People who decline events...but expect to always be invited

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

Less of an AIBU and more of a follow on from another thread I have seen regarding friendships, I just can't make sense of something.

I don't understand it when people are invited out on an event (be that coffee, drinks, meals, 1 to 1, weekend away etc) and always decline said invite. Fair enough. But then these people go on to say they feel pissed off when they see people out (e.g. on facebook) with out being asked themselves.

Now I guess AIBU to think if someone declines events a certain number of times and doesn't organise anything themselves, then I would get to a point id stop asking them out (more as I thought they would be fed up of me asking). I don't understand why people would feel the need to be annoyed when they have been asked out lots before and fail to arrange anything themselves.

Not having a go, just want to see the logic behind this :)

Great post at 17.55 thegreysheep, I agree with you.

@coffeeorsleep, I see what you are saying. In this case, she was supposed to pass the invite to me, but didn't! It wasn't her 'do', neither organised by her for or her, she just left me out on purpose.

I think its fair enough after having kids not to be rocking up at the all the pub / meals out when you are on maternity leave, as it gets expensive. but you don't want it to be assumed you can't come. It's a tricky balance.

The meet up timing is usually worked around one person coming home.
They met up at xmas and I was actually fairly free for once - we were given 5 dates and i could do all but one - that's the one they went out on.

And they don't understand- I get comments about 'not making an effort'. It's hard when you don't have childcare on tap.

How many goes do people get, though? I know life gets in the way and plans change at the last minute and sometimes you just want to curl up and watch the tv instead. I get that totally - but the ones doing the asking have that inner voice saying "She doesn't really like you much, that's why she's saying she's washing her hair" too ... lt doesn't mean they are a bad person if they stop asking - just that they have had enough of being knocked back!

It’s kind of sad when people stop bothering. I would love to get invited out but too often when I do there’s insufficient notice for me to juggle everything or I just get told a time and date I can’t do. So depends on the circumstances really.

I’m with you OP. Same for those friends who say “we must get dinner” or whatever, ask you to organise it and then don’t bother to get back to you or confirm the event. Just don’t say it! We don’t need to get dinner if you don’t want to, I’m breezy!

I was that friend, I left college before all my friends due to falling pregnant with my 1st they invited me to everything to start with but due to having a new baby, less money ECT I declined a lot I still spoke to them all but eventually I stopped getting invites and the friendships slowly dissolved I was upset to start with especially when I'd see them out at a time my partner was off work or my lo was at my mum's for the night so I could of gone if I were invited but when they all started to have kids they got back in touch to ask for advice and see if everyone wanted to meet up for play dates ect but I just thought they didn't want to know when I was the only one with a baby so why should a make the effort now they all started parenthood, think they finally understood when you have children you can't be as social with regards to going out every weekend and getting drunk or just dropping everything and going on spontaneous trips. I literally have one friend that I am still in touch with since childhood that started her parenting before me and understands we cant see each other all the time but that's ok and when we do both have time and money to catch up we talk like we had seen each other the week before even if it has been months.

I totally agree OP. It’s different if someone declines and has genuine reasons to do so e.g. partner works late or no childcare. But when someone turns down every single invite and makes absolutely no effort to rearrange or invite you anywhere, I think you’re totally reasonable to assume they just don’t want to see you.

I have this problem at work i have been to a few things. I have declined alot Mainly because they plan meals nights out through the week which i cant do i have kids. They all live near each so plan things in there area. They have stopped asking now and i don't blame them. I think it would be better if they stuck a notice in the staffroom so people didnt feel put on the spot and have to accept there and then. Some people are more sociable then others but yeah it is nice to still be asked.

I might give what seems like a feeble excuse such as work commitments or childcare.

I don't think many people would view those as feeble excuses.

Three invites in a row was what I always thought was fair @CruCru

I have Multiple Sclerosis so I have good and bad days and awful periods so never know what’s coming. I don’t have lots of friends but one close friend I see for presseco and pudding. She understands if I have to decline/rearrange/cancel.

I don’t expect my wider acquaintances to understand or accept that as I don’t really talk about it. But I’ll also happily organise nights out for say the school mum’s if I fancy a night out and just invite everyone! So I have the best of both worlds really.

