My child hit another child at nursery :(

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Picking my nearly 4 year old up from nursery today and was told my son had hit another child during a squabble over a toy. Apparently my son was playing with a toy when the other child came over and a squabble ensued, then some pushing from both of them, culminating in my son hitting the other child in the face.
My son got a time out and they both said sorry to each other for the pushing but I feel absolutely awful. He’s not been allowed to do his usual Monday afternoon activity, no tablet time or tv time and no pudding after lunch as a penalty.

He’s generally a well behaved little boy and certainly doesn’t have form for this type of thing. I asked after the other child and they were ok but I feel so guilty and embarassed about his terrible behaviour today. The teacher said they made them both say sorry to each other and carried on with their day but I feel so disappointed in what he did.

Nursery aren’t allowed to tell me who it is, although I do know because my son told me. I’m not sure if I should apologise to the mother and make my son apologise to the other child again or if that’ll break confidentiality as it’s supposed to remain anonymous.

I’m so disappointed in him and I thought I’d brought him up so much better.

I just re read. He isn't EVEN 4

He’s 3. Sounds like nursery dealt with it.

I’d suggest a quiet chat to re-enforce that “we don’t hit” and talk about what he should have done.

No need to be embarrassed, I’d be willing to bet that the other kid has done similar at some point.

Happens every day in most nurseries, it's children being children.
If it's a repeated pattern of behaviour, then that's a different matter, but a one off is just that, a one off.

Don't worry about it, just be equally forgiving when another child does something similar to them. It really is perfectly normal!

Apologies OP, on reflection that was rather rude of me. I remember being utterly mortified when I was told ds1 had bitten another child (age 3). It transpired that said child was trying to force a ball into his mouth and ds1 bit his hand to stop him. They both got told off and ds and I had the "shouting no" conversation.

I've been there - son number 2 was a biter and I was in tears at nursery with his behavior. He never did it at home and nursery felt it best that they deal with it at the time and watch him - he of course grew out of it. They do not remember at that age what they've done and why.

He was terrible in his reception year as well so I worked with the school to try positive methods to get his behavior to change. We had a chart every day where good behavior was rewarded. Its awful when its your child that is playing up. His brother was an angel in comparison. Don't be too hard on him. Let nursery deal with it but if its becoming an issue talk about your concerns with nursery and tackle it together.

You should see what siblings, even nicely brought up and generally loving towards each other ones, can do to each other!

Unfortunately, sometimes our children do things we wish they didn't. Today isn't a reflection on you.

With the pudding thing, I think other posters have been a bit dramatic. Pudding is not necessary. Children who misbehave surely don't need a treat after dinner...

Yes OP, nursery dealt with it. A stern talking to would've been sufficient. No harm done though, now he knows that hitting (as long as you said with each removal of privileges) has big consequences with you. Don't sweat it.

You're massively overreacting.

My then 4 year old DD1 once booted DD2 in the face, little shit that she was (DD1, not DD2, obviously). They're now teenagers and despite the occasional spat get on well in general. And 5 year old DD3 once punched a fellow classmate in the face in P1, as well as shoving a toddler out of the way of the slide at soft play. She's 8 now, and has outgrown any violent tendencies, thankfully.

Don't sweat it. Children at this age are learning how to control their impulses and impatience. Hitting and kicking is par for the course - they're little, they'll grow out of it, with patient guidance.

I’m glad it seems as though I’m overthinking things. I guess I was so keen to nip it in the bud and not set a precedent that I’ve gone a bit OTT.

We talked it though on the walk home and he said he didn’t want to share it/give it away and we had the no hitting chat. Which he knows but obviously he didn’t think before he acted today.

FWIW, it’s the first time we’ve done the no pudding thing and it was only because it was a special lemon cheesecake which I didn’t feel he deserved given the circumstances at lunchtime so he’s had it for tea instead.

Today has certainly not been my finest hour of parenting.

Oh god, I had a biter ! Now that embarrassing. He left teeth marks on one child. Awful.

All children hit sometimes. As long as it’s not every week I wouldn’t worry.

