Would this woman annoy you?

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

I moved to DP's neck of the woods. We're in our 30s. He has a best friend called F. F has a girlfriend, S. The three of them have known each other since they were teenagers, which is when F and S started going out. They've been together ever since.

My DP is ripped and missed his calling as a personal trainer I reckon. He trains 2 or 3 of his friends, one of whom is F.

Twice a week after work he goes round to F's house to train him. Every now and then F will be running late so DP will have a coffee with S whilst he waits.

S annoys the fuck out of me, but that was only something I started feeling gradually because of various things that came to light: she started using these impromptu coffee sessions with DP to bitch about F. How he doesnt take care of himself, how he never wants to do anything, how he never makes an effort, the usual long term relationship ranting. From an outsiders POV, I would say shes just as bad (never wants to do anything etc) and just uses her partner as a convenient excuse for her own shortcomings if you see what I mean. Essentially I feel she's a little hypocritical to try and get the male sympathy vote.

What bothers me is the way she essentially slags her partner off to my DP. And then DP will give him a ribbing for being out of shape, smoking too much, I dont know. It just feels weird.

At the beginning, DP encouraged me to "get her out and about". I just arrived in town but have always been a sociable creature and quite quickly found myself with a few friends to do stuff with, nights out and cultural stuff, etc. Initially I did as he asked because I thought me and S could get along, but she never really made an effort and kept turning down my invites - fair enough, thats her right.

But then she'll bitch to my DP about how she doesnt have any female friends. I think she might be the kind of woman who sees other women as a permanent threat if you see what I mean? They only ever tend to have F's male friends over, where she'll sort of flirt and play a kind of ingenue role.

DP and her obviously have known each other for years but they also have a bond because they both lost a parent so I know she has really helped him with that.

I dont know why I'm writing this. I'm very confident that DP wouldnt cheat. I trust him. If anything was going to happen it would have happened by now - they've had 20 years. Its more like I feel her behaviour is slightly inappropriate and I dont know how to deal with her when we socialise as couples. Obviously when I'm there theres no bitching about F. In fact the tables are turned slightly because I like F a lot and have a lot in common with him, and we often find ourselves discussing science, coding etc, which I think throws the other 2 off because they're used to F being kind of on the back foot. I treat S "congenially" if I may so, but I cant help feeling irritated with her.

I feel like she oversteps the mark with my DP when I'm not there - it just grates on me but I cant really understand why.

Am I being pathetic? Have you had a similar situation? Would she irritate you too? Or am I being unfair? I'm just looking for some perspective. Sorry for length!

If she was a new girlfriend on the scene then I would agree that she probably fancied your DH. But they've all been friends for so long that this seems unlikely. And you'll have to find a way to adjust to it, as she won't be going away anytime soon.

You don't have to be friends with her. Just tell your DH not to tell you about her bitching, that would annoy me, too.

Just a thought - they've been friends since they were teenagers, so maybe revert to better teenagers when they're together?

I think this is just a clash of personalities thing. Hopefully over time she’ll chill out and at that point you’ll feel more than cordial towards her.

first of all, get a friend to dissect this with rather than my DP

She is discussing it with a friend.

It sounds as though there's a degree of safety-netting happening: your DP has been a kind of emotional support to this woman for years. Maybe she's seen him as a potential hypothetical partner in the event that something doesn't work out with F, maybe they are just friends. Clearly she doesn't fancy him THAT much - so this is probably a matter of a psychological insecurity rather than anything more.

How long have you lived in this new place? It takes a while to shift the dynamics of a relationship like this to take account of a new person. You trust your DH not to cheat, so have some faith that this chang ewill happen over time as she gets used to the idea that you are a committed couple. It's not that they will become less close, but the boundaries of what seems appropriate should change.

they've been friends since they were teenagers, so maybe revert to better teenagers when they're together?
I'm like that with one of my uni friends. We regress to being stupid at times. Thankfully his DP (friend of mine originally) and ny DH just roll their eyes and humour us. Nothinh has ever happened between us. Nothing will ever happen between us. We just act like big kids.

How do you know this happens? Does he come home and tell you or do you go and sit and wait in their house while he trains his friend? If he's coming home and complaining that his friend is moaning too much then to him to deal with it, shes not your friend and she doesn't want to be so there's bugger all you can do other than get annoyed at her because of the tales your partner is telling and that's not fair on either you or her.