I am that person. I have social anxiety and turn a lot of stuff down/flat out run away when I'm not feeling great. Maybe consider if the person you're inviting is being rude for turning you down or they're struggling.

If someone has a health condition, or needs childcare, or has to be available for elderly parents, or is studying in their spare time then it's completely understandable to me that they might not be available very often to meet up and I will happily continue to invite them

If they just repeatedly decline or agree to meet up and then cancel without actually explaining any of the above then I will assume that they don't actually like me, don't want to spend time with me and I'll not humiliate myself by asking again

THIS.

But maybe the inviters also have social anxiety and are badly affected by all the knock backs and declining?

If you're having a bad time and can't make it out for a reason you don't want to disclose, fine. I've had friends say "I'm just not feeling up to it atm" and that's OK. But then, if you want to see people when you're feeling better, you'll have to do some of the inviting. It isn't up to others to organise your social life for you.*

*General 'you', no one specific.

It's interesting how few people who 'get left out' actually do organising meet ups that they could do. There's a few posts saying they declined various things, but then saw on FB/found out other ways that friends were meeting up without them when the could meet up/would have made the effort if asked, but didn't think to take the innitive to say "would you like to all meet up on X day?"

From the other side, it's very hard to not take regular meet up rejections as rejections of you, if the other person never contacts you back to suggest something. It does read like some of these posters do seem to think the onus should be on their friends to maintain the friendship, and it's the friends fault for not arranging things the poster can do, without taking equal responsibility for maintaining the relationship and taking on arranging things.

I can see this from the other side.

Due to my current situation I've not been able to go out to anything for the past 7-8 months, and I can't see that changing in the future.

I have absolutely no social life.

I've therefore had to turn down several invitations and I hate it. However if it wasn't even asked then I have to admit that I would feel a bit hurt.

Prior to things getting to difficult I used to have to back out of plans at the last minute on a few occasions. Which again I hated!

Luckily most of my friends are fully appreciative of my situation and still invite me to stuff even though I can ever go.

I am that person at times. I have bad social anxiety which came on around 4 years ago due to a massive loss of confidence caused by stress at work (which also made me lose my hair, suffer panic attacks, IBS and made me want to kill myself at times). Haven't really been able to push back from that and feel am no longer fun and carefree so the group of girls I was hanging with probs feel the same. It's tough. I'll either decline or I'll say yes but then have a massive panic attack and not be able to face it.

I have one friend in particular who always refuses invitations. She's famous for it among our friendship group.

But she always takes a long time to reply (=refuse). It's because she's checking out what other options she has that day. Basically we are just way down her priority list.

I'm someone who declines nearly all invitations. Well, okay, all invitations unless they are strictly à deux and somewhere quiet. I definitely do not expect to keep receiving them. In fact, I get a bit fed up when people do invite me to things, when they know I won't want to come. I know they're trying to be polite: they just can't understand that some people don't like doing things in groups.

I used to be 'friends' with someone who took this to an even more extreme level and not only declined invitations but expected the whole event to be cancelled if she chose not to attend. Lots of passive aggressive Facebook posts about how she can't believe that people she thought were friends were out were leaving her out. So people who didn't know any better thought she hadn't been invited and joined in saying how awful it was. Deleting and blocking her, from both Facebook and the rest of my life was a fantastic decision. She still apparently badmouths me being so nasty but you can't reason with someone like that.

But, like a PP said, my true friends have taken the time to get to know me and understand.

This is so self-indulgent, and I see it a lot on here - usually from self-described 'introverts', and people with anxiety, etc.

Friendship is, by its very nature, a two-way street.

What sort of strikes me about some of the posts here is that people generally assume the inviters are cast-iron extroverts with hides like rhinos - everyone doubts themselves after a few rejections, why wouldn't they? As someone said further up the thread - friendship is a two way street.

I always have the Aaargh why did l say l'd go l've got nothing to wear/say and l want to stay in now half hour before l go anywhere but l'm more scared of disappointing people than l am of going out so l end up going anyway!