I know how you feel OP before DS had a diagnosis (autism) he lashed out and scratched a little boy in nursery. The boy he scratched had called him smelly and ds who had messed himself (he had severe sensory and anxiety issues around toilet training) lashed out in embarrassment. I was horrified and contacted the boy's Mother to apologise. She was not happy at all which was completely understandable.

Do be careful not to label your ds as naughty, this is normal behaviour for four-year-olds, (with ds it was a symptom of a greater issue) but your ds is just reacting the way any four year old would when someone tries to snatch a toy away. They are very self-involved at four and struggle to understand the feelings of other children.

I agree that you took the punishment too far, at four your ds won't link hitting a boy at nursery, with missing pudding or a fun activity at home. He probably has no idea why you are punishing him. Do have a chat with him about keeping his hands to himself. But don't feel too bad, the boy my ds scratched went on to thump ds another week. Ds was three at the time and the boy was 4, boys tend to be rougher, more inclined to playfight and more likely to get in trouble for hitting.

What did the nursery say OP? Did they overreact?

As I say, at our place the parents are treated like dirt if anything like that happens. They are hauled into an office and asked if they hit the child at home. I didn't even know this wasn't normal until I asked on here about it once.

YABU and completely OTT

He’s THREE!

The nursery dealt with it at the time, there’s no need for multiple unrelated punishments from you as well. Just a chat about what to do in similar situations next time.

I’m surprised if this is the first time he’s ever done anything naughty tbh. Your child isn’t perfect. Neither is anyone else. Even as adults we all do things sometimes that on reflection weren’t the best idea.

Small children do misbehave. They push boundaries and they have poor impulse control because they’re small children who are learning those things.

This has to be a wind up. If it isn't you need serious help OP.

You have massively over reacted and are so disappointed in a less than 4 year old.

If you punish your DS before he is 4 multiple times for one offence it is going to come back and bite you hard one day.

tiny thatd horrendous... I would consider whistle blowing iver that.. if it is true they ask The parents if they beat them.

relax, he's tiny - they make mistakes sometimes. He got punished at nursery and I'm sure if he is usually a well behaved boy he will have been upset that he was told off, and won't do it again.
He doesn't need so much extra punishment from you, one thing and a little chat is enough.

Tinyfootsteps - the nursery said they saw the whole incident and intervened as soon as they could but couldn’t get there before my son had hit. They said it was a really hard hit and then waited for me to say something... I asked after the other child and told them I’d speak to my son. The conversation ended with them telling me to still bring him in tomorrow despite his behaviour today which definitely made me feel worse.

Bloody hell. My 3.5 year old does this stuff (and has this stuff done to him) at least once a week. Just normal lack of impulse control stuff. We talk about it at pick up and perhaps in the car on the way home but then we forget it (while continuing to focus on more desirable behaviour at home of course).

He is only 4. Please don't worry to much. I wouldn't punish him anymore.
He has said sorry and been punished by the teacher. That's it over.
We all have our moments.

Try not to worry about it OP. We’ve all had our moments. My 3 year old has been hit a couple of times at nursery and I never blame the parents and certainly not the angel faced perpetrator. The nursery always deal with it and DS plays with the “hitter” the next day.

The conversation ended with them telling me to still bring him in tomorrow despite his behaviour today which definitely made me feel worse.

Were they saying his behaviour was out of characters and they think he's coming down with something and maybe feeling poorly?

Otherwise that's a really odd comment from nursery. No wonder you feel bad.

Your reaction was a bit OTT. Please remember you have no idea what the exact circumstances were so you can only go on what nursery and your DS have told you. Punishing based on that info only is a bit tenuous.

He’s a tiny little child with many, many years of interaction with other children to come. This sort of thing will most probably happen again. By all means make sure he knows what your behavioural expectations are but cut him some slack!! Children aren’t born knowing social niceties, they learn them and today he learnt about hitting/consequences.

Today has certainly not been my finest hour of parenting

Don't sweat it... honestly, it's not the end of the world, what he did and also your reaction to it.

Magoria and Glum - it’s obviously not the first time he’s ever been naughty, but it is the first time hes ever hit a child very hard in the face before... and hopefully the last.

In hindsight, disappointed was probably a poor choice of word.