Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who decline events...but expect to always be invited

88 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 05/02/2018 17:44

Less of an AIBU and more of a follow on from another thread I have seen regarding friendships, I just can't make sense of something.

I don't understand it when people are invited out on an event (be that coffee, drinks, meals, 1 to 1, weekend away etc) and always decline said invite. Fair enough. But then these people go on to say they feel pissed off when they see people out (e.g. on facebook) with out being asked themselves.

Now I guess AIBU to think if someone declines events a certain number of times and doesn't organise anything themselves, then I would get to a point id stop asking them out (more as I thought they would be fed up of me asking). I don't understand why people would feel the need to be annoyed when they have been asked out lots before and fail to arrange anything themselves.

Not having a go, just want to see the logic behind this :)

OP posts:
UsedtobeFeckless · 05/02/2018 17:56

Yeah - me too. I work with one of these. Never comes but strops if not asked. To be honest, if someone turns down several invites and doesn't try to rearrange for another time or suggest something else we could do l tend to assume they don't want to see me and stop bothering.

laura65988 · 07/02/2018 15:21

They may decline but u should still ask as it myt be something they want to do ure meant to be friends just cause um myt not like they decline and they don't organise anything maybe they dont want to do use talk all the time is it even ure friend anymore have use grown apary

PenCreed · 07/02/2018 15:26

I always invited a friend to things, she rarely came to group events and often cancelled if it was just 2 or 3 of us. We’re no longer friends as eventually I stopped inviting her. Apparently that’s entirely my fault. It makes no sense to me!

thecatsthecats · 07/02/2018 15:29

I have a different problem. A friend who always turns down invites - introvert with social anxiety and different tastes to us, fine!

But a different friend just doesn't get it, and always wants to reschedule those of us who can meet, in the hope she'll say yes. SHE'LL NEVER SAY YES.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 15:30

I sort of see what you're saying but I think people like to know they've been thought of. People who cancel annoy me but people who generally decline an invite don't. I'm a bit of an introvert but it would be a little upset if my friends just assumed I would decline and stop inviting me completely.

Areyoufree · 07/02/2018 15:31

I am overwhelmed by new situations, so will nearly always decline an invite at first. I may gradually work my way up to being ready to accept, but it normally takes a few invitations before I feel ready to try something 'new'. Of course, by then, people have often giving up asking me. Is it that inconvenient to ask someone, even when you know they will probably say no?

taratill · 07/02/2018 15:32

I have had to decline events, often without giving the real reason, due to autistic son and issues he's been having that mean i haven't been able to leave the house.

I no longer get invited to social event with at least 2 groups of people who used to invite before I declined.

It's really tricky. There is often a reason for the fact that the person turning down which is more than they can't be arsed.

HollyBayTree · 07/02/2018 15:33

If you have home/work committments you cant always go, but one day you might just have a babysitter/carer on tap/suitable shift patterns/ a rare free night.

MsHopey · 07/02/2018 15:34

It's all selfish and petty.

I want everyone to want me there, because they like me and think it would be nice to have me there.
But I don't actually want to go because I prefer being in bed and watching Netflix with my husband.

Wallywobbles · 07/02/2018 15:36

I think if you decline twice (and don't reorganize) you shouldn't expect to get another invitation.

BeyondThePage · 07/02/2018 15:37

I'm a work-event/night out decliner - but couldn't give a damn if I were never to be asked. Just not into socialising with work colleagues.

Friends know I will sometimes go out, and ask - as do I ask them.

TieGrr · 07/02/2018 15:38

I decline a lot of invites because I have a child that I have to be home for most of the time. I'd hate to not be invited any more because if it's something special, I usually find a way of getting there, or sometimes (rarely) the stars align and I'm able to make it to something. I hate declining but I have limited childcare available to me.

