AIBU to think I pay so I get to decide the car

[Suntrap]

I am learning (finally )to drive. Given up on manual and am doing auto and doing quite well generally. Really hoping to have passed test by the summer.
Dilemma is we have a lease car through my work. It's manual. All comes out of my salary. I very rarely have any use out of the car as I walk,bus it everywhere. DH doesn't really 'go anywhere ' as such. Just drives to work and local. It's a big 7 seater. We have 4 dc and dogs.
Anyway,I guess I feel a bit resentful that I fork out all this cash for a car that I don't drive.and don't even travel as a passenger in that often.
DH definitely sees it as 'his car which I suppose is fair enough as he drives.but it narks me a bit.

Now he's saying when the lease is up we should get big auto that both can drive.
Fair enough,I kind of agree.
However,I can still see him seeing it as his car as he is the most experienced driver.
I feel I will be tied into another lease (which is a good deal btw) but won't benefit again

I think as I'm paying(selfish I know) I should maybe get a smaller car I can confidently drive. It's a long way off but worried if we only have one big,new car it will be too much as a new driver.
I think I should have the new car and maybe he should get a bigger family car for longer journeys when we all go out.
On a day to day basis,once I've passed I will definitely be driving the most.
Any thoughts?

I wish I knew someone with a biggish auto that I could have a go in.
I wouldn't even go in our car with DH even if
It was Auto as one sly comment and I'd deck him.

OP, my husband had a company lease car, and they were taking £5k from his salary plus increased tax.

He has now bought a car, at least this belongs to him.

Would it be giving up the lease and saving for your own car with the savings whilst you learn to drive.

Driving 2.5 miles to work is a pisstake. My walk to work is 2.5 miles and I walk it or get the bus! Is he really going to expect to take the car to work every day when you learn to drive?

He wouldn't have to walk/cycle/bus to work all the time, was just meaning to suggest that on days he is working but you aren't... that you have car priority (i.e the car is yours when you want it ),he just gets to drive to work in it when you don't need it!

Would it be worth giving up the lease and saving for your own car with the savings whilst you learn to drive?

Lease not up till may. Couldn't save between now and then.
To be honest,as it currently stands I could manage without a car full stop(as I have zero use out Of it at present)
He insists he needs one though
Could only afford a cheap runaround without the luxury of the lease option.

I don't get the "I pay so should have first dibs" thing. DW pays for all our childcare because financially it makes more sense but it's just money coming out of the pot. It isn't her money or my money. She doesn't have less to spend because she's paying for the childcare.

Anyway, don't get a second car if you don't actually need it. It's a massive waste of money. You need a big car so just get used to driving a big car. Most people do so there's no reason you can't. If your DH is being an arse about your driving go out and practice on your own then tape up his mouth when he gets in the car.

Nocake

I know it's all out the same pot. But it's kind of different with other things.
Food-we all eat
Holidays-we all go.
Tv - we all watch
Car-i barely get in it
And if I do want to go somewhere then its all dependent on whether he is willing to take me.

Oh don't feel a bitch. It's your job that makes the lease car possible, you haven been able to personally benefit from that perk up to now but that's all changed. Your car, your choice. Test drive a few cars of varying sizes and see what you feel comfortable with and base your choice on that.

And don't let him criticise your driving. I've pulled over and told mine to get out before now.

As I bet his a family not even fit me into the equation as far a cars are concerned
Presume it's his and I'm just the little woman passenger

But generally you would assume the person without a license is a passenger and the person who has one is the driver?

You have mentioned a lot that you get no use out of your car, is that because you ask for lifts and he says no? Or because you choose to walk/take public transport?

It sounds like you’re pissed off because you can’t yet drive to me.‘You’ may pay for it but unless all of your finances are separate, then surely its family money.

If it was the other way round, no one here would agree that because your dh pays for it its only his, especially if he didn’t have a license!

It’s probably best that you just don’t continue with the lease and each buy a cheaper separate car so there’s no animosity about ownership.

Hopefully your confidence will get better as your lessons progress.

