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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/02/2018 02:17

Well, there you go. Didn't you accuse OP of not listening?

You might want to look at why you seem to be taking OP's circumstances so personally.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 02:18

?

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 02:21

I don’t get why you think I am taking the OP’s situation “personally.”

DoubleRamsey · 05/02/2018 02:27

Faith is, by definition, an irrational belief.

Not to be pedantic but that isn't strictly correct.

But I suspect we are going to end up going around in circles.

Although I will say it is ironic how similar debating with dogmatic people of faith and dogmatic atheists is.

araiwa · 05/02/2018 02:51

as op has found out, the number 1 cure for religion is to go to religious services and read the holy book

theftbyfinding · 05/02/2018 03:06

Dear Dog, this post is not about religion. It's about parenting. The op is forcing her young adult/late teen dd into religion against her will. And that is shameful.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2018 03:07

^"I get that I'm being selfish.

I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids."^

OP you wrote this^^ . Do you think, if this is the case, that maybe the rest of your reasoning is just trying to justify your desire not to lose face at your church?

Also, you say "I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do. I'm sure he has lots of experience of teens losing their faith and then coming back later." Does he also have experience of teens leaving the church and being glad of it? Is he really going to be thinking about the best interests of your daughter, or is he really just another resource to push your daughter in one direction - without regard to her autonomy?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2018 03:10

You have no right to push your religious inclinations upon your child. She is 14 and well old enough to decide if she wants to attended church.

flumpybear · 05/02/2018 03:41

If she doesn't go for say 15 years but decided later in her life she wants to go again, what's she missed? Essentially nothing, she's not working towards exams etc so just let her follow her own pathway, she's her own person, she's not you. She doesn't believe, don't f force her

Sunshineandgin · 05/02/2018 03:41

My dad is a vicar and my mum wanted to attend church every Sunday so that meant we had to go too until we were about 12 and considered safe to be left home alone. Then we had a choice to come or not. We pretty much all carried on going most Sundays and now as adults some of us still go regularly and others just attend Christmas and Easter.
I’m grateful we were trusted to make choices for ourselves.

If you’re Anglican/Catholic then is your daughter confirmed? If yes then she will have had to explore her faith to make the decision to do that and part of her growing maturity is deciding how to express her faith whether by attending church or not.

If not confirmed then leave her be and she will make her own decision in time. Not attending church does not mean a lack of faith.

PegLegAntoine · 05/02/2018 04:26

I didn't want to force dh to stand up at the front of the church and say stuff he didn't believe in. but that’s sort of what you’re doing to DD if you make her go when she doesn’t believe. Why does DH get to opt out if she doesn’t

Fuckoffee · 05/02/2018 05:08

I don’t think teenagers should be allowed to go to church. The two don’t mix. So much of being a teenager is about pushing boundaries and trying new things. Religion is the opposite of this. Especially in prosaic middle England, where it is entangled with keeping up appearances. It’s like putting a straight jacket on. Comforting for many adults, suffocating for most teenagers.

Have you sat in on any of the separate youth sessions you are sending your kids to? The ones I used to attend were pretty bad. They were run by people with no idea how to teach or inspire teenagers. I’m sure this is quite a skill to have, but so much damage was done by these well meaning women. They couldn’t cope with any questioning of their faith or us trying to put god into a modern context. When I asked why god wasn’t helping with the Ethiopian famine they said it was because they were poor,black and African. They also told my parents I’d been a smart-mouth and so I got told off to boot. Much damage done.

Teenagers want to join in with things that are fun, interesting or cool. Church is none of those things.

Let your daughter make up her own mind. You have more chance of her returning to church as an adult then.

Skarossinkplunger · 05/02/2018 05:35

Jesus Christ op you’re a bit deaf aren’t you?

GnomeDePlume · 05/02/2018 05:53

OP are you worried that she is losing faith in god or in your church? I think the two are separate things. For you the social aspect of the church has been very important but she isnt you, hasnt had the same experiences so the social aspect isnt the same.

YWBU to force your DD to attend church but that doesnt stop her or you from upholding the same values in your day to day lives, the inward aspects of your faith rather than the outward show of faith.

PhoebefromFriends · 05/02/2018 05:55

So your DD has expressed how she feels about not going to church and instead of listening to her you are going to speak to the vicar (presumably a man outside the family) who you believe in more than your DD. Be careful OP you would be giving your daughter the message that men and other people's opinions matter more than her own. She shouldn't be forced to attend, you are setting her up for a lifetime of not believing her opinion matters.

My suggestion is make it a non issue and an open invite, if she wants to go she can if not she doesn't have to.

Booboostwo · 05/02/2018 06:04

Some of your views on this are a bit odd. No one can be forced to have faith, they can be forced to attend church or obey rules but not to believe. Faith has nothing to do with going to church either, many people of faith may chose not or not be able to attend a place of worship. Also faith is not lost forever, she can take a moment to reflect and define her own relationship with god....or she can decide she no longer believes and believe again later...or she can decide she no longer believes and that is that.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 06:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaryFray · 05/02/2018 06:14

Leave her be. You can't force your religion onto someone.

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 05/02/2018 06:25

But if your DD feels forced to go to church - worse yet, if she knows it's on the vicar's advice - aren't you worried that she'll grow increasingly resentful & come to hate it?

RoryAndLogan · 05/02/2018 06:26

Forcing your children to go to church is unreasonable at best and brainwashing at worst.

PUGaLUGS · 05/02/2018 06:29

I was forced to go as a child/teen. Hated every minute of it.

Clandestino · 05/02/2018 06:29

Love this thread.
OP: Am I BU?
Most posters: Yes, you are.
OP: I am not.
So instead of accepting or at least stepping back you decided to go to the vicar to find out a way of putting pressure on your DD to find God. Not because of the faith but because of What will the good people say?
You are doing more for the atheism than Richard Dawkins.

noeffingidea · 05/02/2018 06:30

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do
Why? There's nothing to do. Your daughter doesn't believe in God any more (if she ever did). There is no point in her going to church if she doesn't believe.
I was forced to go to church every week until I was 13, I never believed at all, it was a massive waste of time. I've never been back other than as a guest at weddings, funerals and christenings.
You seem to think your daughter is an extension of you. She isn't, she's her own person, an individual. It's time to respect that, not to try and make her go to church because it's important to you.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 05/02/2018 06:36

Right now, you're putting the opinions of others - the vicar, the congregation - above the reasonably expressed wishes of your daughter. She will see this and lose respect for you. Let her stay home and let her decide what relationship she wants with region, if any. In a few years you will have no say anyway.

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