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Original poster

My child hit another child at nursery :(

110 replies

AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 18:40

Picking my nearly 4 year old up from nursery today and was told my son had hit another child during a squabble over a toy. Apparently my son was playing with a toy when the other child came over and a squabble ensued, then some pushing from both of them, culminating in my son hitting the other child in the face. Sad
My son got a time out and they both said sorry to each other for the pushing but I feel absolutely awful. He’s not been allowed to do his usual Monday afternoon activity, no tablet time or tv time and no pudding after lunch as a penalty.

He’s generally a well behaved little boy and certainly doesn’t have form for this type of thing. I asked after the other child and they were ok but I feel so guilty and embarassed about his terrible behaviour today. The teacher said they made them both say sorry to each other and carried on with their day but I feel so disappointed in what he did.

Nursery aren’t allowed to tell me who it is, although I do know because my son told me. I’m not sure if I should apologise to the mother and make my son apologise to the other child again or if that’ll break confidentiality as it’s supposed to remain anonymous.

I’m so disappointed in him and I thought I’d brought him up so much better. Sad

OP posts:
GhostWriter666 · 05/02/2018 20:06

the nursery said they saw the whole incident and intervened as soon as they could but couldn’t get there before my son had hit. They said it was a really hard hit and then waited for me to say something... I asked after the other child and told them I’d speak to my son. The conversation ended with them telling me to still bring him in tomorrow despite his behaviour today which definitely made me feel worse.

wow no wonder you feel crap with them saying it like that. As a mother and a nursery worker I have been on both sides of the scale. At the end of the day, children this age are still trying to figure out how to handle their emotions.

1...nursery have dealt with it so I wouldnt punish further once home. Fair enough to have a word, ask why he did it, explain ways to manage it if it happens again. eg "go tell an adult"

2... ALL children will hit someone. My quiet, well-behaved son hit a girl with a bat. he was told off at school and they dealt with it. At home, he explained she hit him first and he just reflex hit her back. (he was 7 at the time) He apologized to her the day after and we had a chat about even if someone hits him first, he should walk away and tell an adult.

tinyfootsteps · 05/02/2018 20:06

Thesmallthings They don't say it straight out, they ask you to detail how you discipline at home. But that is what they are getting at. It's blatant: "How do you discipline at home?" followed by "Children only hit if they have been hit".

We are leaving the nursery at the end of term (paid up until then and the care is good, it's just their ridiculous attitude to telling off parents that stinks) because of this.

Weezol · 05/02/2018 20:07

Asyet You are doing fine. I am going back about 20 years, but this thread reminded me of a colleague arriving at work ashen faced and slightly wobbly. She'd dropped her pfb three year old at nursery. As she watched, a boy came towards her daughter with arms outstretched for a cuddle. Her DD also opened her arms for a cuddle, and in the moment the two children were within each others personal space, her DD deliberately nutted the the boy! Little lad sat down like a sack of spuds on impact.

Colleague was devastated, the nursery sorted everything out, but she'd started cying again in the car on the way to the office. Older, wiser colleagues talked her down, explained that pre-school kids are quite random, Social Services will not turn up with a net like the Child Catcher etc.

Now I really, really want special lemon cheesecake, and it's 11 minutes too late to alter my online shop.

Haffiana · 05/02/2018 20:09

You are punishing your son for your embarrassment. It isn't about you, and you 'feeling worse', it is about behaving fairly and sensibly towards your son who is not responsible for your social hangups.

MrsMaxwell · 05/02/2018 20:11

My son went though a phase of walloping other kids at that age, it was excruciatingly embarrassing and very difficult to control.

He’s 20 now and absolutely lovely Smile

LaurieF · 05/02/2018 20:13

He is only 4, these things happen. I do think you have gone over the top though. I honestly really wouldn't use the removal of a pudding as a punishment, imo that can cause some quite deep rooted food issues - same as using food for a reward or a comfort.

user1471443504 · 05/02/2018 20:14

I understand why you're embarrassed but he's only 4 and that's what little children do. I'm surprised by nursery saying you could still bring him despite his behaviour, what a ridiculous response! It's not like he got the other child in a headlock and repeatedly punched him! He reacted to another child trying to take something from him and hes been told it wasn't the correct reaction. However the other child should also be told they can't just go and snatch/take something from someone else. They both need to learn some social skills which at 3 and 4 is common and expected. Please don't dwell on it anymore.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 05/02/2018 20:14

children only hit if they have been hit

See its utter bollocks like this which has no research based evidence that would make me remove my child from that nursery environment.

Original poster
AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 20:18

Weezol- the cheesecake was delicious actually, slices of real lemon on top and everything Grin

I’m very happy with the nursery overall, the teachers are very friendly and my son gets on well there. It’s a big place and it only takes a second for someone to raise a hand and it’s unreasonable to expect the teachers to be able to stop it every time, impossible in fact.