Yeah suppose I am pissed off because I can't drive it.
The reasons I don't use the car are both due to him and me.
I'm.quite proud and would rather do things myself. My choice I don't drive. Don't expect a favour from him or anyone. Plus I love walking

He happily gives me a lift anywhere I want to go bit that's not what I need a car for. I can walk to school for example
It's places I can't walk to like going out somewhere nice. He will go but I can tell if it's not something he wants to go or a place he wants to go so that's off putting

Does your family need a 7 seater car to travel together on days out, holidays, visiting family, etc. If so you would be daft not to get a new (safe/reliable) 7 seater car for your family.

There is nothing like the independence of driving, and having your own car sitting on the driveway for if/when you you want to use it. The only time I’d reconsider sharing a car would be if we went back to live in the middle of a city with fabulous public transport. To me, it’s not a ‘luxury’ any more than having basic food or heating is (I appreciate for some people it’s unaffordable, I’m not saying it’s not, just that it’s far higher on my list of essentials than lots of things other people might consider essential/important. Hope that makes sense).

You say love walking & are happy on the bus now, but you need the flexibility to allow your feelings towards change. I know you can’t really see it now, but you might decide you actually prefer to drive to work and you’re going to be majorly pissed off if it’s a car you don’t like driving. Likewise he says he’ll cycle or get the bus (he bloody well should anyway when you live so close!) but I wouldn’t count on it lasting or being without a monumental amount of whinging.

I think having one car is going to cause huge resentment from one of you because you are both already pissed off about it.

I don’t know how great a deal you get on a car lease, but it’s not something I choose to do. I’m going to add my new car onto the mortgage, at 1.5% it’s cheap finance and I can over pay and clear the cost of the car off. But it came at a time when I’m about to remortgage anyway. (I have financed it initially to get a good deal, but I’m going to pay it off in full in a few months).

IMO unless you can both lose the anger you have about this and work out how to share nicely & buy something suitable for the family that you’re both happy to drive, you’d be far better off just to work out the best way to buy two cars. But that doesn’t mean HIM getting a brand new fancy pants lease car while you drive something the scrap dealers are eyeing up! Maybe it’s your turn for the brand new lease car and his turn to have an older car. You BOTH need to be happy with the plan.

If you live near me (Central South East. PM me if you do) I’d be happy to put you on my insurance and let you drive me around in my car. (After many many years of not wanting one I’ve had to get an auto because of a problem with my left knee.) Are you sure you don’t have any friends with autos that would let you do that?

I think that if you go for one big family car, you ought to pay for an instructor to give you a few lessons in it, so you feel confident to drive it and then I think you need to reclaim your car!

I think your dh is being a dick because you learning to drive is threatening to him - it stops you being dependent on him for anything. But he is massively piss taking if, after you pass, he takes the car for his 2 min journey to work and you continue to take the bus for your longer journey and school run!

I'm all for having one pot of family money ordinarily but you two seem to have separate accounts and he is taking your work perk and claiming it as his. Which is cheeky fuckery even before we get into the nastiness of his behaviour towards you.
Time to reclaim some control here.

I passed at 40+ In an auto. We have a large auto estate. I thought I’d a small car but when we had a Fiat 500 on loan it was shit! Also in a big car people don’t cut you up.

Your situ sounds v similar. My DH didn’t like me suddenly driving.

I practised a lot in our car without him once I passed. It is great being able to drive, but I am not bothered I couldn’t before. Now the rule is that he drives places and I drive home.

And DH is not a dick about cars, but got used to having it all his way. Practise practise practise and you will be fine.

Is this just about a car? You are full of ‘I pay for it’ etc etc. You are a family with one car. I also have a family and we have one car. Dh is the main driver because I’ve never been very confident in London / teh uk as I’m not a great driver ( i used to drive all the time and big cars are much easier plus it’s what you need for your family by the way, seems a no brainier to me) . He would never ever call it his car and it is totally irrelevant how it was paid for. When getting it we looked at my work lease options because we wanted to make a financially sensible decision for our family. It didn’t cross either of our minds that it would affect how we thought about it.

