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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People who decline events...but expect to always be invited

88 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 05/02/2018 17:44

Less of an AIBU and more of a follow on from another thread I have seen regarding friendships, I just can't make sense of something.

I don't understand it when people are invited out on an event (be that coffee, drinks, meals, 1 to 1, weekend away etc) and always decline said invite. Fair enough. But then these people go on to say they feel pissed off when they see people out (e.g. on facebook) with out being asked themselves.

Now I guess AIBU to think if someone declines events a certain number of times and doesn't organise anything themselves, then I would get to a point id stop asking them out (more as I thought they would be fed up of me asking). I don't understand why people would feel the need to be annoyed when they have been asked out lots before and fail to arrange anything themselves.

Not having a go, just want to see the logic behind this :)

OP posts:

ShutYoFace · 07/02/2018 16:35

But then these people go on to say they feel pissed off when they see people out (e.g. on facebook) with out being asked themselves

Those people are attention seeking self absorbed twats.

amusedbush · 07/02/2018 16:35

I'm massively introverted, have ASD and crippling social anxiety. Sometimes I'll decline an invitation. Even worse, sometimes I'll accept it but as the event draws nearer I'll decide I can't face it and I'll cancel.

I don't mean to be a pain in everyone's arse and I'd be crushed if people just started leaving me out because they couldn't be bothered dealing with me.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/02/2018 16:44

Belle - your post is really interesting from the other side. I can completely see that your friends might not consider you part of the group anymore if you consistantly don't come out for drinks/meals, and so not really want to invite you to the 'special event'.

I can also see the flip side that if you are right , the lack of invite was because you'd had a baby and not seen anyone since, so would get lots of attention, then perhaps the person organising wouldn't want you showing up and "stealling the birthday person's thunder", making you the centre of attention of someone else's party, because you hadn't made it to any other 'low key' events inbetween. (that could easily become all about you without that taking away from someone else's special event)

I have a friend who never makes it to low key drinks in the pub (even the one less than 5 min walk from her house), meet ups at someones house or cheap meal out in a chain restaurant etc, however will make it to big parties or nights out in posh restaurants/cocktail bars. It has left the impression our company isn't enough.

It's very hard not to take regular declines personally.

60sname · 07/02/2018 16:44

Areyoufree I expect people to meet me halfway in social interactions. I'm not going to beg someone to spend time with me.

HamishBamish · 07/02/2018 16:47

I often decline invites to social events with school parents as they seem to land on impossible days, but I would never complain about not being invited to something. I know that loads of mums meet up for coffee etc, but you can't expect to keep on being invited to things if you don't/can't go.

Eggzandbacon · 07/02/2018 16:49

I'm now not usually invited out by a group of friends.
They either have grown up children or babysitters on tap (or husbands who are there)

DH works abroad if he is away I can't go. They have a new meet up in half term in the middle of the day!
Children not invited- I would have to pay the childminder to take DD and I can't justify that for a boozy lunch (which will just continue into the evening)

I've already had a sarcastic response from one friend - she's a single parent with retired parents always willing to take her DC - that DH should take the day off. He will be in Germany. They won't understand and I'm sure I won't get invited again.

ShutYoFace · 07/02/2018 16:53

They won't understand and I'm sure I won't get invited again

They do understand, that their arrangements work for everyone else and not for you. That's unfortunate for you, but not unfair of them, and not their problem at all. Its natural that they wont invite you when they know you aren't going to be able to come.
They haven't done anything wrong.

CotswoldStrife · 07/02/2018 17:14

One of my aims this year is to have fewer flaky friends. I am completely over chasing people to agree a date to meet out of them.

One person cheerily told me that they were leaving one of their regular activities last year so now we'd have a chance to go for a coffee on her free day. Never heard from her. Equally, DD has a friend whose parent often cancels play dates at short notice. I've avoided setting another date because as a PP said, there's only so many rejections before you step back (the children are desperate to meet up though!).

DoJo · 07/02/2018 17:22

I don't mean to be a pain in everyone's arse and I'd be crushed if people just started leaving me out because they couldn't be bothered dealing with me.

But that pre-supposes that you declining invitations or cancelling doesn't 'crush' the person you are turning down or cancelling on. I can totally understand the struggle to overcome obstacles, be they practical, emotional, physical or anything else really, but I think it pays to consider that it might not just be the kind of thing other people can shrug off easily.

I might seem confident, loud, extrovert etc, but if I keep asking someone out, even to group events, and they decline or cancel at the last minute, then that will chip away at my confidence in inviting them and make me question whether I am the kind of pain in the arse that they don't want to see, the person who is badgering them when they would rather not spend time in my company, the weird one who just WON'T take the hint!

Unless you spell it out to people (and I appreciate that might not be an appealing prospect), then you run the risk that they will take your rejection to heart and get to the point where they feel like they can't face another invitation that comes to nothing.

Triskaidekaphilia · 07/02/2018 17:27

My anxiety means I cancel a lot of events. I never say anything when that means I'm not invited the next time, but secretly it does upset me.

Triskaidekaphilia · 07/02/2018 17:30

Although the upset is with myself (along with a lot of guilt and anger) as I understand why someone would think I'm not bothered.

treaclesoda · 07/02/2018 17:31

If someone has a health condition, or needs childcare, or has to be available for elderly parents, or is studying in their spare time then it's completely understandable to me that they might not be available very often to meet up and I will happily continue to invite them.

If they just repeatedly decline or agree to meet up and then cancel without actually explaining any of the above then I will assume that they don't actually like me, don't want to spend time with me and I'll not humiliate myself by asking again.

UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 07/02/2018 17:34

I've seen too many threads on here of "annoying woman keeps inviting me to things, I never accept, why won't she take the hint?" to invite someone out a third time if they declined two in a row and don't arrange something themselves.

RavenLG · 07/02/2018 17:35

I'm exactly the same. I hate it, and I hate letting people down but true friends understand thankfully, and don't take it personally.

crazycatgal · 07/02/2018 17:38

After I finished school one of the friends in my group kept declining invites to nights out, meals and birthdays. In the end we stopped inviting her and years later she isn't friends with anyone from school anymore.

I agree that if people reject invites enough times then they shouldn't expect to be invited out again.

lalalalyra · 07/02/2018 17:41

I think it depends why they decline. If there's no reason, or if they just don't fancy it, then it's fair enough. Too often in my experience it's because people have caring responsibilities or the likes and then it seems a bit shit. My relative's widow has lost quite a few friends for that reason - he didn't abandon them, he just spent 14 months spending every moment with his dying wife. Bit rubbish of them to stop inviting him in those circumstances imo.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/02/2018 17:45

Eggzandbacon - do you ever organise a meet up for that group? I can see if you regularly decline and never organise, they aren't going to focus your needs in how they structure the meet up. You could invite them over to yours for drinks/a takeaway meet up if you have little childcare options.

My regularly declining friend has given various reasons over the years, we have tried picking a location near her house, we've tried picking nights/timings we know her DH is able to make it. We've tried downgrading a meal to just drinks so money isn't an issue. We've invited her round one of our houses... But when we've tried to make it suit her, she's still declined, so now we jsut do what we fancy, and if she makes it, she makes it.

CruCru · 07/02/2018 17:53

My understanding is that if someone declines three of your invitations in a row, then they shouldn’t expect to be invited again. I can’t remember where I heard that though.

thegreysheep · 07/02/2018 17:55

I also think it depends on the reason, and also how close to them you are, and also if they are honest (if they can be) about why they declined.
One friend kept backing out of things or rearranging them to take place in her house or she wouldn't go. I was getting annoyed, but eventually she explained it was due to a health issue, so no problem after that.
Another friend declined invites with a group of friends due to financial issues, but as she was embarrassed she kept pretending that she was out with other people instead, though she told me she would be at home really upset not to be with her friends. I also knew her friends felt rejected, so I convinced her to be more honest about her real reasons for declining, and they were really understanding.
One of my best friends also keeps declining due to financial and childcare issues, but what's annoying is that she always leaves it until the last minute and pretends it is because she 'forgot'. So as a result a lot of people have stopped inviting her which is a shame, as these things pass. As she is a really good friend I asked her if she is declining as she doesn't want to see us, but she said no she is really upset when she has to decline, but doesn't always want to have to give the same reasons of being broke, childcare etc. I told her that acting like she forgot or doesn't care makes people feel rejected and less likely to keep up the friendship, and if she was a bit more honest about her reasons (though I know it's hard) she will be more likely to maintain her friendships for when things improve for her in the future. As she is such a good friend, I didn't want to let her go without at least finding out if there is something up.

Slanetylor · 07/02/2018 18:22

But as a previous poster said if she was upfront in the beginning people would keep trying to "fix" her. I had money problems a while back and this was a nightmare. Any money I DID spend was analysed and judged. " oh you have money to go to a theme park but no money to go for your friends birthday dinner?" As if I was no longer in charge of what I prioritised. It didn't matter that a day in a theme park was our family holiday for the year. So it is a very shrewd move to simply flake out at the last minute and keep your private money issues to yourself. In general I'm the one organising nights out but in this case I understand your friends actions.

ShutYoFace · 07/02/2018 18:25

It really doesn't matter why people continuously decline, though. Good reason or whatever, if they don't go, there is no point keeping asking, it makes you feel like an idiot.
Those who think they should carry on inviting, for how long? After 3 invites declined? ten? forever?

RainbowGlitterFairy · 07/02/2018 18:30

It depends why they decline. I was the first of my friends to have DC, I had to decline lots of invites because I couldn't get a babysitter or I had mum stuff to do and I admit i was a bit hurt when my friends stopped inviting me, I do get why they did but it still hurt.

Areyoufree · 07/02/2018 18:37

iamagreyhound Not being a prima donna, just honest. If you put me on the spot, I will panic and say no. Social situations are difficult for me. I understand that people will often not want to persevere, but this isn't something I can do much about. But, like a PP said, my true friends have taken the time to get to know me and understand. I just think it's a shame when social conventions get in the way of getting to know someone who might not know all of the usual social rules. However, I don't cancel last minute - I'm not a fan of last minute flake outs either!

treaclesoda · 07/02/2018 18:37

Flaking out on people to ease your feelings without thinking of the feelings of the friend you're flaking out on is very selfish though.

'If someone is a good friend they'll understand' only goes so far because equally if the flakey friend is a good friend they'll understand that they are hurting others feelings. If you explain to a good friend that you are anxious/ill/skint of course they will understand if they are any sort of decent human. If you let them spend all week looking forward to seeing you only to cancel two hours beforehand it's pretty cruel. Friendships should work both ways.

MaisyPops · 07/02/2018 18:42

But surely that's part and parcel of life?
I don't know. I was meeting a friend for coffee and we had to reschedule twice because of work commitments. It took months to get round to arranging it. I wouldn't say we were bad friends, just life gets in the way.

I'll tend ti decline invites for large gatherings because if there's only DH and the couple hosting that I kniw I find it all quite overwhelming. I do tend to ask who'll be there i know. My friends are very understanding and if i can't make a big yhing then we'll do our owb small thing later

It depends on so many factors.m really. I don't think I'd stop the effort because of a few missed social things but i would stop the effoet if they made a massive drama over people going out together

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