Would this woman annoy you?

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

I moved to DP's neck of the woods. We're in our 30s. He has a best friend called F. F has a girlfriend, S. The three of them have known each other since they were teenagers, which is when F and S started going out. They've been together ever since.

My DP is ripped and missed his calling as a personal trainer I reckon. He trains 2 or 3 of his friends, one of whom is F.

Twice a week after work he goes round to F's house to train him. Every now and then F will be running late so DP will have a coffee with S whilst he waits.

S annoys the fuck out of me, but that was only something I started feeling gradually because of various things that came to light: she started using these impromptu coffee sessions with DP to bitch about F. How he doesnt take care of himself, how he never wants to do anything, how he never makes an effort, the usual long term relationship ranting. From an outsiders POV, I would say shes just as bad (never wants to do anything etc) and just uses her partner as a convenient excuse for her own shortcomings if you see what I mean. Essentially I feel she's a little hypocritical to try and get the male sympathy vote.

What bothers me is the way she essentially slags her partner off to my DP. And then DP will give him a ribbing for being out of shape, smoking too much, I dont know. It just feels weird.

At the beginning, DP encouraged me to "get her out and about". I just arrived in town but have always been a sociable creature and quite quickly found myself with a few friends to do stuff with, nights out and cultural stuff, etc. Initially I did as he asked because I thought me and S could get along, but she never really made an effort and kept turning down my invites - fair enough, thats her right.

But then she'll bitch to my DP about how she doesnt have any female friends. I think she might be the kind of woman who sees other women as a permanent threat if you see what I mean? They only ever tend to have F's male friends over, where she'll sort of flirt and play a kind of ingenue role.

DP and her obviously have known each other for years but they also have a bond because they both lost a parent so I know she has really helped him with that.

I dont know why I'm writing this. I'm very confident that DP wouldnt cheat. I trust him. If anything was going to happen it would have happened by now - they've had 20 years. Its more like I feel her behaviour is slightly inappropriate and I dont know how to deal with her when we socialise as couples. Obviously when I'm there theres no bitching about F. In fact the tables are turned slightly because I like F a lot and have a lot in common with him, and we often find ourselves discussing science, coding etc, which I think throws the other 2 off because they're used to F being kind of on the back foot. I treat S "congenially" if I may so, but I cant help feeling irritated with her.

I feel like she oversteps the mark with my DP when I'm not there - it just grates on me but I cant really understand why.

Am I being pathetic? Have you had a similar situation? Would she irritate you too? Or am I being unfair? I'm just looking for some perspective. Sorry for length!

I would scale back the couples get togethers too in favour of other friends you enjoy the company of, this woman sounds very insecure.

Oh so sorry all you wise posters.

Boundaries are silly and for jealous silly people.

I’ll never say again my partner is ‘my’ partner. How very jealous and possessive. He’s not an object!

Renember that thread with the woman who wanted to invite just her male friends round for dinner, excluding the female partners who'd been around for 15 or 20 years? And says it was because she didn't have enough chairs grin*

Oh God. Did that one get deleted? It was gold.

You think she fancies your DP. That is what your feelings are about.

Actually it reminds me about what you coud say to your best (female) friend.
I think it’s not unusual for people to reach out to their friends when they have relationship issues. They seek support and a way to offload as well as being able to discuss things so they can get clearer on what to do next/find the courage to leave.
How many times are people in RL threads being told to go and talk to someone in RL??
It looks like she is relating to your DP in that way (and therefore will not make any comments along those lines when her DP is present. Who would whe you have friends around??).

‘Encouraging disloyalty’???
Because nowdays, talking about your do and your relationship issues to a friend is being disloyal?Does it mean too that we should ne er ever talk to any issue slikw this to anyone and just get on with it on our own, because it’s ‘disloyal’.

It is okay to say you think she fancies him, if that is true. It doesn't make you a jealous, possessive clinger!

