

Not some random men who message me via gumtree...

GetShitDone · 06/02/2018 20:26

Theres a difference between messaging randomly and trying to hit on someone, and messaging about a mutual interest that one person might be able to help the other with.

Estellanpip · 06/02/2018 20:43

Ok then, say I'm into tattoos and I message some guy I've never met before, 'oh I noticed your tatts, which artist do you recommend? My dp doesn't have any, it's rare to see someone with the exact same style I like, I wish I was with someone like you ;)' then continue the conversation on a more personal platform which uses their mobile number, would that count as striking up a friendship? Or be seen as snakey and weird?

GetShitDone · 06/02/2018 20:49
Hmm

If that was how it happened it would be weird, yes.

But it's not, so your post is entirely irrelevant.

Estellanpip · 06/02/2018 20:52

That's how OP described his messages. I just gave a summary and included a hypothetical mutual interest.

Delatron · 06/02/2018 20:56

I've reread the OP. The man does indeed contact her through gumtree saying his wife has no interest in his hobby and how unusual it s to find a woman who is. A few days later he sends her a picture through What's App a few days later he texts her again!! Hmmm

Delatron · 06/02/2018 20:57

Oh and I missed this he actually said 'I need to meet a woman like you'.

But no, completely innocent on his behalf.

WingsofNylon · 06/02/2018 21:00

Ugh, at his first mention of 'it's hard to find women interested in this hobby'I would have been out off. Why on earth does it matter if he has to talk to other man about it instead. You then say he later mentions needing to find a woman like you. I would have found that really odd.

I do think you have been incredibly naive if you really didn't think he was testing the waters.

Was it an affair? No, not even an emotional one but you have to see how upsetting it would be for a wide to find messages that criticise herwhile complimenting you would be.

Id respond saying "while i cant speak for your husband i can categorically say that I have no feeling forhim and to my knowledge have not encouraged him to believe otherwise. Nor, have I ever felt that he has any feelings for me."

But my feling OK, is that this isn't entirely true. I think you were more aware than you let on.

PutUpWithRain · 06/02/2018 21:29

Blimey. If this counts as an emotional affair, I must be having at least four without even being aware of it, because those blokes have become my friends through shared hobbies and interests and we chat all the time about all sorts of shit. Sometimes - clutch your pearls - we even meet up for a coffee or a pint without a chaperone EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE ALL MARRIED AND WE MET ONLINE.

Their wives know about me, a couple have actually met me on nights out, and they're all spectacularly unbothered by our friendship, because they know that's all it is. Plus, I wouldn't be friends with a bloke I thought would cheat on his partner.

Have you heard anything back OP?