Annie
That's a very kind and generous offer
.
Sadly I'm nowhere near
I do live in a major city which is why up to now ive not been fussed about driving. I can get about just fine mostly.
We talked about the lease prior to me doing it as a joint thing. Seemed a good offer
Everything all included no extra costs and knowing we had a reliable car. Also no chance of a loan as credit history bad. So only option other than a used car and we wouldn't have got much for our money.
I didn't realise I'd feel so irritated about it once we had it.
He doesn't say I can't use it,or rather i could use it,if I drove,(he wouldn't dare) ,but the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Hard to explain .It doesn't feel equal. Like even if i could drive id feel like a kid driving their parents car.
Like be was watching me making sure I didn't do anything I shouldn't.
Maybe I will feel different when it's a new car for both of us.
As I said,he's massively back peddled now and if I do mention driving he acts all eager for a joint car like he's been all for it from day one.

Cheekyfuckery is a fantastic description
I guess I need to see how this pans out when I pass my test and can actually drive. See how he behaves then.

I don't think he would leave me catching bus and him driving 2 min work once I've passed. He's not a total arsehole.
But I do think he's quite happy with the arrangement at the moment and the fact that he can continue doing it as i don't drive.

Sadly I'm nowhere near

That’s bloody typical isn’t it. I’d LOVE to get you feeling really confident behind the wheel so you can tell him to shove his daft comments!

Good luck with your test & with deciding what to do. Keep us posted!

I see your point and I see his point.

It's coming out of your pay so theoretically you should get to decide what to get. However if you want something that is not going to be suitable for the whole family then that means your overall family budget will need to allow for 2 cars rather than one. 2 purchase costs and 2 lots of running fees irrespective of whether on lease or not, it's still money coming from your family at the end of the day.

Is 2 cars doable? Can you better use the money you would save if you just had one car?

It sounds like your current lease is up in 3 months. Not sure why you wouldn't just replace it with a large vehicle that will fit your whole family in when necessary but that is an automatic? I drive the large family car in our family, DH drives the small runabout. I find my car a lot easier to drive, I'm used to it, I like being up high as I feel I get a better view of road/surroundings and I am used to parking it. I have a child learning to drive. They are learning on the large family car as we feel it's a safer car in the event of an accident due to it's size and dispute that driving a small car is 'easier'.

This is not going to be popular but I also understand where your DH is coming from in regards to you driving.

I have a teenager currently learning to drive. Soon they will pass their test and be driving without someone having to sit with them as the instructor. I know who I would prefer to drive in a trip between myself, DH and them. Obviously the people with 35 years of driving experience not the person with a year. We will put up with them having to drive in order to increase experience but we don't have to like it. Obviously though we are civil to them in this regard but lets not pretend we are both not thinking 'thank fuck for that' when one of us drives instead. Of course, also both myself and DH each thinks we are the better driver out of the two of us and also inwardly groans when the other gets behind the wheel. The key is 'inwardly' which is the aspect your DH seems to be missing, apart from that I would think all of the thoughts he has are most likely completely normal.

However if you want something that is not going to be suitable for the whole family then that means your overall family budget will need to allow for 2 cars rather than one.

On that basis why would the OP's DH have to choose a car that was suitable for the whole family? Maybe he would like an older two seater sports car.

Maybe he would, but it seems like he can't afford it.
I think it would be counter productive to get a second car if there are credit issues or you can't easily afford it. I honestly believe it would be best to ensure you can both drive the car you choose when your current lease is up . Remember that insurance for you night be expensive because you are a new driver.

I do see why the situation has pissed you off though - he's been driving around like he's the mutts nuts, reluctant to acknowledge that it is your car too, and the only reason he could do this is because of your lease perk.

Still, he has backtracked now, so maybe in a moment of clarity he has seen he was behaving like an arse. As you say, you can only see what he is like once you pass. And obviously, whatever you get, do whatever it takes to feel comfortable driving it.