Okay so lets say she does you have a few options:

a) ask dp to stop his cosy coffees
b) start going to the PT yourself and join in with cosy coffee (my choice)
c) arrange your own cosy coffee with f to talk about cooking and science and discuss with him his gf lack of loyalty
d) Do nothing, hope for the best and remind yourself she is a lovely old friend and wouldn't dream of cheating

Does dp talk about you to her?

rocketgirl if a female poster came on here saying that their partner wouldn't let them have a coffee alone with an old male friend unless they were there, they'd be told it was control and abuse.

If a male partner passed on comments made in confidence to the partner then he would be slaughtered.

OP just has to let it go, she can't tell him who he can be friends with.

The other thing that's occurred to me is I'm wondering if these bitching sessions are completely one sided. OP may well find herself out on her eye if she starts telling him who he can be friends with...

It's OK not to like her (and she does sound like a bit of a whiny cunt). There is something rather tiresome about the way women are expected to just be friends with their male partner's mates' female partners, whether or not they have anything in common. But, really, the best thing to do is not give her that much headspace. You've tried to build a friendship but it hasn't really got anywhere, so stick to friendships that benefit you and don't bother about her apart from civil small talk during group outiings.

Thanks for your replies guys! For what its worth I'm not a jealous or possessive person and obviously I wont be trying to prevent him from spending time with either of them.

As another poster said, if she was happy in her relationship there wouldnt be an issue. Its the way I gather that whenever they are alone she uses it as an opportunity to express how unhappy she is in her relationship. It should be noted btw that F is very definitely DP's friend and they are very close and do stuff alone. A direct quote from DP: "F is probably my best mate. I get on well with S obviously but to me she's F's partner". In other words the 3 of them have history but the friendship is very much between F and DP - its just that S is always at home.

I dont think I'm going to do anything other than what I do - be nice amd civil to her and leave it at that. I just wanted to know if I was BU in my feelings.

I already told DP I didnt want to hear about it a week or 2 ago, said something like "look I like F and dont really want to hear about any bitching - I dont think its fair and tbh with you, I wouldn't do the same. In other words if I wanted to slag you off I wouldn't choose your best friend to slag you off to."

He nodded and said fair enough.

elton

I don't agree. If a female poster came on and said she was having regular coffees with her personal training male friend to discuss her unhappiness with her relationship, there would be plenty of raised eyebrows I can assure you.

It has NOTHING to do with control and abuse, and everything to do with boundaries and respect.

Op - just so you know I do not think you are BU for one minute. I would think about why it is you can't speak your mind to your dp, if you are close enough you should be able to level with him in a gentle way that the coffees are not such a great idea. Least of all to protect his friendship with F

I think that’s a good point OP. I’m sure your DP wouldn’t feel comfortable if you chose to confide in F about problems in your relationship.

Perhaps you could befriend F? It sounds like he needs a friend. Plus if he starts getting attention from you, and she's the kind of person you suspect she is, she'll start to get possessive and competitive and see him as having more value. Your DP might even get shaken out of the bad habit of slagging him off. Really, it may be the best route to take, especially as you enjoy his company anyway. Ask him out for lunch!

@BrendasUmbrella
Ha! Well I already do that! It's quite interesting really when its the 4 of us as me and F do tend to naturally get involved in some pretty heavy conversations that then veer off into philosophy and theories etc. I noticed that the other 2 were completely silent rather than engaging in a conversation the 2 of them. And I do make a point when I see him of saying he looks well and the sessions with DP seem to ve really paying off - its true, but i also say it to counterbalance the ribbing I feel DP gives him sometimes (and not in a funny way - also he never does in front of me, he recounts it).

Its almost like they've got this 3 way dynamic where:
F is a bit of a punching bag
DP positions himself as a much better person than F
S gives off the vibe of how much happier she would be if she were with someone like DP.

You get the idea?

So I do think that when I'm there (not very often) it kind of topples the dynamic a bit: F is suddenly seen as a desirable and interesting person.

I’ve been in a situation that’s not dissimilar.

I was with my DH but we weren’t married back then. A couple who were friends of ours were having problems with their relationship and the guy chose me to confide in about their issues as we were quite old friends. We worked near each other and used to meet for coffee or lunch.

