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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My child hit another child at nursery :(

110 replies

AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 18:40

Picking my nearly 4 year old up from nursery today and was told my son had hit another child during a squabble over a toy. Apparently my son was playing with a toy when the other child came over and a squabble ensued, then some pushing from both of them, culminating in my son hitting the other child in the face.
My son got a time out and they both said sorry to each other for the pushing but I feel absolutely awful. He’s not been allowed to do his usual Monday afternoon activity, no tablet time or tv time and no pudding after lunch as a penalty.

He’s generally a well behaved little boy and certainly doesn’t have form for this type of thing. I asked after the other child and they were ok but I feel so guilty and embarassed about his terrible behaviour today. The teacher said they made them both say sorry to each other and carried on with their day but I feel so disappointed in what he did.

Nursery aren’t allowed to tell me who it is, although I do know because my son told me. I’m not sure if I should apologise to the mother and make my son apologise to the other child again or if that’ll break confidentiality as it’s supposed to remain anonymous.

I’m so disappointed in him and I thought I’d brought him up so much better.

OP posts:

Snowysky20009 · 05/02/2018 19:27

OP this isn't the first time nor will it be the last time it will happen.
However consequences need to happen at the time- not several hours later. He's too little to understand that. Save that for when he's older!

Rudi44 · 05/02/2018 19:30

Don't beat yourself up, I think all kids go throw a phase like this. My DD was a bit younger but I remember her hitting another child at a wedding and it was awful, I was so upset.

I find the pre school comment odd, like you would have thought they might exclude him?

I am sure he has the message by now that it wasn't the right thing to do, although it sounds like the other child may not be entirely blameless of course he can't go around hitting.

incywincybitofa · 05/02/2018 19:31

Was the comment about bringing him in tomorrow to try and make you feel better?
I don't suppose you feel better by reading everyone's responses but if it happens at school at that age it should stay there, he needs a retreat from school at home and a space from home at school. As long as the expectations in both areas are clear it's fine that they don't merge.

NurseryFightClub · 05/02/2018 19:32

It's not breaking anonymity if your son told you, by all means apologise to the mum, explaining it is out of character, but I would do penalties at home, unless this was regular behaviour...

caffeinequick · 05/02/2018 19:33

Don't panic I'm fairly sure this is normal for a four year old (at least I hope it is otherwise mines a real terror :) ). I tend to think at this age if they've been punished once that's enough.

Original poster

AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 19:37

The nursery said it was out of character for him.

He’s been fine the rest of the day and we’ve talked and cuddled and he’s gone to bed happy.

Tomorrow is another day. Thank god!

OP posts:

YouOKHun · 05/02/2018 19:38

My DS at that age was a thumper. Some of the other boys were the same and a couple of the others like to ring the changes by sinking their teeth into each other. I spent quite a lot of my time having grave ‘no hitting’ chats and apologising to other parents. By the end of year 1 he’d honed his communication skills and became a gentle considered boy and is now a 6ft tall civilised member of society (as far as I can tell). All you can is let him know that it’s not OK to hit and then move on. Most sensible parents know that 4 year old behaviour is not indicative of badness and know their children are just as capable (though there are special snowflake parents who think their children are perfect - they usually have a rude awakening further down the line). If you dealt with it and recognised it as pretty typical 4 year old boy behaviour then you’ve had a perfectly fine hour of parenting.

isadoradancing123 · 05/02/2018 19:40

I would agree, he is only four, kids squabble and it's a natural instinct to hit out, he will learn to curb it

ATownCalledGallus · 05/02/2018 19:41

OP, try not to worry about some of the frothing reactions on this thread. I don't punish my kids and even I think you're getting a hard time here!

I remember well how mortified I felt the first few times DS1 did something like that in public. He was probably about the same age. I thought it was the kind of thing other people's kids did - not mine!

You just have to revise your expectations for perfect behaviour downwards a little, and things are so much easier. They don't need punishing - just a good chat later, once it's all over and things have calmed down - not in the moment, when you're feeling all hot and bothered about the behaviour.

My occasionally hitting & biting DS is now a 12yo exemplary citizen. No ASBO required!

Hope you manage to chill, and give him back his pudding

Four4me · 05/02/2018 19:41

Tomorrow is a new day! You'll laugh about today when he is a hulking grumpy teen!

