Would this woman annoy you?

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

I moved to DP's neck of the woods. We're in our 30s. He has a best friend called F. F has a girlfriend, S. The three of them have known each other since they were teenagers, which is when F and S started going out. They've been together ever since.

My DP is ripped and missed his calling as a personal trainer I reckon. He trains 2 or 3 of his friends, one of whom is F.

Twice a week after work he goes round to F's house to train him. Every now and then F will be running late so DP will have a coffee with S whilst he waits.

S annoys the fuck out of me, but that was only something I started feeling gradually because of various things that came to light: she started using these impromptu coffee sessions with DP to bitch about F. How he doesnt take care of himself, how he never wants to do anything, how he never makes an effort, the usual long term relationship ranting. From an outsiders POV, I would say shes just as bad (never wants to do anything etc) and just uses her partner as a convenient excuse for her own shortcomings if you see what I mean. Essentially I feel she's a little hypocritical to try and get the male sympathy vote.

What bothers me is the way she essentially slags her partner off to my DP. And then DP will give him a ribbing for being out of shape, smoking too much, I dont know. It just feels weird.

At the beginning, DP encouraged me to "get her out and about". I just arrived in town but have always been a sociable creature and quite quickly found myself with a few friends to do stuff with, nights out and cultural stuff, etc. Initially I did as he asked because I thought me and S could get along, but she never really made an effort and kept turning down my invites - fair enough, thats her right.

But then she'll bitch to my DP about how she doesnt have any female friends. I think she might be the kind of woman who sees other women as a permanent threat if you see what I mean? They only ever tend to have F's male friends over, where she'll sort of flirt and play a kind of ingenue role.

DP and her obviously have known each other for years but they also have a bond because they both lost a parent so I know she has really helped him with that.

I dont know why I'm writing this. I'm very confident that DP wouldnt cheat. I trust him. If anything was going to happen it would have happened by now - they've had 20 years. Its more like I feel her behaviour is slightly inappropriate and I dont know how to deal with her when we socialise as couples. Obviously when I'm there theres no bitching about F. In fact the tables are turned slightly because I like F a lot and have a lot in common with him, and we often find ourselves discussing science, coding etc, which I think throws the other 2 off because they're used to F being kind of on the back foot. I treat S "congenially" if I may so, but I cant help feeling irritated with her.

I feel like she oversteps the mark with my DP when I'm not there - it just grates on me but I cant really understand why.

Am I being pathetic? Have you had a similar situation? Would she irritate you too? Or am I being unfair? I'm just looking for some perspective. Sorry for length!

They've all been friends for years, so will have a specific dynamic that perhaps you don't like?

Maybe it's not her behaviour towards your DP and her DP, but that you just don't like her?

She's probably got another thread on here saying "my DP and I have been friends with L for years and years, his new DP, Glitter, now changes the dynamic totally. I can't be myself around her, and she takes offence to the playful ribbing that my male friend and I have always given my DP. I feel she uses this against me to get close to him, they have a shared hobby, and although I know he'd never cheat - should I be worried?"

I think that as they’ve been friends for 20 years you need to let go of the sense of threat you feel from her. He’s clearly ok with her and it’s his choice who he is friends with. It certainly doesn’t sound like there’s any romantic element to their dynamic so there’s nothing worry about. You don’t have to like her but you can respect that your dp does.

Do you think that the route of it is that she bitched a lot? I always find that very offputting even if in specific circumstances I understand the reasons (I have a friend who bitches about other peoples children, which I understand comes from her being overprotective of her own son rather than malicious but jeez). I think it's for two reasons: 1, it's uncomfortable and you have to choose between confronting them and feeling aggressive or trying to ignore/steer the conversation away and feeling complicit. 2. I'm always left with the suspicion that they may well bitch about me when I'm not around which obviously stops me trusting them....
basically, bitchy people make me nervous/defensive and that's got nothing to do with them threatening my relationship

You’re not obliged to like her,and she grates on your nerves.
But as you say she was a good support to your dp after his bereavement
So you’ll simply have to accept whilst you two won’t get on, that’s its an enduring friendship for your dp

Before I would do anything or say anything or complain about her in anyway to your partner or her own partner, I caution you to remember these are his friends of 20 years! And remember how the saying goes " Girlfriends/Boyfriends come and go, but friends are for life" think of how many girlfriends have come and gone in the 20 years for your partner, but his friends are still there, be careful how you approach this as he may not appreciate you criticising his friends and he may not like you being jealous of him sitting talking with his female friend of 20 years, and if you pursue and push it, he may think it's too hard work and choose them as they have always been in his life, you havent

Why don’t you just tell your dp to stop telling you about all the bitching she’s doing. He sounds just as bad by coming home and relaying it all to you.

You said she annoys the fuck out of you, but it doesn’t seem like it’s because of how she interacts with you but simply because she interacts with your DP - a friend she has had for 20 years.

She may well want to socialise with other women but just not you - because you are making it very clear you don’t like her. Clearly her BF and DP do like her.

You need to be very careful as if you carry on you will be the one dropped, not S.

