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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scout leaders lost my kid then blamed him

146 replies

Eliza22180 · 03/02/2018 18:14

I am a newbie - seeking some reassurance / a reality check here...either is welcome! Scouts recently lost my child aged 12 for 2 hours at a mountain outward bound place. He was told by scout leaders he could go off and meet the others at lunchtime. Apparently they told him to take a "buddy" but he claims he did not hear this. By the time I'd dropped him off and spent half an hour getting my younger child kitted out against the cold, my older child was missing - alone, no-one knew where he was, no phone, not contactable. I believe this breaks a lot of scouting rules, plus as a qualified teacher I just feel these people are totally amateurish. So easy to set up a list of kids with "buddy" names and ensure each pair had a phone between them. It's a big place; I found him 2 hours later; he was in fine form. I know he is more than mature enough to spend a couple of hours alone outdoors...but surely that is a decision for the parents, not a random scout leader. My anger has been compounded by a) the scout leaders robustly blaming my son (for going off without a "buddy") and b) scout dads congratulating each other since the event on how well it went! I could comment "great, except you lost my kid then blamed him". Frankly, I feel they should stick to their day jobs! AIBU?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 03/02/2018 18:39

My kids knew at a very young age not to go off by themselves.
you need to teach him about these things, we can't expect Schools to socialise our children, it's our job.
At 12 he should have had more sense. Sad

Notmyideamovingon · 03/02/2018 18:39

Also depends on the event so e.g. Frost camp. Leaders feed in a.m. Scouts go around activities without leaders, they all come back for lunch head count, back it to activities. The whole point is the freedom.

Notmyideamovingon · 03/02/2018 18:41

12 year old has been in scouts at least two years should know the drill to be honest

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 18:41

I think of you are going to volunteer then you have to do it properly. The onus is on the adults to ensure each child is paired up and knows where to go/when and where to meet up. Yes, your child was fine, but he could easily not have been and no one would have had a clue about it!

Butterball17 · 03/02/2018 18:42

I think at 12 wandering around on his own isn’t really a massive cause for concern... my 10 year old goes out to play for hours at a time and goes for long walks and has been for some time. Obviously the scout leader should have been a bit more on top of it but I think scouts tend to encourage freedom and foster independence as much as possible.... if your child was younger.. under 8 perhaps you would have cause for concern in my opinion but not at 12!

topcat2014 · 03/02/2018 18:43

Don't know about the circs on this thread, but having just joined as a Beaver assistant (note not leader..) I have had three days training in the first two weeks - including safeguarding.

To be a leader would require 38 modules of training.

Actually, the rules and policies in place seem sufficient to cover lots of things. That part certainly didn't look 'amateur'.

Scouts have been around for 110 years, so they are not new to this stuff.

topcat2014 · 03/02/2018 18:43

Don't know about the circs on this thread, but having just joined as a Beaver assistant (note not leader..) I have had three days training in the first two weeks - including safeguarding.

To be a leader would require 38 modules of training.

Actually, the rules and policies in place seem sufficient to cover lots of things. That part certainly didn't look 'amateur'.

Scouts have been around for 110 years, so they are not new to this stuff.

NovemberWitch · 03/02/2018 18:43

Similar thing happened to my Scout at the same age, on a night hike, I’m a teacher too.
I agreed with them that it was my son’s responsibility to stick with the rules and use his common sense. But then, as a teacher, I get fed up with the constant blame, and no expectations of the child to be responsible for anything. If your son can’t handle it, find a more supervised and supported activity.

spanieleyes · 03/02/2018 18:44

Was he wandering around on a mountain or in an outward bound centre-the two are rather different!

SideOrderofSprouts · 03/02/2018 18:44

Your son should have listened.

The leaders should have noticed he was gone

It’s a safeguarding issue. Take it to
Group scout leaders

However bare in mind, it’s people like us who give up a lot of our spare time
So that your child can do these things.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/02/2018 18:47

This is why fewer and fewer people volunteer.

My friend’s husband used to volunteer as a cub leader. Parents would arrive late, pick up late, not pay their subs, blame him for any tiddling thing.

He had to do lots of first aid training and gave up endless weekends and evenings and barely a thank you.

In the end he thought fuck it - and now spends the time enjoying his family rather than volunteering. Nobody wanted to take it over, nobody offered to volunteer even for the occasional weekend or evening. So now there are no cubs in that town. Such a shame.