KakunaRattata · 07/02/2018 15:44

Sorry, I am that person. Socialising is an effort, you wouldn't know it when I do go (apart from the fact I'll mostly be sober) but I can't be that switched on to performance mode as often as these things come up, plus with busy children and relatives that need our help I just don't have the time or money. I have lots of different groups of friends and could be out every weekend but that's too much for my wallet as well as my effort levels. I have tried the honest approach but everyone seems to then think they can fix whatever the problem is and gets upset when I say that won't work.

SirGawain · 07/02/2018 15:47

laura65988 And for those who's first language is English?

Ilikecheesycrackers · 07/02/2018 15:47

It depends on why they decline the invitation surely?

I have a chronic health condition that limits my social life a lot. So I often decline invitations if I am in too much pain.

But occasionally, I am well enough to go. And I do appreciate the friends who still think to ask me!

redexpat · 07/02/2018 15:48

I think it depends on how involved the pther person is. Do they still paeticipate in group chats, reply to messages etc. If you cant face going out it still is nice to know that other people are thinking of you. I think if someone hadnt accepted an invitation in a long time I would maybe ask if everything was ok if they hadnt said anything. If I didnt get a good answer then I probably would stop inviting people. But I dont think people get upset by seeing pics on fb of stuff they have declined do they? More when they havent been invited despite keeping contact with a group, which is pretty mean really.

heron98 · 07/02/2018 15:49

I have a friend like this.

Never turns up to things she's said she's coming to. Is really flakey, has let me down on so many occasions. Then she wonders why I've stopped inviting her.

UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 07/02/2018 15:56

I lost a friend this way.

She repeatedly turned down invitations - after asking questions like "Who else is going?" and made up daft lies about why she wasn't going to make it. (We knew she lied because she told different stories to different people)

So we stopped inviting her to things, figured that if she wanted to see us, she would get in touch. She never, ever did.

Four years later I bumped into her at a wedding. "I don't understand why everyone stopped speaking to me!" she wailed. I said we should go out for a coffee some time, catch up properly. She enthusiastically agreed. I'm still waiting to hear from her.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/02/2018 16:05

Seriously, Areyoufree? Inconvenient, probably not. Pointless and tedious, yes. Who has the time or inclination to do some sort of courting dance to entice someone into doing something when they know the answer will be no?
Slightly Prima Donna of you.

crunchymint · 07/02/2018 16:06

Yes I stop inviting these people. If you turn down invitations and don't organise anything yourself, it gets embarrassing to keep inviting you. I assume you simply don't want to socialise with me and my group of friends. So to keep inviting you almost seems like I am pleading with you to come.

BelleandBeast · 07/02/2018 16:06

I often can't make random meals out and drinks (money/babysitter) but always make time for birthdays and special occasions.

I did have a big falling out when not invited to a special surprise event, despite me being free and trying to see the friend concerned but she was busy that night. Then i found out about it. Friend was supposed to tell me about it but didn't. She couldn't explain it, and tried to make out it was my fault I wasn't here! I can only explain it as I'd had a baby and as it would have been the first time I'd seen people in while and I'd have, for once, got more attention than her. I was gutted, to be honest. Kept a wide birth since never see her. It wasn't just that occasion that led us apart, obviously, but that was a defining moment.

NurseryFightClub · 07/02/2018 16:18

Two declines unless have a good reason is my rule.

callmekitten · 07/02/2018 16:24

Regardless of whether they decline or not, I think it's utterly ridiculous that grown adults are offended if they are not invited to everything going. I don't always want to hang out with the same people and I'm sure it goes the other way too.

Tarraleaha · 07/02/2018 16:31

It does depend why they decline, but after a few times, it feels like they don't want to come at all, so it should come as a relief they are no longer invited.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 07/02/2018 16:32

Is it that inconvenient to ask someone, even when you know they will probably say no?

Yes, because every time you ask, you risk rejection. Most people don't want to continually be rejected or impose themselves on people who don't want to do things with them. They are trying to react to the social cue that the person says no.