I think she sounds like a typical woman who likes flirting with men and plays the ‘woman don’t really like me (cos I’m so beautiful)’ card. I hate that.

I would be wary of her around my other half she sounds dangerous. Anyone like that is looking to have one up over their fellow women so beware. And NEVER be so confident as to think your other half wouldn’t cheat. He is only human. The fact they’ve had 20 years to do it means nothing.

Oh and don’t listen to everyone making you feel bad. The woman sounds like an arsehole.

People like that irritate the life out of me in general. As soon as someone starts moaning about their partner, I do a runner. Why spend your life with someone if all you do is moan about them? I find it draining and two faced and if they are willing to constantly moan about their own partner, they are basically willing to do it about everyone.

Not only that but it is putting your husband in a position. If it was 2 women talking about a 3rd behind her back they would be labelled massive b*tches.

People who bitch a lot irl irritate the fuck out of me. So yanbu to dislike her. It sounds like your DP joins in though, so I wouldn’t be that impressed with him either.

I feel like she oversteps the mark with my DP when I'm not there

I also don’t understand this. What mark? Presumably being friends for so many years, they have often had times where they’ll have coffee together.

Or simply because she bitches to your DP? Because again, she may have been doing this for years - maybe she hopes if she bitches enough to your DP he will encourage his friend to stop smoking and look after himself.

maybe she hopes if she bitches enough to your DP he will encourage his friend to stop smoking and look after himself.

Yeah maybe, but even so, I really don’t like people who pull this sort of shit. It’s so manipulative and sneaky. I’d be put off by the op’s dp playing along too tbh. Poor F!

She is someone who would annoy me, and I'd probably back away a little, because I don't invest much in friendships that have little return, which is exactly what you've done.

However, her bitching to your DP etc. is nothing to do with you, you aren't even there when it happens. Tell your DP you aren't interested in hearing about her complaints etc. as it's putting you off her.

The dynamic between the three of them has existed for years, and it must be a bit hard for you. It's important your DP doesn't drag you in, as much as he seems to want to include you. Just keep doing what you're doing (maintaining your own social life, keep introducing DP to new friends, and support his friendships with old friends too)

Movingonuppppp
Or 'I've got these friends and we've been friends for years, me and my DP are absolutely fine with the friendship group. But and every now friend gets a new girlfriend and she has an issue with our banter because I have a fanjo. It's really getting old now. Seriously just chill out'.

I've got a great mixed sex group of friends (including DH). Some of my closest friends happen to be men but I've got a great group of girl friends (but do find i pick my fenale friends carefully as I find female friendshio dynamics really quite bitchy at times). I've also found myself on the recieving end of new girlfriends not liking the fact i was in the pub with 'their man' (read group of friends in the pub) and was 'flirting' (read engaging in our standard friendship banter). It does get annoying. Needless to say, our friendship is still the same. Partners have added to it over the years and the women who had an issue with friendly joking aren't on the scene anymore.

Why is it “playful banter” when it’s between a woman and her man friends, yet women are too bitchy to be friends with ? I hate this stereotyping. Two of my best friends are men and I also have a brother. All three are at least as bitchy as any woman I’m friends with.

When women say this along with “their girlfriends are jealous of me” I always think, “are you sure it’s not that they pick up on your weird attitude to other women and that you’re probably a bit territorial over ‘your’ man friends”?

@Movingonuppppp
Exactly.

@MaisyPops
No, sorry.

I'm not socially oblivious, obviously I understand banter and piss taking etc. He has lots of friends male and female who he is close to and has that banter with him and I like that about him. Its nothing to do with "friendly joking" - I feel like she definitely fancies my DP tbh.

@TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag
Amen.

I'm not talking about bitching or taking the piss when F is there. I'm talking about specifically bitching about how lonely and misunderstood she feels in her relationship (with his best friend), how neglected and uncared for she feels, as if she's some kind of magical dove thats being trapped in a cage - bitching about all this WHEN F ISNT THERE.

It just makes me think - first of all, get a friend to dissect this with rather than my DP who you clearly fancy, amd second of all if you're unhappy why not grow some balls and strike out on your own like we've all experienced, rather than stay with tje same guy from 16 to 32

first of all, get a friend to dissect this with rather than my DP who you clearly fancy, amd second of all if you're unhappy why not grow

Does she clearly fancy him? Do you know this? Are you projecting your own insecurities onto this?

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz
If you're reasonable and fine with banter like I mentioned then maybe there's something up with her.
Maybe she does fancy your DP.
Maybe they've been friends for years, he knows her partner well and she feels it's a safe friendship to seek advice.

If you trust your DP (anf it sounds like you do) thrn you don't have to like this woman but she is his friend and unless she does sonethinv then i think you've probably just got to get on with it.

It’s the dynamic though they have both created over the years, one which you DP certainly encourages and one which you learn about from him
It’s noticeable in all of your dislike of how she treats her boyfriend he treats his best friend in the same way and tells you about it presumably because he thinks it’s funny and makes him feel better about himself