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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit creepy!

126 replies

Doctordid · 03/02/2018 09:16

I have a neighbour who shares our hallway. 'Bob' is 73.

I rarely see Bob due to work and him being with family so don't have a close relationship at all with him. Bob is fit and active, still works part time and has family who live locally so he's not making conversation because he is lonely or such.

When I do see Bob he regular makes comments about sex. Meh I'm not a fuddy duddy but...

Gems have been

'haven't you had a man since your ex, if you haven't it is unfair. We aren't all the same, If I was with you I would just want someone to cuddle in front of the TV with and have a fumble around on the bed but sex would be good too Shock)
If I was with you then I would want to keep our own flats and I wouldn't bother you it would be good if we could still have a fumble.
And various degrees about me and him having sex and how we would maintain the relationship ...

He also texts me to say I've heard you come in come round for a coffee etc as soon as I walk through the door.

Aibu to think you don't discuss scenarios of how you would have sex with your neighbour who had shown no signs of any interest!

The kids are teens and have overheard some of this and think it is hilarious and refer to him as my boyfriend little buggers Blush

OP posts:
Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 04/02/2018 12:08

Given that the son sorted out the phone number exchange, I'd be telling the son why I'd blocked his dad. And yes, I would tell the man that I didn't like his comments (probably in the jokey way some earlier posters have suggested).

But I've seen several people slide into the hell of dementia, with first symptoms being this kind of behaviour.

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 12:09

I honestly think being jokey about this is only going to encourage him and do little to stop it. I stand by my earlier advice re how to stop it!

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:15

Granny to mine I was responding to the pp who said we think old people are all lovely. That homogeneous mass.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:16

As Bertrand says he is an individual. Unless you know him well enough to actually suspect dementia based on previous behaviour, assume he's a creepy man and tell him to stop.

And no there isn't a high chance of dementia once you reach 65.what rubbish.

bettytaghetti · 04/02/2018 12:23

LemonShark we weren't in any way saying that Bob's behaviour was excusable, we were just suggesting to the OP that it could be a possibility and therefore the best route to tackling it would be to speak to his son and report on what is happening. Personally I would speak to the son anyway and get him to have a word with his father even if isn't anything to do with dementia unless the son's a misogynistic chip off the old block too

TheBrilliantMistake · 04/02/2018 12:25

High probability isn't quite the same as 'very likely'.
It would have been better to say 'an increased likelihood' which is true, but still, it's a minority just a bigger minority as you get older.

It's just inappropriate talk, but worth mentioning to his family as it might be a sign of another issue, but hopefully a little chat with his family might put an end to it.
The alternative option is to simply says 'Bob, you can't talk to ladies like that any more, it's not appropriate' and hope he feels embarrassed about it.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2018 12:29

Jesus, all this hand wringing that you're also supposed to be chasing up his family to see if he has a medical condition when he's fucking sexually harassing you. What's with all that handmaiden shit?

'I'm fucked off with your sexually harassing me. I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on Earth. Cut it out because I'm sick of it.'

And then you block.

Accountant222 · 04/02/2018 12:35

Very wrong,I also attract every creep in town

blueskypink · 04/02/2018 12:36

How do you respond when he makes these comments op? Have you tried looking at him hard and saying, with as much disgust and disdain as you can muster, I'm absolutely NOT interested".

Or do you do what I would probably do in that situation and just feel embarrassed and want to get away without putting him right?

TheBrilliantMistake · 04/02/2018 12:37

It's not hand-wringing to have an awareness of dementia and at least consider it as a possibility.
Everybody agrees the behaviour has to stop and that it's offensive - and he needs to be told, but that doesn't mean we can't think beyond the immediate issue and wonder if there's a possible cause.

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:38

'Bob, you can't talk to ladies like that any more, it's not appropriate'

Vs

'I'm fucked off with your sexually harassing me. I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on Earth. Cut it out because I'm sick of it.'

:o I vote for the second one

altiara · 04/02/2018 12:39

If go with expat’s solution, think it’ll be the most effective. If it doesn’t work, then call the son and get him to have a word with bob, if it’s still not working after that tell the son bob has dementia.

doloresthenewt · 04/02/2018 12:40

I think the statistics from the Alzheimer's Society are something like 7.1% of the population over 65 suffer from dementia. I will put my house on the likelihood that well over 7.1% of men over 73 wilfully ignore all the behavioural changes that have happened over the last years, dismiss it as "PC gone mad", and continue to harass women.

