People who decline events...but expect to always be invited

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Less of an AIBU and more of a follow on from another thread I have seen regarding friendships, I just can't make sense of something.

I don't understand it when people are invited out on an event (be that coffee, drinks, meals, 1 to 1, weekend away etc) and always decline said invite. Fair enough. But then these people go on to say they feel pissed off when they see people out (e.g. on facebook) with out being asked themselves.

Now I guess AIBU to think if someone declines events a certain number of times and doesn't organise anything themselves, then I would get to a point id stop asking them out (more as I thought they would be fed up of me asking). I don't understand why people would feel the need to be annoyed when they have been asked out lots before and fail to arrange anything themselves.

Not having a go, just want to see the logic behind this :)

I never go to any work-related social function. I just find stuff like that too much like hard work; genuinely more pain than pleasure. Tomorrow night is leaving drinks for one of my now ex-colleagues. He asked me in person to come along and I mumbled some awkward noncommittal reply, knowing full well there was no chance of me going. Ultimately I'm not really cut from the same cloth as many of my colleagues, plus I'm a classic lone wolf anyway. I'm sitting alone in a pub as I type this.

I just think it's a shame when social conventions get in the way of getting to know someone who might not know all of the usual social rules.

Feeling rejected by someone who repeatedly declines invitations isn't a social convention - it's a natural emotional response to someone basically telling you that they don't want to spend time in your company. They may have a good reason for that, but unless they are prepared to share that with you, then how can one distinguish someone who struggles socially from someone who doesn't like you?

I'm somebody who turns down more invites than I accept.
Truth is I would love to go to everything but as a ft working single parent with no local family support I simply can't go to things in early evening when picking up from school/nursery or Can't afford to keep paying £35-£50 for a night out before it's even started
I hate not being invited because it feels like somebody else is assuming on my behalf that I can't go but if I can rearrange things/have family visiting I really try to go & also try to arrange things myself on the odd occasions I am actually childfree.
Passive aggressive fb statements are not for me though...

To those introverts or people with the social anxiety. - It's tedious if someone always declines. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough for them to make an effort for. I might be an extrovert/ enjoy spending time with my friends... but I still have feelings that get hurt by your constant reluctance to hang out with me.

And to the people who always accept first then predictably cancel plans at the last minute - Whilst I understand that it might be because you get anxious - but you need to know that you just come across as flaky! It's annoying.

Grrrr!! There I've said it. Sorry. Not sorry.

Having read through my last post, I feel I should add that I don't have a problem with people organising and enjoying an evening out etc. And I would never resort to social media to publicly bleat in any event (I don't use social media anyway). It's just not my thing and I don't expect my non-attendance is a surprise any more. But I accept I could be in a minority. Horses for courses and all that.

But maybe the inviters also have social anxiety and are badly affected by all the knock backs and declining?

To those introverts or people with the social anxiety. - It's tedious if someone always declines. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough for them to make an effort for. I might be an extrovert/ enjoy spending time with my friends... but I still have feelings that get hurt by your constant reluctance to hang out with me.

And to the people who always accept first then predictably cancel plans at the last minute - Whilst I understand that it might be because you get anxious - but you need to know that you just come across as flaky! It's annoying

Agree with these posters.

It does across as self absorbed when people keep turning things down (or cancelling at last minute - which is so rude), yet they still expect to be invited to everything.

I have stopped seeing flaky people. Not friends as my friends tend not to let me down or give me a reason and rearrange if they can't make it, just acquaintances who might have become friends. I agree if you want to be invited you have to realise the other folk have feelings too and being let down repeatedly isn't nice.

I decided a while back that I no longer want to be that person "who makes the effort to get to know someone". I did that way too much in my youth. I've got friends with asd. Although I've gotten a lot out of these friendships, when I was going through a very hard time few of them bothered to contact me. One, I considered my best friend has never contacted me since. When we were still friends she didn't come to my hen night. 2 other friends with asd came and went to bed at 10pm, it just wasn't their thing. But as more time went by, more and more things weren't their thing. I still meet now for a lovely chat in a restaurant I don't like ( but serves suitable food) . But personally for me, I have enough friends who need coaxing and persuading and extra thought put into food requirements etc etc. I'm open to friendly two way friendships though.

In a work context to exclude some people from social invites can be seen as doing so as a passive form of harassment or bullying in extreme cases, so reasonable to invite the person who always declines. They may have childcare reasons, may live a distance from work, not like social occasions, or one of a number of other understandable reasons. I am selective about which work social occasions I attend as I spend enough time with work colleagues (mostly good friendly people) and want evenings to be non-work things.

Non-work invites are different I think and if someone is always declining, for whatever reason, no need to keep inviting them.

I agree if work related everyone gets an invite, but you're allowed to choose your friends.

I don't think I've ever felt that just because I wasn't invited to something I had been excluded. If really friends meeting up without me I'd just phone and ask to be included next time, especially if I'd declined the last couple of invites.

Is it that inconvenient to ask someone, even when you know they will probably say no?

It isn’t inconvenient. It’s just shit. If you are clearly giving off signals that you don’t want to hang out with me, why should I bother with you?

It can be really inconvenient sometimes. A spa has room for 4 appointments, if you ask the person who takes ages to get back to you, the slot will be gone so you can't ask anyone else. If it's a holiday that's cheaper for 3 or 4 people you want 3 or 4 people who will respond and comit. There's no point trying to prove something for 4 people either if you really know only 3 will want to come.

Exactly Fluffy, it's nothing to do with inconvenience.

It's hurtful to be continually rejected, but supposedly we all have to dance attendance on some people's feelings, while they're exempt from doing the same in return.

Friendship doesn't work that way.