I think you’re jealous op. Leave them to it

It's interesting that you think she's the one who sees other women as a threat, because that's obviously how you feel about her. You may not be worried that your partner will cheat, but you've straight up said that you think she fancies him.

They've all been friends for nigh on 20 years though, so while you're not obliged to like S, I think you do need to just accept that they are who they are and they have this dynamic. It existed long before you came along.

You could ask your partner not to relay the bitching to you, though. I wouldn't want to hear it either.

Well your last post makes you sound bitchy

Do you spend a lot of time hitching to your friends about her and revelling in their agreement?

Your posts here say a lot more about you than they do about her

You are jealous and threatened by her.

Your partner keeps relaying information to you that is making you feel this way.

Ask yourself why he wants you to know all these things she says.

Yes this woman would really grate on me. She’s annoying as hell.

I hate the way some people, often women, only seem to forge a bond through slagging off their significant people. Your DP is too dumb to see it though. She is treading on your territory - by using her own DPs weaknesses. Pretty low. If this was a one off, fine, but coffee sessions that are regular? Bit yucky.

However her DP is allowing this by always being late. Fools!

To minimise the getting under your skin, just plant seeds of doubt to your DP. Like ‘oh it’s a shame she is always unhappy with F, do you think she’ll divorce? I wouldn’t be telling my male friend if I was unhappy with you... ‘ - or joking... ‘maybe she fancies you’ etc.

Invite them both around for dinner and talk a lot to F ignoring her. They won’t notice. She will... mwah ha haaa

You won't many objective views here OP, you will mainly get women saying that they have male friends who they don't fancy, and that you're just jeluz.

It's impossible for us to know whether she fancies your DP or not. But you know them and if you say she does I will take that at face value.

I do find people who whine a lot about their relationship but don't get out of them boring and disloyal.

Put the two things together you don't have to like her, and perhaps limit the amount of time you spend with her.

You can't limit the amount your DP sees her as they have been friends so long but you can keep an eye on her if you think she would like to jump ship to your DP.

You can also stress that her bitching about F makes you uncomfortable as he's a nice guy and feel she's disprespecting him.

I also suspect this is simple jealousy. You don't like them spending time together and perceive her as a threat. As soon as I started reading your post I thought it and the bit about him not cheating and if anything were to happen etc confirmed it.

See what I mean?

She is treading on your territory

He’s a person, not a parcel of land.

See what I mean?

No.

She does sound really annoying.

Why is your dp coming home and gossiping to you about every little detail of her venting about her partner? He's being disloyal to her and he's winding you up. Tell him you don't want to hear about it.

You say you think she fancies him. Do you think he fancies her? I suspect if he did, he wouldn't be telling you all this stuff, but maybe he is trying to make you jealous.

soup territory is OPs relationship. He’s her person, her DP. Of course there’s a territorial issue - it’s not free love 1960s!

territory is OPs relationship. He’s her person, her DP.

S was on the scene way before OP. DP having coffee with S (a long term friend) is not something she has a right to stick a boundary on.

I am not sure I would be overjoyed that my dp was having coffee with this 'old friend' who saw it as an opportunity to run down her own relationship, especially if it was happening on a regular basis.

I would probably tell my dp it is making me uncomfortable (can't think F likes it very much either) If you are sensing something isn't right, then maybe it isn't?

He’s her person

Does she have the title papers proving ownership?

What a horrible way of thinking. He is not her property.

BTW you can stick a boundary on anything you like if it makes you uncomfortable.

And don’t be surprised if you find it completely backfires to if you forbid your DP to spend time with a very old friend (and we’re just talking about a brief coffee here - not off out to dinner together or something they could be misconstrued).

Put it this way, I am not sure you would feel in any way worried if she was sat there saying how happy she was with F, and how she sees their future together and your dp was happy for F. The point is she is clearly not very happy with F (at all), the relationship sounds doomed to me, your dp should not be encouraging her disloyalty by joining in.

Personally I think I would want it to stop too, on many levels it is not right.

I am also balking at the word 'old friend' just because you have 'known' someone for 20 years that in itself does not make her an old friend of substance!