Hoofbeats, horses.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:40

Actually if it continued after that I'd be calling the police.

StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:41

Excellent Dolores :o
Not to mention that the majority of that 7% will be concentrated in the over 85s

Sparkletastic · 04/02/2018 12:43

Stop being polite and laughing it off. Get angry. Be direct and tell him to stop. Talk to your DCs about sexual harassment and demonstrate strong boundaries to them.

TheBrilliantMistake · 04/02/2018 12:43

Depends what's been said so far.
It sounds like there's been zero rebuke so far, although it's been going on a while. That's the first problem right there. He's thinking it's ok and don't mind his 'banter' (which is actually sexual harassment).

I don't see a problem with a polite rebuke first, then if it continues, sure, give him the full monty or invite the police to have a word!

Original poster
Doctordid · 04/02/2018 12:47

Lyingwitch definitely not wanted attention!

Like I said initially I thought he was just trying to set me up with his son and I just laughed it off and told him I was happy alone.

It's only very recently that he has started making really sexual comments. The time before a couple of weeks ago it was said in general rather than aimed at me.

It was only the last time that was aimed specifically at me and like I said I was massively taken aback and just stumbled some no thanks I couldn't be doing with having a moaning man around.

Blocking him will do nothing. His flat door is about two foot off mine!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 04/02/2018 12:50

You shouldn't have to say anything op but giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he's failing to read the signals. Assuming your slight look of panic and disgust is a come on, spell it out for him. He can't then claim you didn't if he continues

elisenbrunnen · 04/02/2018 13:17

Well, now that you are on your guard, and unlikely to be taken by surprise, it's time to stock up on some of these responses. I'd go with 'stop it!' and escalate to expat's answer if that is not sufficient.

And it's time to talk to your children about men respecting women's boundaries and not just laughing at them!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 13:34

Fair enough Doctordid, now you'll have to make it very clear from the next inappropriate comment that it's unwelcome and that he's to stop.

I can remember getting hassled by men and being so unsure of myself that I thought blushing and smiling whilst not doing what they wanted, would fend them off. But it didn't. It sounds like you're in a similar position of trying not to offend but at the same time, giving mixed signals. You must stop those signals or this will carry on.

You can be friendly but you have to temper that with firm and definite - and do it every single time.

grannytomine · 04/02/2018 20:12

I think the statistics from the Alzheimer's Society are something like 7.1% of the population over 65 suffer from dementia. I will put my house on the likelihood that well over 7.1% of men over 73 wilfully ignore all the behavioural changes that have happened over the last years, dismiss it as "PC gone mad", and continue to harass women. Well the woman I know with dementia definitely didn't sexually harass young men prior to the dementia. There is one really nice looking young man who works at her home, I can only say I was gob smacked when I heard her comments to him. I honestly thought after a few years with the vice squad I was beyond being shocked but it was a shade of blue I had never heard before.

grannytomine · 04/02/2018 20:16

In America they say 1 in 7 people over 70 have dementia, I imagine it is similar here, I think it goes up to 1 in 4 by the time they are in their 80s.

TheBrilliantMistake · 04/02/2018 21:39

To be fair, you'd expect other signs of dementia to appear also, not just lewd comments. But as GrannyToMine rightly points out, the stuff that comes out of the mouths of people with dementia can be a world apart from their typical character. It's both tragic and funny sometimes especially with the amazing vocabulary of expletives the possess.

It doesn't always come out in a torrent either - sometimes they can be holding what seems to be a perfectly lucid conversation and then say 'you know Mr Smith from across the road, well, he's a complete c**t', and you wonder where on earth that thought came from!

grannytomine · 05/02/2018 11:13

TheBrilliantMistake, you made me laugh. Yes I have had that sort of comment although early on the one that made me speechless was when I said I was having a hysterectomy and she told me it was because I was promiscuous. I've been married since a few weeks after my 17th birthday and can't imagine where she got that from.

The sign that it had gone from inappropriate comments to something is wrong was when she claimed the neighbours had watched her having sex in the back garden with a young man who was about 60 years younger than her.