Would this woman annoy you?

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

I moved to DP's neck of the woods. We're in our 30s. He has a best friend called F. F has a girlfriend, S. The three of them have known each other since they were teenagers, which is when F and S started going out. They've been together ever since.

My DP is ripped and missed his calling as a personal trainer I reckon. He trains 2 or 3 of his friends, one of whom is F.

Twice a week after work he goes round to F's house to train him. Every now and then F will be running late so DP will have a coffee with S whilst he waits.

S annoys the fuck out of me, but that was only something I started feeling gradually because of various things that came to light: she started using these impromptu coffee sessions with DP to bitch about F. How he doesnt take care of himself, how he never wants to do anything, how he never makes an effort, the usual long term relationship ranting. From an outsiders POV, I would say shes just as bad (never wants to do anything etc) and just uses her partner as a convenient excuse for her own shortcomings if you see what I mean. Essentially I feel she's a little hypocritical to try and get the male sympathy vote.

What bothers me is the way she essentially slags her partner off to my DP. And then DP will give him a ribbing for being out of shape, smoking too much, I dont know. It just feels weird.

At the beginning, DP encouraged me to "get her out and about". I just arrived in town but have always been a sociable creature and quite quickly found myself with a few friends to do stuff with, nights out and cultural stuff, etc. Initially I did as he asked because I thought me and S could get along, but she never really made an effort and kept turning down my invites - fair enough, thats her right.

But then she'll bitch to my DP about how she doesnt have any female friends. I think she might be the kind of woman who sees other women as a permanent threat if you see what I mean? They only ever tend to have F's male friends over, where she'll sort of flirt and play a kind of ingenue role.

DP and her obviously have known each other for years but they also have a bond because they both lost a parent so I know she has really helped him with that.

I dont know why I'm writing this. I'm very confident that DP wouldnt cheat. I trust him. If anything was going to happen it would have happened by now - they've had 20 years. Its more like I feel her behaviour is slightly inappropriate and I dont know how to deal with her when we socialise as couples. Obviously when I'm there theres no bitching about F. In fact the tables are turned slightly because I like F a lot and have a lot in common with him, and we often find ourselves discussing science, coding etc, which I think throws the other 2 off because they're used to F being kind of on the back foot. I treat S "congenially" if I may so, but I cant help feeling irritated with her.

I feel like she oversteps the mark with my DP when I'm not there - it just grates on me but I cant really understand why.

Am I being pathetic? Have you had a similar situation? Would she irritate you too? Or am I being unfair? I'm just looking for some perspective. Sorry for length!

I don't think you are over reacting. What Wintertime4 said.
Their dynamic has been the two of them are higher in the group pecking order than her DP and they entertainingly take the mick out of him it's all friendly fun, except a bit wearing for her DP I imagine.
She's got used to that 3 dynamic and now you are 4, her status in the group is challenged. I'd be worried that she's running her DP down to yours and expecting him to do the same in a "lets all moan about our DPs", because that has become a habit over the years. Tell your dp tha you just don't like this and that you hope he will not moan about you to her as she does to him about her DP, and talk to you about an issue instead.
How did she get on with his previous partners?
It's probably upset the applecart a bit that you are treating her DP with respect and having intelligent conversations with him when his role has previously been to be the butt of all jokes.
It's probably not worth investing too much in the issue and giving it more power than it really has in your relationship with DP or breaking up long term friendship, but I think you are right to be slightly wary of her. I don't like people who entertain themselves by taking the p out of others all the time to make themselves look superior. They are pains in the neck and not as much fun to spend time with as they think they are. Sounds like their childhood "friendship" has not matured at the same rate as the rest of their lives. Maybe move the friendship more into a four of you thing, rather than just a two of them.

I agree that her behaviour is extremely offputting. It is totally draining to have to listen to negativity all the time especially when the other person is not a great role model.

DH has a friend with such a wife and he always changes the topic or becomes detached when she tries to critisise his friend. So she doesn't do it anymore. In fact, she has asked for my number so she could bitch to me about her DH too but DH refused on the spot. As a good friend he has tried to talk to him about things he is concerned about him but that's about it. DH used to listen to her a lot more but she put him off with the constant negativity and hypocrisy.

Ask your DP if he could distance himself from such conversations and say that he is uncomfortable. E.g. "DP eats and smokes too much" reply: "don't we all have our faults, why don't we talk about F's new hobby, really interesting, isn't it?".

You should never become entangled to somebody else's relationship.