I’ve learnt a valuable lesson today: chill out and let it go once it’s been dealt with.

Oh and eat cheesecake!

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 05/02/2018 20:22

Calm down - they all thump each other at that age. You just tell them clearly that they should not hit, and next time someone tries to take their toy they should first say no, and then if necessary ask nursery staff to help.

I wouldn't discuss it with the parents - it has been dealt with now.

Vanillaradio · 05/02/2018 20:24

Op I am surprised that you got to 4 before something like this happened. My 4 year old is sweet, sensitive and (mostly) well behaved. We have still had a few of these incidents, the most recent being hitting his best friend quite hard in the head with a hammer (toy one obviously!) Small children do stuff like this, it's all part of growing up.
If nursery dealt with the situation I agree with others there is no need for further punishment. With ds we tend to have a little chat about why it is bad to hit and what else he could have done in the situation.
Forget it and move on. The kids certainly will, ds and best friend are still as inseparable ever and were within minutes after he hit her!

Original poster
AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 20:28

Haffiana - I am certainly not punishing my son for my embarrassment. I was punishing him for the hitting of another child. I’ve already said I overreacted in the heat of the moment and things have been put right now. And as for my social hang ups?! Hmm

OP posts:
Thequeenisdeadboys · 05/02/2018 20:36

Bloody Hell! I work at a nursery..happens all the time. Ok, he had time out?? End of ! Wouldn't have suggested you drag it all up again and go as far as those lengths ..and no pudding after lunch !!! I think you should go on the naughty step !

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2018 20:36

OP I don't know if this has been covered but if you want to help your son avoid this work on strategies at home for dealing with conflict, things to say to defuse situations etc.

Please stop being disappointed in him, he is a little boy provoked to anger by another child, he has not done anything more than many of us would have done at 4.

Please do not make him apologize again. And punishments at home are not needed if he has been punished already, as others have said.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2018 20:37

" I overreacted in the heat of the moment"

We all do it, I have done it a lot! Smile

tinyfootsteps · 05/02/2018 20:41

JoeyMaynardssolidlump The woman who says this, and who denies that any child hits in the entire school (nursery attached to school) seems to think scaring parents is the professional way to behave.

One parent of a child that hates being there has taken her child out for this term. I don't know if she will be back but she wasn't happy with being told that she shouldn't be doing it; we are leaving; another mum told me the other day that she wasn't happy but I didn't have chance to ask why because there were staff standing around. Not a good track record for a small nursery that hopes it's charges continue at the school for years.

llangennith · 05/02/2018 20:42

It was dealt with by nursery. He’s 4. Let it go.

OliviaPopeRules · 05/02/2018 20:44

I think the punishment was OTT but you know that. The nursery sound ridiculous with the he's welcome back tomorrow crap. I'm assuming you pay and they aren't providing a service for free. I could understand if he was generally badly behaved but that doesn't seem to be the case.
Anyway all done now and hopefully you won't have to deal with it again.

Geography999 · 05/02/2018 20:45

If it makes you feel any better my child ( 3) bit another child on the face whilst they were on a bouncy castle. I had to hurdle several small children and literally yank my child’s jaws apart to free the little pink cheek of her victim. It was awful.

Kids do stuff like that all the time, happens in a flash. My daughter is now 15 and I still cringe at the memory - but she is quite nice now and doesn’t bite 😉

Xmasbaby11 · 05/02/2018 20:50

It sounds normal op so I hope you feel reassured. I honestly wouldn't bat an eyelid as a one off incident. My just turned 4yo dd bit another child's finger at nursery the other day for no apparent reason. They dealt with it there and she was thoroughly ashamed when they told me. We had a chat about it and left it there. She is very well behaved and sweet normally so I'm not concerned.

Allthewaves · 05/02/2018 20:55

Tonight in caught my 4 yr old sitting on his brothers head while kicking him - all because his older brother turned channel over so he waited for his moment and decided to get revenge HmmGrin

Puddinchops · 05/02/2018 20:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

cakebaby · 05/02/2018 21:02

Really I wouldn’t worry. My preschool child got punched in the eye today, totally out of the blue. He has a little bruise but was fine minutes later after a staff cuddle. The other parent arrived just after I did and looked horrified, I told them mine was fine & these things happen. Mine has also been bitten and bit another child, and also got involved in a tussle over a toy. Staff deal with it appropriately. Tomorrow is another day Wine

tinyfootsteps · 05/02/2018 21:03

The nursery sound ridiculous with the he's welcome back tomorrow crap.

I agree. They are a service. The sound (like ours) as if they were belittling.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 05/02/2018 21:05

The conversation ended with them telling me to still bring him in tomorrow despite his behaviour today which definitely made me feel worse

Or they were saying tomorrow is a new day? Surely that would make you feel better, not worse?

I agree with PP that food shouldn't be used as a punishment (or a reward, come to that)