Everyone wants free 5 star babysitting but doesn’t want to take any responsibility or share any of the work.

Coulddowithanap · 03/02/2018 18:52

Did he turn up at the instructed time or was he still missing for lunch?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/02/2018 18:52

OP says she does volunteer though, Cauliflower, so that's not really true. Yes, the child ought have listened but he's 12 amd behaved like, well a 12 year old. Which is why adults have to take ultimate responsibility.

converseandjeans · 03/02/2018 18:52

Agree with other posters who have pointed out that they are volunteers. I think your DS should have listened to the instruction.
I am also confused about whether you were there with your younger child - in which case you have some responsibility here too for making sure he knew what the plan was.
This is why people give up volunteering - being blamed for things.

Sn0tnose · 03/02/2018 18:52

I don't think that the volunteers can take all the blame here. In the kindest possible way, I think that you bear a bit of the responsibility for this too for not telling him what not to do (go wandering off alone).

He was told by scout leaders he could go off and meet the others at lunchtime. Apparently they told him to take a "buddy" but he claims he did not hear this. If he was told that he could go off and meet the others, why didn't he meet them? I think that if he's old enough to go off camping with the scouts, then he's old enough to understand the importance of not wandering off by himself without telling an adult where he's going. Especially in such a remote area. Did you think he'd be supervised all the time? Is that realistic for camping groups of that age?

PigletJohn · 03/02/2018 18:55

A 12-year old missed his lunch?

sounds most unusual.

Dljlr · 03/02/2018 19:00

I think you're getting some odd responses, I'd be furious. And I'd not be sending him back either until some reassurance that they've learned from it and will reinforce the buddy system somehow. I also wonder if the people shrugging it off would be more understanding of your own feelings if they'd lost a 12 year old DD rather than a DS? In any case, I don't think YABU. He's a child, they're in loco parentis, and it doesn't make the tiniest bit of difference whether or not they're volunteers, they still have responsibility for making sure the children in their care are safe. It doesn't replace your own child's personal responsibility but it certainly trumps it. Lots of 12 year olds do stupid and thoughtless things, that's why they're supervised at events such as this!

Original poster
Eliza22180 · 03/02/2018 19:01

OK. Dropped him off 9am. By 9.30, he'd gone skiing alone. It was a few degrees below freezing. Visibility was clear. He was equipped. The other kids ski slower and went for lessons. First time he ever skiied with Scouts - I'd been told he would have a lesson, but he turned out to be faster than the others, so was told he could ski alone till 12.30.

OP posts:
XmasInTintagel · 03/02/2018 19:02

NotMyIdea. 12 year old has been in scouts at least two years should know the drill to be honest

I don't see where it was stated he'd been doing scouts 2 years??? Do you know the family personally, or did you just make that up?

rwalker · 03/02/2018 19:03

why don't you take on role as scout leader volunteering it's only once a meek few meeting a month and loads of weekend in summer

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 03/02/2018 19:04

Which others was he going to meet up with and where were they?

I wouldn’t expect them to be supervised 100% of the time on a scout trip, but I would expect them all to know the rules about being with a buddy at all times.

StaplesCorner · 03/02/2018 19:04

When you volunteer with children, you should be given something to sign saying you have a "higher duty of care" so that you cannot rely on saying "oo I'm just a poor put upon volunteer". It also means that voluntary organisations like this cannot shake off their liability. So the "only volunteers" argument cannot stand in this case - their liability is similar to salaried employees (although ultimately its the Scout's insurance).

But in any case, you know what? If I took your child out and lost him for 2 hours I'd be beside myself with guilt and worry. Maybe the volunteer position and the particular responsibility it brings is too much for these men. I'd make a complaint higher up - at the very least they need more training.

halfwitpicker · 03/02/2018 19:04

So he skied for two hours on his own? Was this abroad?

I'd be freaked tbh, he could he gone off piste or anything...

converseandjeans · 03/02/2018 19:05

OK he shouldn't have been allowed to go ski-ing alone. He should have been made to have a lesson with the others. It's not quite the same as going off for a wander as he could have fallen over or something.
However I would be wary about going in all guns blazing as he may have taken it upon himself to go off as he was bored by the speed of the others and the lesson. Were you there too?

halfwitpicker · 03/02/2018 19:05

But in any case, you know what? If I took your child out and lost him for 2 hours I'd be beside myself with guilt and worry.

^
Yup