My husband warned me that he felt this guy fancied me and was presenting his relationship difficulties as a bid for attention and thus not completely upfront. He knew I didn’t fancy the guy so I don’t think he felt threatened, but he did turn out to be right.

Eventually he confessed he was into me but I think he was just afraid to leave a ltr with no alternative on the horizon.

They’re married to other people now.

Oh xpost. Not similar to that particular dynamic which doesn’t sound very nice. Why does your DP treat his friend like that? That could be you one day.

Also - do you think your DP enjoys S telling her how unhappy she is with F as it feeds his ego? Perhaps he does realise she fancies him and likes that too.

It sounds like: your DP isn't a very good friend/not a nice person, the girlfriend is genuinely unhappy, and that you two don't like each other as you both feel like the other is encroaching on the other's territory.
You don't have to socialise together.

You don’t have to like her but you would be totally unreasonable to do anything about it.
They’ve been friends for donkey’s years.. if she wants to tell her friend of 20 years that she’s unhappy in her relationship, then she can. It’s got nothing to do with you really!
If you’re worried she fancies him, that’s another matter. But it doesn’t sound like either she or your partner have done anything inappropriate.

@TatianaLarina
Yes, I completely think that.

I think my DP is the kind of guy who needs external validation, and that until recently F made him feel a bit insecure. F has a well paid and very intellectual job whereas DP is smart but bounced between periods of unemployment and manual labour. F kind of progressed through the typical milestones of life, bought a house, etc. So i think subconsciously despite being close friends, DP felt a need to reassert his "value" due to a lack of confidence - that would be via through what good physical shape he's in, etc.
So probably subconsciously S feeds into something he enjoys telling himself ("so you can have a great job and a house and all but you're not all that!).

S meanwhile I just see as a kind of passive person with a bit of a martyr complex which I guess is why we wouldnt be friends if we met independently. I can't really respect someone who stays with a guy for over a decade whilst disrespecting him, just because its safer. I also think she uses him as a distraction and shield ("I would be a much more active/interesting person if only he didnt hold me back..."). The irony being he's the one who works in a pretty fascinating field in the city near us, whilst she chooses to stay at home (no kids).

Blimey, this post is glowing neon green.

You are very down in this woman. I mean you don't have to like her but your not exactly painting you DP in the best light either if they have known each other 20 years they will obviously have things to talk about. You are not there for these conversations, you just presume that she fancies your DP because if the things he says but really if they havent done anything in 20 years why would it start now.
You don't have to socialise with her but stopping him seeing her for a coffee while he's waiting for his friend would be walking a thin line.

S meanwhile I just see as a kind of passive person with a bit of a martyr complex which I guess is why we wouldnt be friends if we met independently. I can't really respect someone who stays with a guy for over a decade whilst disrespecting him, just because its safer. I also think she uses him as a distraction and shield ("I would be a much more active/interesting person if only he didnt hold me back..."). The irony being he's the one who works in a pretty fascinating field in the city near us, whilst she chooses to stay at home (no kids).

If she doesn’t love him, she should move on and let him find someone who does. And if she does love him she should stop bitching about him to his best mate.

Some passive types find it easier to blame everything that is not right i their life on the people around them, rather than taking responsibility and initiating change.

Wouldn’t you be better off with F and leave DP and S to it? Your conversations with F may be making your DP feel more insecure which may fuel any flirtation with S.

This is a bit of a nightmare quadrangle tbh, and the only way out is if one of the couples split.

Given you are not part of the conversations and only hearing DPs version I think you are analysing this far too deeply on far too little information and choosing to make the woman the villain of the piece

Actually, the fact that your DP asked you (as the 'new kid in town') to help S build up a social network, suggests he's aware she's got no friends and doesn't much like other women. I think YANBU to dislike her, as she doesn't sound like much fun, and sometimes we just know that someone is a tiresome whiny cunt within a couple of meetings, quite regardless of whether that person might be a Threat To Monogamy. But, like I said previously, don't waste any more thinking time on her. She doesn't matter.