Frusso · 05/02/2018 19:41

the nursery said they saw the whole incident and intervened as soon as they could but couldn’t get there before my son had hit. They said it was a really hard hit and then waited for me to say something...
May I suggest
"Presumably you'll get there quicker next time then?"

upsideup · 05/02/2018 19:41

AsYetUntitled

I havnt read the full thread but please OP or any one else reading never use food as a punishment!
That was my parents go to when I was little and is the main reason I have suffered with anorexia since I was 11. Dont cause disordered eating in a 4 year old, food is not a priviledge that can be taken away it is a right, dont enforce the idea that he should not eat when he does wrong.
No medical professional will ever advice you should use food to punish.

JayZed · 05/02/2018 19:46

Don't worry OP at 3 I was a violent little shite, used to go for the old fashioned eye gouging. My mum was horrified but I grew out of it and have yet to commit a bank heist or run a drugs syndicate almost two decades later

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/02/2018 19:47

DS2 is 7 now but when he was young we went to a lovely church-led playgroup every week. He'd been there since 6 weeks old so knew the other DCs well and generally his behaviour was great.

At around 3 and a half he turned into an absolute gibbon and went through a little phase of walloping anyone and everyone within arms reach when he couldn't get his own way. It was mortifying and we spent several weeks scooping everything up and leaving each time he hit to try and teach him that it wasn't ok.

He's 7 now and is the kindest, gentlest boy imaginable. He simply went through a rough patch and came out the other side. Your DS will have more rough patches from time to time, but you have to learn to roll with them and remember that he's a work in progress rather than the finished article, so each of these patches are for him to learn and grow.

Original poster

AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 19:49

Upsideup- it was a special lemon cheesecake that he didn’t get to eat for lunch. He still got his actual lunch, just not his special pudding. However he got it for after his tea.
Sorry to hear of your anorexia, it’s a terrible illness.

OP posts:

Clandestino · 05/02/2018 19:51

I don't agree with hitting but it happens especially at that age. Stop behaving like he was caught pulling out little kittens' whiskers. You're overdoing it on reaction and punishment.

melisma · 05/02/2018 19:51

Well done for coming back onto the thread AsYet after everyone piling on here, not easy. I have been where you are and yes it's mortifying, but try to remember he is only 3, and he won't behave like this forever. I found it really helpful to look up what "normal" behaviour is at different ages, just to help me remember that they are just kids and not to get too worked up about things or to personalise it (like you saying "I thought I brought him up better").

OlennasWimple · 05/02/2018 19:54

Every single child will hit another child in the face at least once during their childhood.

Sounds like nursery made a big deal of it (graciously allowing him to come in again tomorrow??!!), and you have too.

As you say, tomorrow is another day. Don't dwell on it any more

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 05/02/2018 19:55

Sounds like your nursery has no clue about normal toddler behaviour!

I was a Cm for years and have 5 kids and without fail all of them have hit or been hit at some point.

I honestly would be asking to chat to the manager as the staff sound ill equipped and need further training.

CheeseyToast · 05/02/2018 19:56

Brace yourself - he may in fact get into a few scraps yet. All normal.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 05/02/2018 19:56

And op don’t beat yourself up love. We all have moments like this

IHATEPeppaPig · 05/02/2018 19:56

Oh OP, I feel your pain - DC1 (2.5) has a tendency to hit and bite more recently, it's mortifying but I let nursery deal with it and then I have a chat when we get home.

I think you know your reaction was OTT but we've all been there - everything will seem better tomorrow.

Original poster

AsYetUntitled · 05/02/2018 19:56

IncyWincy- i think the comment was was make me feel better, like a ‘he’s a still welcome tomorrow’ type thing.

Some of the responses have helped put things into perspective, others... not so much.

OP posts:

Fuckit2017 · 05/02/2018 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upsideup · 05/02/2018 20:05

AsYetUntitled

I get that OP, and maybe I'm being over the top but its the fact that you took the food that he was going to have otherwise away as punishment. My parents used to do it with only pudding and treats aswell, I wasnt starved by them but it created the idea in my mind that I should deny myself food when I do anything wrong. I think taking away tablet time is reasonable as a punishment as there is no mental illness related to denying yourself technology when you mess up that can lead to death. I'm not trying to shame you as a parent but I really would advice against using food as a punishment to everyone, your child having an ED as a result although maybe very unlikely is surely not a risk anyone wants to take .

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